WOW--GH, you're amazing. Everything was said wonderfully....can I implore you to drop by my thread for advice (in Piecing)??!! OK, shameless plea over.
PL...everything GH said is right. Yes, your H was once a very trustworthy man, So was mine. I am hurt by the dishonesty and level of it. BUT, when I'm not in a fit of anger as I am these days, here's how I look at it:
In our M, sure, there were things that BOTH of us did. BUT, my actions were really bad: controlling, emotionally toiling, carried a fight forever, threw things from long ago at him, had to be right, demanding, never happy, always argued, subtle put-downs, etc. H was patient, then withdrew, when we moved he tried again, changed the things about him that I had issues with (anger, depression, etc), but I didn't notice, I just kept on. He approached me a few times, but I bit his head off, defended myself and argued. I calmed down a bit, but I was still that way. Then the bombs dropped from his end and I changed. Really, i didn't change until I found out about OW.
SO...was I always this horrible W? No. Not what H knew when we were engaged (or he certainly wouldn't have married me!). I changed. Looking back, I feel I was in a dream, a fog of sorts. He tried to approach me, let me know he couldn't live with someone like that anymore, it didn't jive with his vision and values of a partner and M. He had standards, I didn't see them or cooperate.
The point is, I CHANGED WHEN IT WAS RIGHT FOR ME. Sure, I made efforts to change when he dropped the whole "i can't live like this anymore..." But I REALLY changed, lifted out of the fog and woke up from the dream when OW came into the picture. I saw who I became, how I wasn't that person before, and I wanted to get BACK to the person I WAS again. I wanted to cut loose from the anger, demands, insecurity, fear and all else that made me act the way I did. H tried, he waited, he was kind, he worked with it and then he just gave up. He walked out in ways, but not with a D.
So, the point is....that was MY fog, my falling off the wagon. Now, I hope that H can forgive me for some awful things during that time. So, likewise, it applies that I should understand that this is a time when H is a fog, in a dream. He even said it the other day, like he was getting up from a dream, wanted to live with honor again. The question is, can I wait until he gets out? can I forgive him for actions in the fog? I think I can. Can I trust that he'll come out? I think I do. Is this who he was before, the liar, cheater, etc? No. Was I the bitchy, mean, controlling woman before? No. We both got lost, and waited the other person out...painfully, but we are.
I get frustrated when H doesn't see the changes in me for a while, months. But, I remember how hard it is to change your perception of someone when it's done in subtle ways...I didn't notice the changes in him for 1 year after we moved....he made lots of changes, but I still treated him as if he were the old person. That's what he's doing now. So, i have to understand that.
My H is lifting out, I think. He is coming to terms with what he did, how it affects me, acknowledging living with "honor" in his life, feeling like he was "off track" and in a fog, that he forgot the good parts of me in his mind and ran away from me...not TO OW, but just AWAY from me.
I know you want honesty and trust in a R. So do I and all the people here. We get impatient from time to time. But, realize, it's meaningless to demand these things when the other person is still in the fog, not ready to give that. Ask yourself that question when they're out and ready to push forward with you. Yes, THEN, you SHOULD work on everything you WANT/NEED from a M, a healthy, strong, beautiful one....TOGETHER....not demanded by you when the other is not ready.
GH is right...think about it. Are these things important for you NOW, or can you wait when the time is right? Do you want to start building a R with someone who is only 1/2 there?
The way I figure...this is a 2-part process, for both people. For the LBS, the bomb phase comes with this intense introspection and change and then working on the R..the WAS lifts out of their phase, does the same introspection thing and then comes back to the R. That's Phase 1. Phase 2 is when, I think, we both look at each other and see ourselves for what we are NOW, and really evaluate if this is who we want forever. Are the changes real, have my needs/wants changed, can we work on this together or has too much happened?
Everytime I ask, how much longer can I take this? When will this become so toxic that it's better to cut loose? I have no idea. I trust that I will be shown the path when it comes. Until then...I remember how H asks me now, "why did it take you so long to change and come around? why did you do what you did? why did you not see these things before when I asked and TRIEd to communicate?" Good point. right back at ya, or me.
Take a breather. You're getting panicked over something you have no reason to think of now. Put it in your pocket, your wants and needs in a good R. You're not there yet, you will be, but not yet. It's amazing what happens when you wait, it's like it falls into your lap. Your H was a great guy before with good M values, etc....trust that he'll find that again.
