how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well H called me tonight, and it was such a cheery and fun conversation. I am beginning to see my best friend over there again. It is so nice. My H never drinks, and hardly ever socializes, but tonight he went out with a friend and some of his friend's buddies and he had a beer. Hilarious story about walking back to his shop along the train tracks a few hours prior to our call, 6' 4" guy, high as a kite on one beer. I choose not to worry about him. He loved my gift, which he found in the shop this morning, reported on it to me right away. I wrapped it in the funny papers from last Sunday which he had missed 'cuz we had all been working so hard, so I got the low down on the best funnies too. Lots and lots of laughter, even with a fair amount of business stuff we have to manage within the next two weeks thrown into the mix, still a fun call. He laughed a lot at my jokes and perceptions and stories too. I guess I am doing OK

I bowed out of the garage cleaning plans this weekend, as my arm is somewhat injured this week from the lifting we did last week, followed by too much yoga.

But he will come over on Sunday for a late brunch with me, and to talk about finances and make the plans for the next two weeks, which are excruciatingly intense. We have tenants moving out of our house, new ones moving in, my new term of school is starting, special event for D on the first weekend and D is graduating 2nd weekend, and her house must be vacated by the end of that week also. Plus a second round of adjustments on the house per the city inspectors. Also mother and relatives are coming. Phew! All of this will occur between May 12 and 25 and I am supposed to be working at my job? I think I will need to take a few days off to pull this off. Anyway, we will discuss on Sunday what each of us can do. I am grateful, more than I can say, that he is hanging in for all this. After May, we will be free from many responsibilities, and it will be interesting to see what happens to our R then.

I am worried about one thing though. I need to talk to H about the finances. Originally, H was only going to pay towards the household expenses until February. I told him that wouldn't work, that he needed to continue to pay at least until D's house is sold (which is happening this month.) However, now I am feeling that he should continue to pay as long as we remain married. I am thinking that his office is still in our home, his truck and health insurance are covered through the household expenses (bills I pay) and he made a promise that I could get a new car this year since he got one first (2004) and mine is 20 years old with almost 200,000 miles. I realize that he doesn't "have to" continue to do that, he doesn't have to do anything. But for me, it would allow us to continue to move forward on the home improvements we were in the middle of, put some money back in an account which he owes to his parents, and move me towards that new car later this year. I am nervous though. because, his contributions feel like a symbol of his continuing commitment to staying married, his consideration to possibly return. I want him to say yes he will continue to pay in, but I do not know what I will do if he says no. I do not want to tell him to take all his things so I can rent the office as a room. I don't want to proceed with a D and take him off my medical/dental plan. But if he chooses not to continue to pay into the household, my lifestyle will certainly be affected. I can't say that it's more fair though for him to continue to do it, though. For me, it's the difference between having shared finances and financial plans (which we still discuss together - everything), or spliting up for real.

Anyone have words of wisdom on this? Or is this just a wait and see what he says thing? I can accept either outcome, but one will give me a lot more hope than the other.

[PositivelyListening]

I have had a weepy day today. I don't entirely understand it, because I was doing good. No particular trigger, other than being home without my H. I guess I thought I had a handle on that by now, geez, he moved out in January. But when I spend the weekend with him, like I did last weekend, and then he dissappears and I'm home by myself and he's not here, well it's just plain hard sometimes. Everything reminds me that he is missing. Projects half done. His office half his, half a ghost town. The bed half empty. Oh brother. My D was here and we had a fine time together, though, went shopping last night for some clothes and shoes for her graduation, and I am looking really good in clothes now (they fit really well!) so I bought some new outfits too and that was fun. I haven't heard from or seen H all weekend, though, and the weekends are just hard for me when we aren't together. I am still grieving. I have not figured out anything that works for me when I am home by myself on the weekends yet, except going away somewhere else and being with friends. I have a ton of stuff that I need to work on at home, and I seem to just lose track of what I need to do when I'm here by myself, hours go by and I'm not sure what I've done other than reading my marriage-saving books for the 1000th time and get on this web site. This morning I took a long walk with my D at the beach, but I was feeling weepy and sad from the moment I woke up so cried a bit and talked about H even on our walk which I have been trying to do less of. Then half of the day, I was pissed off and wanting to end it now. Kind of obsessive and focused on thoughts about H all day. I realize I am hard on myself too, I think I have to have it together and be centered and calm and DB all the time, and sometimes I just can't. I don't know how the people living with their spouses do it, being seen all the time. Yet sometimes I think that would be easier too, because at least we'd have a chance to spend time together and maybe it would get easier and easier just from having the opportunity to do it all the time consistently and be seeing the results regularly. Of course, I don't really want my H here under my nose with the A continuing anyway. So I guess my ideal scenario is that he ends the A because he wants to, and then he wants to come home, because he wants to be with me. Tonight, however, it somehow feels like that will "never" happen, so that's why I'm weepy. Where did my PMA go? And my patience?

