how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always! You are the best! Thanks for writing to me. I feel like if I can just ride on your coattails, live by your example, I might get to piecing someday. At very least, I will be inspired by being in touch with myself in ways that I now am only occasionally. Your attention to your part of the sitch is so helpful:

In our M, sure, there were things that BOTH of us did. BUT, my actions were really bad: controlling, emotionally toiling, carried a fight forever, threw things from long ago at him, had to be right, demanding, never happy, always argued, subtle put-downs, etc. H was patient, then withdrew, when we moved he tried again, changed the things about him that I had issues with (anger, depression, etc), but I didn't notice, I just kept on.

Of course, I did all this too. I missed my H's signals, his cries for acknowledgement, his requests for my participation in doing it differently. Did I listen - NO! I went in like a bulldozer, after all my way was best, HE just needed to get that. Oh brother, no wonder he shut down, gave up, and finally went away. And no wonder he doesn't tust or believe in my changes yet. I'm not even sure I've really made them yet. Otherwise I would understand that it will take a while to undo those years of pain he endured. No wonder the OW and a fantasy life with her looks good. Or maybe even being alone looks better than what he remembers about me. It is funny, I have apologized a few times to him. And yet now, I am expecting him to move towards reconciliation, because I have indicated that I am sorry? And I think I have reasons to be cautious... He was almost all the way out the door. The fact that he is still in the country, in our town, and even more unbelievably, still doing stuff with me and for me is a show of bravery. Well he is courageous. I was not very nice before. I didn't mean to be mean, and I had my reasons and I have my justifications and I have my excuses. But it isn't pretty. I didn't get it, and he was trying to tell me. We just weren't speaking the same language, and the frustration was escalating. He changed, I changed, we got lost somewhere along the way. I have said this, and I will again until it is real in my hearts\ and hopefully his heart too, regardless of what happens. I never thought of me as being in a fog before, but you are right, Always, I was in a fog. I am just coming out of it now. It was a big wake up call. I have actually thanked my H for this situation, believe it or not, because of what has been reveled that was lying sick and dormant.

So, the point is....that was MY fog, my falling off the wagon. Now, I hope that H can forgive me for some awful things during that time. So, likewise, it applies that I should understand that this is a time when H is a fog, in a dream.

Thank you for this. I have now what I need to remain patient, for at least one more day