I have a request: if you have a success story (or know of someone like a neighbor who had one) to share, such as a walk-away coming home to stay for good, or divorce started then canceled, could you please post a ONE PARAGRAPH summary (nothing super long needed to spread the good word!) including:
1. when the 'bomb' dropped 2. when spouse walked out (became separated) 3. when spouse came home for good
and if applicable,
4. when divorce was started 5. when divorce was canceled
and, VERY IMPORTANT
6. did you and your spouse have children together, and did that fact have an influence on his/her return to the marriage?
This should be interesting! I'd like to get some idea of what time frames people have dealt with to get to the success. I know no situation is like any other, but I'm just curious, and would appreciate input from all successfull DBers!
Seems like success is still "round the corner" for me, but hey, I can count some good stuff today:
As readers of my threads know, my H's bomb was starting an adult website (he's a graphic designer) with an partner. They got all hot and horny over the project, became macho producer dudes, went to Vegas, collected porn. It was supposedly blase to my H -- "hey, what's your problem, they're not real" -- but I got to feeling left out and suspected he was itchy to try some of this out.
I see it now as MLC -- my H is younger than I am, facing 40, wanted to hit it big, was tired of his routine (we were together 17 years) -- wanted a change, and yes, liked the babes.
Left home in October last year, after about a year of distancing from me. Counselling only helped clarify that he wanted out.
I sank fast after he left, but found Michele's books in December, went to her seminar in April, and have been doing LRTs and 180s and focusing on my own life since then.
My H is much more interested in me now. He still wants to date around, and is looking for an apartment of his own (without a roommate) so he can have a bachelor pad -- but I know he is not having much luck with the girls. He spends a LOT of time -- and lately most nights -- at home with me and our dogs.
I was sick with jealousy and self-pity for a long time, till I put myself in the picture as a vital, attractive woman, no matter my age. As I make myself CARE more about what happens to me, as I reach out to friends and colleagues, I find I'm likeable, witty, pretty, friendly, and yes, even sexy. The rejection was killing me, but I'm learning to stop seeing myself as a discard.
Also, I'm beginning to see that young women may not find an underfed, balding, self-employed, over-thirty-five, married man with lust in his eyes all that appealing. They'll model for him, sure, but will they see behind the mustache to his charm? Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder...
Lately, as my H insists we stay separated, I've done another 180 and sent him listings for buildings we could buy -- he could have his own apartment in his own building. I bought the book on structured separations, and I'll get behind his idea. The less I resist him, the less hard he has to pull away.
It takes discipline and patiences. I work hard, I tread carefully, and I don't expect very much from him. When he goes into "courting" mode with another woman he becomes sarcastic and scornful toward me, so then I have to disappear for a while.
But he keeps coming back, seeking out my company. I don't flash anger at him anymore, and that's an improvement he likes a lot. I'm not sitting around in self-pity, either. As I continue to expand my horizons (I'm making a video about animal rescue, I'm going dancing) I recover the young woman I was, the one with ideas and energy. I need him less. He wants me more.
Yesterday he said, for the first time since he left: "I'm sorry things have been so hard."
Yesterday, even though earlier he had walked out on our lunch together, mad about something, he walked back in and gave me a hug.
Yesterday, when I sketched out how we might structure a separation, each having our own place but owning them together, I said we could leave the dogs at his mom's for each other to pick up, and he said -- "Well, I thought we'd each have keys to each other's place."
I don't think I want him in and out of my place, while we're separated, but I'll have to get some advice about it and take it a step at a time.
I don't think this is over for us. So I hesitate to post here as a "success" yet. Some days I get sick of the rollercoaster of this. Some days I think I'd be better off just cutting the ties. Surely I could find someone else to cherish, who would be available to me and not ambivalent or depressed?
But I'm giving this R my best shot, and I'm finding (damn it) that there is a prize here -- I like Bridget and her life again, and she will keep on dancing.
I think you've probably seen my story on here, but timeframe was:
separated/dropped bomb--8/29/99 told me about OW--10/24/99 A ended--~10/00 D filed--11/13/00 returned for good--3/4/01 D dropped--5/02
2 kids, 15 & 17 at time of sep. They provided a reason for ongoing contact between us during the separation, and at the time he returned, it seemed they were a factor--but in reality, I think he came back for me. Or for all of us. Guess I'll find out in August when youngest leaves for college, eh?
GG: ooops! guess I forgot about that bb page. Anyway, I hope some will post a short paragraph with the timeline here. It's so helpful to see the varying time frames involved - gives us all some hope when things seem to be going on for so long. Thanks for the reminder! -MomOfTwo
10-31-99: Found out about EA and gave him the ultimatum to get counselling, give her up, etc.
thanksgiving 99: he moved out to his own apt. Said he wanted a divorce (hated me intensely. I found DB and immed. implemented.