Anyway, H is supposed to come over tomorrow, and I am afraid I will have to cancel unless I can get more centered and cheery before he comes. Maybe a night's sleep will help. I will go to church in the morning too, that usually makes a big difference. I do need to talk to H about some important plans and the finances, and putting it off will not help me, as the more I can plan for this stuff, the less anxious and more centered I will be related to the rest of my life and all of these upcoming activities. So if anyone is out there, words of encouragement for me, or even some script phrases so I get my calm and stress-less self back or at least "act as if." I always have a hard time and stress around the finances in particular, and this is a pretty important conversation, it feels like it could be a turning point. Maybe that's part of the problem - I'm attached to a particular outcome. I'lll ponder that a bit, see if I can get unattached and let H show up like he needs to, whatever that looks like.

[RBinBR]

PL, sorry to hear that you had a bad night last night. As far as the finances go, I would be very careful not to put too much pressure on him. I would have the conversation, but act as though you don't expect anything from him, since the previous conversation you had on the topic invloved his ending his support at this time in those areas. I think you are expecting too much from him at this point. It's clear that you're making progress, but you can ruin it if you get ahead of yourself. Let him make some more steps toward you before you push him on anything.

[PositivelyListening]

Today H spent the day with me. It was a super day. I made him breakfast, we sat outside and read the funnies and watched the birds. We had tough stuff to discuss and it all went exceedingly well. It is weird, but I am beginning to be OK with our situation as it is. Not all the time, but a lot of it. I don't know how that can be. It's really surprising to me.

We had a talk about our plans for the next two weeks, a talk about finances and even a little R talk. As far as I can tell, my H is being a saint, compared to most of the WAS's I read about. Not sure if it's guilt, or my DBing prowess lol, but he is just coming through in every possible way except he is not yet very physical with me or saying he wants to come home. I am making every effort not to push or pressure. RB, thank you for your message this morning, it helped me prepare what I wanted to say to him regarding the finances with no attachment to the outcome.

So here's what happened. When we brought up the schedule of events for the next two weeks, we were working as a team all along the way. All the plans are in order between us (who does what) and H is even beginning to be "husband-like" with me, reminding me to call my birth mother tonight to update her on the plans, etc. My daughter wanted to move back in to our house for the month of June, so I told him that I wanted to discuss it with him first, as I continue to consider our home "ours" and wanted to make sure he was OK with this temporary arrangement. He joked around about how common this transitional coming home after college before the next job is. So I got more straight, but sweetly, and said "Because our place is so small right now [we live in the attached cottage and rent out the main house], I don't want her return to take precedence over our relationship, in the event you are considering coming home." Didn't intend this as pressure, but also wanted to take the risk to see if he was doing any planning around returning, because his 6 month lease on his rented room is up in June. He handled this VERY well, although he is still not being 100% straight with me IMHO. He said he basically has four jobs he will be doing simultaneously starting this coming week, which should slam him with work all through the summer. So he won't be considering anything other than concentrating on work prior to August. In this conversation, he thanked me for how I have not been pressuring him, and have been giving him his space, how great I have been, and told me what a good wife I am.

