how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH, You are amazing. You understand the nuances of DBing so well. That really helped. I must say I understand that the R will be stuck as long as the A goes on. Which is where my impatience sets in sometimes - I just want my H to end the damn thing, tell me so, apologize and say he wants me in his life forever and ever all over again, so we can get on with it. You know? So then it's hard to get from there to the place where the A doesn't matter. But I do have moments when I really get that I need not GIVE the A any power, that I do that or not, and I can CHOOSE not, and to put my focus on myself, my life, what I want and care about, etc. It is getting better and better in this regard. But it is such a tricky balance between detachment (from his emotions, the rollercoaster, the negative gunk, etc.) and feeling like I don't care at all whether he will be in my life or not. I love my H. But I also see how easy it could be to fall out of love with him. I have to generate my love for him every day, and it is such a solo flight on most of them. Sometimes I feel pathetic - I focus on the positive things he does and says, and ignore all the stupid, negative, unaccceptable stuff - and sometimes it's hard not to feel like a real chump. I have to remind myself every day that I am choosing this path, and why it's important. I write this knowing good and pleasant things happened today. But I miss my H - the one who was loving and available to me. This one is a shadow H - kind of a shell. Maybe some day I will keep up my efforst to spend less time focusing on trying to figure him out and second guess him, and more time on me. This is sometimes challenging but it's really a gift, isn't it?