how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always, Thanks so much for this great and timely advice. I am clear that I need to concentrate on my own growth and baby steps, and I really like the idea of writing those down, instead of focusing mostly on H's baby steps. He's moving how he's moving, what ever that looks like. Sometimes it seems slow, sometimes I don't trust it, sometimes it's pleasant, but too much attention over there doesn't change anything anyway But I have to live with me no matter what!

The thing I am struggling with lately, is: I don't want my H if he is not trustworthy and honest. He certainly isn't being fully honest right now. So my original goal was to preserve my marriage and to provide an opportunity to reconcile with my H. But having an honest relationship is much more important to me than staying married to my H. Since H lied to me, and is still lying/withholding, how will I ever trust him fully again? I can only imagine doing so, if he has an epiphany at some point, and claims temporary insanity for this whole thing. Based on his current behavior, I believe he is back to being underground, "looking good" for others (and me especially) based on what he thinks I want to see. (He hasn't mentioned one word about OW since he returned from his visit to her. It's weird to find myself feeling like there's something wrong with that, but I know it's not as good as him beinging open with me). In a sense, my DBing has been a little like that too, when you "act as if" and are all cheery and upbeat before you feel like it, when you really feel like screaming or crying. But that is OK, DBing is about managing emotions in a new way and becoming a better person. My issue with H and honesty is actually not emotional for me - this is me just wanting facts and information to be real and reliable. I am getting to the point where I just want to be real with him, like I am with everyone else, and say what's so, say what I see, how I feel, etc. and get that back. We had a wonderfully intimate relationship at one time, and I never thought that he would ever lie. But more, I never thought he would continue to lie once he realized he had been lying and told the truth. But he's just carrying on with it. I would never tolerate H's dishonesty and deception coming from anyone else in my life. Don't I have a responsibility then, to be what it is that I want to see in the world? I questioned in an earlier post, when is it appropriate to have a conversation about honesty and integrity with our WAS? I sure could use some input on this. At this point, it seems I either have to pull way back from contact with my H altogether, or come to an understanding with him about this and the consequences of his dishonesty in relation to me. I just can't see continuing to ignore it, as it doesn't fit my values for the people I want in my life. I am compassionate, and would be so happy if H wanted to tell me what he needs, even if it is very painful, and perhaps H is in MLC too so I am trying to be very patient and let him come to his own realizations on his own time and share when he is ready. Nonetheless, it seems like he went the other way in this regard after the last trip to OW, and I feel like DBing principles are just telling me to sit tight and not rock the boat. I live in a way that requires that the truth be told. I need to trust the people in my life or I need to move them out. And to pull away without any conversation/explanation seems really manipulative or at least dishonest about my part. (I know that he's lying but I don't think he realizes that I know, although it's possible that he is not present to his own lies. But mostly, I think he thinks I am really trusting and niaive, so he "doesn't want to hurt me". I don't think he realizes how bored I am with all that) I would love some replies on this honesty issue and how to manage it in the face of an A. It is becoming a bottom line concern for me as it's beginning to feel a little creepy (too many suspicions without enough real information). I don't want to live that way. Is the only answer detaching? Or is it appropriate to have a calm, gentle, honest conversation abut what's working and not working for me? Is it too soon? I always prefer the direct approach. But if this is counter to any possibility for reconcilliation because it is too soon, then I suppose I can exit for some time until if/when H asks. Please, some thoughts from you all here?

I went onto H's computer last night to remove all of my DBing threads from the history. I didn't realize that H could possibly identify my posts and now I will not use his computer for these activities again, only my own. I believe I have successfully deleted everything I did from the history and trashed the trash too. BUT, in the course of doing this, I discovered H had added more recent communications from OW to his clandestine document, as recently as last Sunday when he was here for the day with me and "working" in the office. Also, right after he came back from trip to OW, there was access to web site about "Live in Victoria, Australia" and web sites on international investing. He also apparently ordered a male sexual enhancement herbal remedy that week (LOL poor fellow). I suppose he could have just been in fantasy land on the computer the week after he got back. But I just got a little worried that the withholding and dishonesty, looking all calm helpful and kind on the surface, might be the cover up for a big plot. Am I paranoid? I feel like I want to tell him that if he wants to run off to Australia I'll buy him a ticket. I know everyone says snooping is not good, but I feel like I am just getting a periodic reality check when I stumble into this stuff. I don't want to be taken by surprise. But I would much rather that it came from him directly. Any thoughts on that?