Later in the conversation, he told me that he still really wanted to buy a second fixer upper house, now that we have sold D's house, and that he really wanted us to consider doing this in July or August. We talked about the tax benefits of buying another house this year, rather than facing capital gains during next year's taxes. So, I decided I had to say what has been unsaid up until now. This was the most borderline pressureful thing I said today, but it is the truth and I felt I had to say it because it had not yet been said and is pretty darned important related to our basic assumptions about what works in the world of relationships. Background: my H's father and mother have been married for 50 years, but have lived in a sexless marriage for at least 30 years (H's dad is gay, but remains married for appearance's sake; they remain married and functioning as business owners/partners, sleeping in separate bedrooms, all very amicable and cordial). When my H revealed his A, he told me he did not want to move out, and did not want a D, and wanted to stay married and be my "business partner" that he trusted my business sense, etc., it's just that he was "not in love with me anymore - sees me like a sister" blah blah. So, in a very gentle way I felt I must make sure that he understood that his parent's sitch will not be my future. So I said, "I really want to get another house too. But I need you to understand that I want to have a healthy and whole marriage with you, not just half a marriage. I am not sure I would want to move forward on another house until you have decided about that." It was a pretty quick acknowledgement on his part, a kind of mildly curious tone with an "Oh, OK" and we moved on.

Regarding the finances conversation I was worried about before, I was kind of blown away by H. I said, "I know we discussed you not paying in to our household expenses anymore once the other house was sold, which is this month..." And he interrupted and said, "I don't see how that is going to work" and for a minute I thought he meant he wouldn't be paying another penny after this month - that that wouldn't work... but NO! He meant, he didn't think NOT paying would work, he thinks I need to have his money coming in (which I do if I am to continue living exactly the way I am currently living). But I was not expecting this at all. I thought he might have fantasies of spending all the money on fun with the OW. He did say that we might need to negotiate the amount a little bit, depending. Honestly, I was thrilled. He does seem to be thinking about me in a very generous way in this regard. If H were to leave, I would get the house (he has agreed to this) so he would walk away with his business but all the work and equity in the house would be mine. This is not small potatoes considering the rise in real estate values here, although his business is where all of our future possibilities come from - I work for a non-profit. So together, we are both better off than either of us are separately. But H has promised me he will never hurt me financially, and so far he has been good to his word and then some in this regard.

He stayed for a long time today. We did some work separately, and then we took a two hour walk on the beach together. On the walk, he again told me I was a good wife. We held hands, and had a few hugs. But generally H was a little physically aloof today. But he did kiss me, hug me, and hold my hand a few times. I changed in front of him, and he seems embarrased about this sometimes, averts his eyes. Is this guilt? Should I make more of an effort to dress privately? Up until now, I have teased him a little with dressing and sleeping with him is cute nighties when the opportunity has come up. Is that pressure? I keep hoping some embers will catch fire one of these days.

I think H lied to me (or himself) at one point though (or maybe more than once). I think H is still having the A. Of course I do not bring it up or ask directly. He has not brought it up to me at all since before his last trip to Germany. Now I know that H had a "good trip" with her, according to my D because he talked to her. Although it is possible he has ended it, he seems too cheery and positive for that to be the case. And as I mentioned, her photo with him is still in the shop. So, you all, tell me if this makes sense: I think H is still having an EA at least with regular phone contact. But tonight, at some point I mentioned that I don't really talk to him very often [this is out of context so it might sound confrontative, but it really wasn't the tone on both of our parts was very calm and casual] and he said "I don't talk to ANYBODY right now. I talk to you more than I talk to anyone else. Except for maybe J*** who works in the shop next door - he comes over to bug me a lot." H is spending almost all of his time alone, and says he's "not sure why" but he really likes it right now. So either he is lying (ie. having contact with OW as before but she "doesn't count" in his MLC mind and he is back to "underground status" regarding the A) or he has ended it with her. Hate to say it, H is being so "nice" in every way, but I think it is more likely he is lying. I think he wants to look good in my eyes (and everyone's eyes) as a matter of fact. But he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I talk to you more than anyone" and I said "More than anyone?" and he said "definitely" and then went on about the exception being the drop in neighbor. However, my H has always had a big issue about "what will the neighbors think?" - seriously. I have never cared at all about that, which was a little bone of contention for him in our M, for example when I would speak too loudly and others could hear. So here's my theory: H wants to end the relationship with OW but doesn't want to leave her in pain so he can be a good guy over there with her too, so perhaps H is planning to let her down slow, maybe shift the relationship to friendship, perhaps over the summer. And then he will consider coming back home. Does this theory make sense? Does it ever work that way? If I have this hope, without expectations, and I just keep DBing, is that OK? Or am I deluding myself about how long this could go and drag on, etc.? I admit, more visits to her will suck as far as I am concerned. If he has to do it, he has to do it. But it is so hard for me to stomach.

