Seems like success is still "round the corner" for me, but hey, I can count some good stuff today:
As readers of my threads know, my H's bomb was starting an adult website (he's a graphic designer) with an partner. They got all hot and horny over the project, became macho producer dudes, went to Vegas, collected porn. It was supposedly blase to my H -- "hey, what's your problem, they're not real" -- but I got to feeling left out and suspected he was itchy to try some of this out.
I see it now as MLC -- my H is younger than I am, facing 40, wanted to hit it big, was tired of his routine (we were together 17 years) -- wanted a change, and yes, liked the babes.
Left home in October last year, after about a year of distancing from me. Counselling only helped clarify that he wanted out.
I sank fast after he left, but found Michele's books in December, went to her seminar in April, and have been doing LRTs and 180s and focusing on my own life since then.
My H is much more interested in me now. He still wants to date around, and is looking for an apartment of his own (without a roommate) so he can have a bachelor pad -- but I know he is not having much luck with the girls. He spends a LOT of time -- and lately most nights -- at home with me and our dogs.
I was sick with jealousy and self-pity for a long time, till I put myself in the picture as a vital, attractive woman, no matter my age. As I make myself CARE more about what happens to me, as I reach out to friends and colleagues, I find I'm likeable, witty, pretty, friendly, and yes, even sexy. The rejection was killing me, but I'm learning to stop seeing myself as a discard.
Also, I'm beginning to see that young women may not find an underfed, balding, self-employed, over-thirty-five, married man with lust in his eyes all that appealing. They'll model for him, sure, but will they see behind the mustache to his charm? Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder...
Lately, as my H insists we stay separated, I've done another 180 and sent him listings for buildings we could buy -- he could have his own apartment in his own building. I bought the book on structured separations, and I'll get behind his idea. The less I resist him, the less hard he has to pull away.
It takes discipline and patiences. I work hard, I tread carefully, and I don't expect very much from him. When he goes into "courting" mode with another woman he becomes sarcastic and scornful toward me, so then I have to disappear for a while.
But he keeps coming back, seeking out my company. I don't flash anger at him anymore, and that's an improvement he likes a lot. I'm not sitting around in self-pity, either. As I continue to expand my horizons (I'm making a video about animal rescue, I'm going dancing) I recover the young woman I was, the one with ideas and energy. I need him less. He wants me more.
Yesterday he said, for the first time since he left: "I'm sorry things have been so hard."
Yesterday, even though earlier he had walked out on our lunch together, mad about something, he walked back in and gave me a hug.
Yesterday, when I sketched out how we might structure a separation, each having our own place but owning them together, I said we could leave the dogs at his mom's for each other to pick up, and he said -- "Well, I thought we'd each have keys to each other's place."
I don't think I want him in and out of my place, while we're separated, but I'll have to get some advice about it and take it a step at a time.
I don't think this is over for us. So I hesitate to post here as a "success" yet. Some days I get sick of the rollercoaster of this. Some days I think I'd be better off just cutting the ties. Surely I could find someone else to cherish, who would be available to me and not ambivalent or depressed?
But I'm giving this R my best shot, and I'm finding (damn it) that there is a prize here -- I like Bridget and her life again, and she will keep on dancing.
