how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I saw H for 1/2 hour tonight. It has gotten almost ridiculous how much information has to be passed in these small windows of time. It is making me feel like I am talking more than I should be with him, and he strikes me as a bit impatient when he is rushed which exacerbates that feeling for me, although I remember not to take it personally. Fortunately I will see H a little more on Thursday night and Friday because we will be going down to D's house and staying at a hotel one night. As a Quality Time LL person, time with him helps me feel like some of my needs are getting met, even these days. And I will also see him Sunday for Mother's Day (I was surprised he wanted to join birth mother, D and me for brunch - but he did!). Even with such a short visit tonight, though, it went well and we seem to be seeing everything in alignment right now. I would like to just enjoy it, but I notice I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for something awful or unpleasant to happen. I would prefer not to think that way (and not to create it!) but it is a little hard to trust sometimes. I really like his current behaviors. I just am not sure if this is permanent or if he will back track. Or God forbid, decide this is the place he is comfortable relating to me, FOREVER. Arm's length.

It turns out H's US citizenship was accepted, and they scheduled him for the swearing in ceremony right smack in the middle of D's graduation festivities with all of the relatives and friends coming etc. (not the actual grad ceremony time, but a big part of the fun gathering on the day before - we are all going to Disneyland together). I have been waiting and looking forward to his citizenship for a long time - it is a big step, and also a big indication to me that he is moving forward with staying right here. In fact when he revealed the A, I thought he might postpone or drop the process, but he never misssed a step in moving forward on it, even though it involved a fair amount of cooperation on both our parts. I spoke to D about going to H's swearing in, and of course she would have been really dissapointed, but also would support what ever we needed to do. She is an angel. I thought and thought, and realized it was out of integrity to let D down and not go to her special day when we had made plans to be there. We made those plans first. H had indicated that he could go to the citizenship ceremony by himself (which would have been a disapointment of another kind for D and me but acceptable if that was what he WANTED). Anyway, I was hoping he would choose to place our family event first, and be with us, but fully expected that he would decide to make "no big deal" of not being with us, and "no big deal" of going to his big event alone. Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. He is going to write the requisite letter to the Feds, asking for a rescheduling, so he can be with us on D's special weekend. You have no idea how surprising this is to me, considering how withdrawn he has been for months. He has seen no one who will be there except D & me, since January and the reveal of the A. I am thrilled to be invited to his swearing in ceremony and to be invited to make a big deal of it for him as a special day (this was discussed BTW - I think he is admiting he likes it ), and even more thrilled that he will face all the friends and relatives, cook the BBQ dinner with me, etc. at D's graduation. I keep wondering if those new herbal supplements have been part of this magic during the last 2 weeks. It has been a rather dramatic and very nice turnaround . H also made plans with me to do repairs and maintenance when our tenants move out next week. We met with the tenants, H looked over everything, was very calm and efficient. It appears we are working as a team. All of this (the convo about the citizenship ceremony, meeting w/ the tenants, dicsussing what we each needed to do and when, etc.) occured in 25 minutes, and off he went. Pleasant hello and a hug. Hurried but pleasant kiss goodbye as he left for his meeting.

So things are going well, I am feeling more "myself" around H a lot of the time now, not needing to walk on eggshells so much, have talked about some tough things recently, and all is well. So what's missing? The affection, the physical closeness, and there is an absolutely glaring absence of any mention of the OW or the A. So is he just trying to look real good for me? He's doing a good job. But I would need him to be comfortable in being authentic and honest with me about everything at some point, to know we are on a road to healing and not just maintaining an efficient and amicable "family business" partnership. I guess I am supposed to continue to wait, be patient, and not bring up the A or OW or sexual intimacy until he does? For HOW long?

H is having "we" conversations with me though. Tonight he said, the one thing he didn't miss was the cat hair (the cat LOVES him, misses him, and is shedding all over him this time of year.) He said, "Next time we will have to get one of those hairless cats" (which was a little tease because he is allergic to cats and I showed him pictures of the Sphinx breed before we got our cat, and he would have nothing to do with such an ugly creature. So we picked this one together at the pound.) I get a "we" in our conversations often now, and also a fair amount of future planning talk from him. I suppose I should just enjoy it - it seems like he is coming around somewhat. Is it OK to play along with all that most of the time and encourage it? I'd rather think of our future together too, so it makes me happy when he speaks that way. But I don't want to be niaive and make a big splat with my face on the pavement. I feel confident but cautious. Am I doing OK with him?

Meanwhile, I am taking really good care of myself. Had yoga and a 2 hr walk on the beach today. All this exercise is completely 180 for me since the separation (although I was pretty fit in the early part of our M). I am getting more organized although I have way too much stuff with more on the way (however D and I are planning to tackle this together in a big way in June). I am feeling positive and hopeful. I could use more activities in the evening, that aren't alone. Unfortunately, most of my friends are happily married and use their evenings for each other. I did see a collection of men drinking wine outside at a cute little restaurant yesterday, and found out there is Italian conversation going on there every week. I speak a little Italian, and love Italy. So I'd like to try that out. I notice I am a little intimidated about going out in the evening alone. I like being married and having a partner. I am afraid now that men will hit on me. Since becoming a mother 25 years ago, I have always felt a little vulnerable in this regard. Marriage was such a relief to me, I felt so safe and protected. This might sound silly, but if I go out in the evenings to places that allow conversation (instead of just the movies or something like that), is it pretty much OK as long as I wear my wedding rings and don't say yes if I'm propositioned?