One more thing, I have had an inkling since April that H might return to Germany in June. His pattern has been visits to the OW every 2 months since they met, and that will be 2 months since the last visit. It is also his birthday in June. We had a little discussion about birthdays tonight, I will be 50 this year in Nov, and I talked about going to Las Vegas a few weeks ago, and tonight I told him my new dream about what I want to do instead, and he seemed to really like that idea. There was an assumption on his part in the convo that he will be there for mine. Then I asked him about his birthday, what did he want to do? He mentioned how much he liked his 40th in Yosemite (it was a special plan of mine, he had never been there, we went as a family, it was great). I like to make a big deal out of holidays and birthdays, and he had never had that before. Anyway, then he said, "I don't know - my mom is visiting my Oma (Grandma) that week, and maybe I'll surprise her and go up there." And I just said, "Oh, you think you might want to go to Germany for your birthday?" and tried not to sound dissapointed or reactive since it didn't sound like I was invited to HIS birthday... Again, I am not sure if he would visit OW and mom is the excuse because he can't bear to look bad in front of me, so he is back to pretending... or if he is really moving on, beginning to reconnect with his family again, and OW is leaving his radar as a priority.

So how does this work? I think it's important I stay in reality about OW, even if things are going well for the time being between my H and I. I know I am not supposed to think the A is the issue (I know it's not the cause, just a symptom). But still, it's nice to know what the status is. As far as I can tell, there's no way to know until he tells me what the status of their situation is. It feels WAY too soon to ask. We are not there yet at all as far as I can tell, and if I don't think he's telling the whole truth already, then if I ask it won't make any difference - anyway. Does it matter right now? Or should I just keep ignoring the whole darn A and not worry about it until he says something about it? Is there ever an appropriate time to have a honesty/integrity conversation? I know we would need one before we could even begin to have a healthy marriage. But what is the timing of this? Or will he just confess/share whatever no matter what eventually, and I just need to be patient - even if it's after he wants to move back in? That doesn't seem right. Honesty/integrity is a deal-breaker for me, so to move forward towards a healthy M, if that is to occur, it would have to be a part of our M agreement. Is this a much much later convo?

H left on a good note. Told me he had a wonderful day with me, and gave me a kiss. It was a good day. There is progress here, right? I can afford to be hopeful? As long as I continue to remain casual and visibly detached? Did I put too much in the R talk? It seems like I did OK but I suppose if he back pedals soon, I will have to step back and retrench. I will see H next on Tuesday night. Should be brief. Then Thursday and Friday, we stay in a hotel together again, near D's house. I always like that even if we are not currently physical together. He did compliment me tonight (noticed I have lost more weight - wants me to go out and buy all new clothes instead of taking in the old ones - it was really flattering).

Thanks in advance for feedback and insights regarding my situation. I appreciate you all so much. It really helps.

[Was2sad]

PL

Thanks for stopping by. I have tried to look over your thread pretty quick and hope to share without confusing. Sometimes this is not easy for me.