There followed 1 1/2 yrs of me DBing my fanny off.
3-30-01: H woke up, begged for my forgiveness, said he would do ANYTHING to get me back. Immed. broke it off with EA and started pursuing me like crazy, begging, pleading, crying (oh it was wonderful!)
6-23-01: I let him move back, only after almost 3 months of him chasing me like crazy.
He is back now almost a year and things are going wonderfully--we are getting along better than ever in our 21 1/2 yr. marriage!
One teen child left at home--others gone. She went over to H's apt. EVERY weekend while we were separated! I don't really think she had anything to do with him coming home as she is in late teens. It was mainly the dynamics between the two of us that brought him home...also his territorial instincts firing up when he found out I was making a life and it DIDN'T include HIM.
This may seem like a short success story and that I’m extremely lucky (and I am) but looking back there was 2 years of depression and anger prior to this all. He also has been working out of state and is gone from the home 4-5 days a week since October 2001. that helped to give him his space, his replay of going to the bar w/o me knowing that he was out until 3-4am most nights (he just revealed this recently). Everything happens for a reason, and I’m sure there are other things that better I find out now when I’m stronger and able to than when they were going on. Here’s the timeline….
4/13/02 – bomb dropped wanted to move out, said he thought I was just as miserable (I was clueless!) and agreed to try and counseling – minimal calls while away and never asking about the kids
4/20/02 – counseling agreement & replay begins said he wanted to try and work things out, but needs space and time, we will take it day by day – he starts working on getting his Harley back on the road (it’s still not on the road)
Shortly after my life saving copy of Divorce Remedy arrived. We were talking a bit and I gave him time and space. No phone calls unless he called. Made lots of 180’s. Still no talk of the kids when he called.
5/18/02 - relapse went back into deep withdrawl and depression – no contact but one 5 minute phone call over 7 days but I kept cool and didn’t call. Let him have time requested time and space. No chasing.
5/23/02 – reality hurts he goes out to bar with buds out of state. Fight he tries to break up and he gets blamed for start. Punches fence a few times, screams at waitress friend who come to find out now was hoping for more and still asks about him to co-workers
5/24/02 – recommitment comes home and says he wasn’t honest about trying, wasn’t giving it his 100% try (like I didn’t realize and see that? But I just kept quiet) realized I was always there for him and wants to work things out. Sorry for the pain he caused.
It was about another week before he started asking about and talking to the kids on the phone. He has had one bad weekend where he was very distant. Says there is a lot else besides us going on in his head. We are going to counseling. I still keep up my 180’s as best I can and have slipped, but am getting stronger again. Can’t get “comfortable” ever again I think, always have to keep DB-ing.
I’m sure there will be ups and downs, but we are moving forward.
Ok Bomb drop: Septembre 19 (we went out and he gave me the speech of "i dont know what i want, i need space alone to think if i love you.. i want you ground to tremble) h left home: September 22 I found OW: October 12 or 13 He began travelling and spending a lot with her. I began working on my own He ask for filling for divorce... i began the process always pont him he was who want this He acts so crazy, so hurting, i always look at him happy, beautifull December 2001: I spent christmass time with my familly and chldren in an island... he went there... i told him going away and let me enjoy my travel...!!.. January 7 2002: he ask me going out for conversation January 8 2002: we went out, he ask for reconciliation... he didnt feel fine with his live... he think he loves me... he wants me and my familly... we agree try to work our relationship... That night after he left me in home he split with OW
Ow continue calling him and he always told me when she call or went to his office or gym...
January 8-26: We continue date and talk a lot about us... he still live in his rent apartment
January 27 since now: he return to home...
February 28: Because he get mad about a travel i did with a friends (i had planned this before he return, and was a great reencounter with good friends from school, only girl, he get so jeaulous about that... he beleive in the retaliance behavior... he figure out me in an affrair...) he called the OW... i notice this because she called again him on the cell ohone... when i ask why, he told me all about that call.. we talked and i put very clear i want her completely out of us if we want our marriage work.. Since that day i dont know nothing about OW, i dont ask and he dont talk about that.. i did my cruise and enjoy a lot...
We are working hard in our marriage... have ups and downs, but there is no sign of OW... he arrive early home, he try to change... he speak more about worries or disconfort, he try to be more lovely, i try to be more independent, less needy, but also lovely... i change some baheviors or trying to change some behavior he doesnt like at all... We are working... We are enjoying... i feel he is happy, he looks happy, also he still a little selfish and ask form space... this is so important right now for him...
June 23: Will be our 13 wedding anniversary
We have 3 children: 10, 8 and a half and 2 and a half years... They are very happy about us together again...
