how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

W2S, Thank you so much for stopping by, and looking in on me. Your post was really helpful to me, confirming the liklihood of the MLC but also the gratitude that I have that H is not as full blown in his behaviours as some I have read about. Does that mean he could move through it faster? That would be nice Somehow, even though there are always individual situations and styles with most anything, it is helpful for my compassion levels to have an understanding that there really might be something going on for H besides dissatisfaction in our M and me.

You said:

It sounds like he has obvious fertilizer to feed a mlc. But I missed a little about the seed. It is so often planted in the youth years. A poor relation with parent(s). Something that fosters low self esteem is what you look for.

H was sexually abused by his father, at age 12 when his father was an alcoholic and before father acknowledged his homosexuality. This is the same age his S is now, the one we were in the midst of immigrating. The thing he has been most worried about for his children is that they would be sexually abused or exploited. His relationship with his father has been forgiven and not discussed. H seemed to be resolved and had put this issue behind him, actually seems to have a good relationship with his dad now. His family does not openly discuss issues. So I am breaking his family code to mention it, but I expect this will remain anonymous here. Anyway, I believe seed for the MLC is there, although H would NEVER EVER admit this is a continuing issue, and has told almost no one (MC and me might be it). H would also never ever admit that he is possibly in MLC.

H has told almost no one about the A. His behavior of lying and deceiving was completely out of character. Although withholding uncomfortable information, and avoiding confrontation was common. He has always valued integrity and honesty to an unusual degree, and always lived it impeccably. The worst thing you could EVER accuse my H of was lying or abuse. Nothing would hurt him more than that. His mom and dad might think he is behaving badly if they knew what was happening, but neither of them would ever say.

The ego thing and low self esteem issues are the most obvious things, so strange that you should mention it. He has spouted off proudly how he has "two homes right now" - how abundant he is. He will be getting citizenship soon, and the immigration process asks some weird questions, but the one about poligamy brought out off-color jokes, based on our sitch - like it was really something you could excel in . There is a lot of pride in the fact that his business efforts have really made a big difference and he just paid off a huge loan, and has four new big jobs in the works. I am proud of this too, as he was very worried about $$ (and his S) when the A started. But he seems so thirsty for strokes and admiration. Fortunately (other than the A) I do not have much difficulty admiring my H and telling him so, and I think it is helping. His primary LL is Words of Affirmation, which all makes sense. He seems very sensitive about his looks, my looks, aging, and is trying to figure himself out by trying some new things. He went out for a beer with buddies after work recently (never did that in our entire marriage) and also went to a party by himself (which he hated). But I do admire his efforts to explore, and have been giving him positive strokes and appreciation for all of it (even when I am jealous or feel left out).

It sounds like you are telling me that my patience and understanding will matter most. That has been my gut all along, whether it is MLC or not, so that is good confirmation. Sometimes it is hard to put aside my feelings and needs over and over again with him, but I am doing my very best to meet them in every other way and elsewhere. Whenever I get discouraged by his behavior or words, I will remember that this too shall pass. If I was in trouble, I would hope my loved ones would stick by me. I realize my H may decide once all is said and done that he is though with our M. I have never seen you post that though. I visualize a positive outcome for us together, and you seem to hold that space for the return of MLCers. I want to see this through and have it be a clear choice (not a crisis-mode choice) so there will be no regrets. I really love him. I will try to remember that the A and the OW will not prevail over time. I will do my best to be patient, and resist any ultimatums. So far I have been successful, although every once in a while I want to run until he's done. But the baby steps I see do give me hope.

Thanks for saying the sexy overalls with a meal delivery are OK It seems to feed his soul as well, when I do caring things. I will continue to have no expectations, and enjoy it when nice things happen. I miss the sexual contact and closeness. But, a smile is better than many other things!

I wonder when it will be OK to have regular conversations again - about our R, values, commitment, integrity, healthy boundaries. I suppose that is much later, and he will initiate or I will know when? I have heard that nothing can move forward until the A has ended. But I have also heard that the A doesn't matter. How can both be true?

They should name a pretty flowering plant for the garden Patience. We could all use more of it in our gardens of life! In any case, this year, I will plant no impatiens

W2S, if you have any books to recommend, please let me know. The only things I have read on MLC are the Conway's "Your Husband's MLC" and some of the posts in the MLC forum. Thanks again!