I think that your H could be mlc. Of course I tend to think that about almost anyone that drops the bomb on someone so special. There are a few things that tend to stand out with a MLCer. There are difficulties in making up your mind if he is or is not. If there is a speedometer for MLCers, or any measurement scale from 1 to 10 your H wouldn't rate at the top. He is not burning down Rome yet. That is good for you, but hard to confirm as mlc.

It sounds like he has obvious fertilizer to feed a mlc. But I missed a little about the seed. It is so often planted in the youth years. A poor relation with parent(s). Something that fosters low self esteem is what you look for. His actions of rescueing this OW to self medicate his low self esteem indicates he is there. As for OW, what MLCer would be caught dead without one?

Most of the MLCer behavior is a full 180 opposite from who you knew. That makes them hard to live with and impossible to use logic on. You mentioned the summer and fall last year as being rough and it fits nicely with the Denial and Anger stages that start mlc. You probably noticed you were walking on eggshells all through the fourth quarter. He would likely be in the Replay period now where he would spend most of his transition.

In Replay you would want to learn all you can about the cycling or recycling of earlier life issues. He would be at a time that he is stuck and can not move forward. They know something is wrong but not what. They struggle to find out what is wrong. They experience a great awkening of a sleeping ego the size of King Kong. This ego gets stroked by the Replay Affair. They feel good, like they haven't since the rush of first falling in love with you. Later they learn it was not love. He loves you.

The OW is not your worry. Here is why. If he is MLC she is only a symptom of his virus, like a fever blister that will go away in time. Trying to make him get rid of her is like telling him he does not have your permission to feel good. She is just a pound mut he is saving off the street. Of course you want him to feel good around you. He will to the extent he can. But being around you and knowing he is doing wrong makes him guilty. The MLCer does not intend to feel guilty. Not at all.

They will totally disconnect from any friend, relative, or other person who tells them they are being stupind and ruining their lives along with everyone around them. The best way to see if he is mlc is to get him mom or dad to do this. If he stops speaking to them you have a good clue. But don't do that.

What you do provide him with is the incredible measure of patience you are showing, and the DB practices you are mastering. This is why you see all the DB baby steps and he is so comfortable around you. The MLCer wants to be friends, and needs you to be a friend, without pursuing them or making them feel guilty. They will not stand for being backed into a corner with an ultimatum. They will cut you off.

Remember I am ONLY talking mlc here because that is what I have read the most and observed. But almost all DB works the same on a WAH as mlc. The difference is a lot of the time the MLCer is not home, and their 180 opposite twin alien is in control.

You did say he was troubled with work career worries and that is normal feed for the seed. HIs interest in relations from his native county are not so uncommon. Don't know why, but would guess that is the last place he thought he was happy and part of this is him looking for his happiness. His real happiness has been put aside and covered up. He is looking for that great euphoric happiness he is now afraid to live without. It is a fantasy and he will not find it. He will come to learn what true love is again and it will not be OW. Even if he left and M her in his old country, it will not feel right by the end of the ceremony. That is not his answer. His answer is to give this process the time that mother nature requires for him to resolve his issues himself. They all say they need time and space. Why? It is not a commercial on tv. Whey do they all feel the need to say this? Because they all feel the need in such an overwhelming way, and don't understand it. They are drawn to it like a moth. To move forward, they do have to give in to it. His time in the transition will be affected by how much he resists, and how much you hold him back. The quickest way to help him is to give him that time and space to find himself, while being his friend. If you want to be his friend, put on those sexy little overalls the next time you go to deliver him a surprise snack at his shop and don't expect anything in return but a smile. Then tell him how nice his smile is. Stroke that King Kong ego with no expectations.

Then go hme and plant a lot of Patience in your garden, as we all need a lot of that during our mlc.

[PositivelyListening]

W2S, Thank you so much for stopping by, and looking in on me. Your post was really helpful to me, confirming the liklihood of the MLC but also the gratitude that I have that H is not as full blown in his behaviours as some I have read about. Does that mean he could move through it faster? That would be nice Somehow, even though there are always individual situations and styles with most anything, it is helpful for my compassion levels to have an understanding that there really might be something going on for H besides dissatisfaction in our M and me.

You said:

It sounds like he has obvious fertilizer to feed a mlc. But I missed a little about the seed. It is so often planted in the youth years. A poor relation with parent(s). Something that fosters low self esteem is what you look for.

H was sexually abused by his father, at age 12 when his father was an alcoholic and before father acknowledged his homosexuality. This is the same age his S is now, the one we were in the midst of immigrating. The thing he has been most worried about for his children is that they would be sexually abused or exploited. His relationship with his father has been forgiven and not discussed. H seemed to be resolved and had put this issue behind him, actually seems to have a good relationship with his dad now. His family does not openly discuss issues. So I am breaking his family code to mention it, but I expect this will remain anonymous here. Anyway, I believe seed for the MLC is there, although H would NEVER EVER admit this is a continuing issue, and has told almost no one (MC and me might be it). H would also never ever admit that he is possibly in MLC.

H has told almost no one about the A. His behavior of lying and deceiving was completely out of character. Although withholding uncomfortable information, and avoiding confrontation was common. He has always valued integrity and honesty to an unusual degree, and always lived it impeccably. The worst thing you could EVER accuse my H of was lying or abuse. Nothing would hurt him more than that. His mom and dad might think he is behaving badly if they knew what was happening, but neither of them would ever say.

The ego thing and low self esteem issues are the most obvious things, so strange that you should mention it. He has spouted off proudly how he has "two homes right now" - how abundant he is. He will be getting citizenship soon, and the immigration process asks some weird questions, but the one about poligamy brought out off-color jokes, based on our sitch - like it was really something you could excel in . There is a lot of pride in the fact that his business efforts have really made a big difference and he just paid off a huge loan, and has four new big jobs in the works. I am proud of this too, as he was very worried about $$ (and his S) when the A started. But he seems so thirsty for strokes and admiration. Fortunately (other than the A) I do not have much difficulty admiring my H and telling him so, and I think it is helping. His primary LL is Words of Affirmation, which all makes sense. He seems very sensitive about his looks, my looks, aging, and is trying to figure himself out by trying some new things. He went out for a beer with buddies after work recently (never did that in our entire marriage) and also went to a party by himself (which he hated). But I do admire his efforts to explore, and have been giving him positive strokes and appreciation for all of it (even when I am jealous or feel left out).

It sounds like you are telling me that my patience and understanding will matter most. That has been my gut all along, whether it is MLC or not, so that is good confirmation. Sometimes it is hard to put aside my feelings and needs over and over again with him, but I am doing my very best to meet them in every other way and elsewhere. Whenever I get discouraged by his behavior or words, I will remember that this too shall pass. If I was in trouble, I would hope my loved ones would stick by me. I realize my H may decide once all is said and done that he is though with our M. I have never seen you post that though. I visualize a positive outcome for us together, and you seem to hold that space for the return of MLCers. I want to see this through and have it be a clear choice (not a crisis-mode choice) so there will be no regrets. I really love him. I will try to remember that the A and the OW will not prevail over time. I will do my best to be patient, and resist any ultimatums. So far I have been successful, although every once in a while I want to run until he's done. But the baby steps I see do give me hope.

Thanks for saying the sexy overalls with a meal delivery are OK It seems to feed his soul as well, when I do caring things. I will continue to have no expectations, and enjoy it when nice things happen. I miss the sexual contact and closeness. But, a smile is better than many other things!

I wonder when it will be OK to have regular conversations again - about our R, values, commitment, integrity, healthy boundaries. I suppose that is much later, and he will initiate or I will know when? I have heard that nothing can move forward until the A has ended. But I have also heard that the A doesn't matter. How can both be true?

They should name a pretty flowering plant for the garden Patience. We could all use more of it in our gardens of life! In any case, this year, I will plant no impatiens

W2S, if you have any books to recommend, please let me know. The only things I have read on MLC are the Conway's "Your Husband's MLC" and some of the posts in the MLC forum. Thanks again!

[grasshopper]

PL, there was a lot to digest in that post but I want to address your general question.

I have heard that nothing can move forward until the A has ended. But I have also heard that the A doesn't matter. How can both be true?

It can be true because the statements are about two different things. They apply differently.

The first, that nothing can move forward, IMHO, means that your R is likely to stay stuck at a certain point, usually the point where H is comfortable (no sex, very little affection) until the A is over. Until then, nothing, i.e., no relationship growth, can occur.

The second statement refers to YOU. The A doesn't mean anything to you. It's not being done to hurt you or to affect you in any way. Your paying attention to it is the only power it has over you. So, when you hear that the A doesn't matter, or that it's not the REAL issue at hand, what is really being said is to not put all your focus on the A because to do so means losing sight of two very important things. One, yourself, and two, that there are other, more important issues in your marriage that will have to be addressed.

The point of both statements is to get you to understand that the A is not your main problem, your marriage is and more than that, the only way to work on your marriage right now is to work on YOU.

Does that help?

GH

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH, You are amazing. You understand the nuances of DBing so well. That really helped. I must say I understand that the R will be stuck as long as the A goes on. Which is where my impatience sets in sometimes - I just want my H to end the damn thing, tell me so, apologize and say he wants me in his life forever and ever all over again, so we can get on with it. You know? So then it's hard to get from there to the place where the A doesn't matter. But I do have moments when I really get that I need not GIVE the A any power, that I do that or not, and I can CHOOSE not, and to put my focus on myself, my life, what I want and care about, etc. It is getting better and better in this regard. But it is such a tricky balance between detachment (from his emotions, the rollercoaster, the negative gunk, etc.) and feeling like I don't care at all whether he will be in my life or not. I love my H. But I also see how easy it could be to fall out of love with him. I have to generate my love for him every day, and it is such a solo flight on most of them. Sometimes I feel pathetic - I focus on the positive things he does and says, and ignore all the stupid, negative, unaccceptable stuff - and sometimes it's hard not to feel like a real chump. I have to remind myself every day that I am choosing this path, and why it's important. I write this knowing good and pleasant things happened today. But I miss my H - the one who was loving and available to me. This one is a shadow H - kind of a shell. Maybe some day I will keep up my efforst to spend less time focusing on trying to figure him out and second guess him, and more time on me. This is sometimes challenging but it's really a gift, isn't it?

[PositivelyListening]

I saw H for 1/2 hour tonight. It has gotten almost ridiculous how much information has to be passed in these small windows of time. It is making me feel like I am talking more than I should be with him, and he strikes me as a bit impatient when he is rushed which exacerbates that feeling for me, although I remember not to take it personally. Fortunately I will see H a little more on Thursday night and Friday because we will be going down to D's house and staying at a hotel one night. As a Quality Time LL person, time with him helps me feel like some of my needs are getting met, even these days. And I will also see him Sunday for Mother's Day (I was surprised he wanted to join birth mother, D and me for brunch - but he did!). Even with such a short visit tonight, though, it went well and we seem to be seeing everything in alignment right now. I would like to just enjoy it, but I notice I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for something awful or unpleasant to happen. I would prefer not to think that way (and not to create it!) but it is a little hard to trust sometimes. I really like his current behaviors. I just am not sure if this is permanent or if he will back track. Or God forbid, decide this is the place he is comfortable relating to me, FOREVER. Arm's length.

It turns out H's US citizenship was accepted, and they scheduled him for the swearing in ceremony right smack in the middle of D's graduation festivities with all of the relatives and friends coming etc. (not the actual grad ceremony time, but a big part of the fun gathering on the day before - we are all going to Disneyland together). I have been waiting and looking forward to his citizenship for a long time - it is a big step, and also a big indication to me that he is moving forward with staying right here. In fact when he revealed the A, I thought he might postpone or drop the process, but he never misssed a step in moving forward on it, even though it involved a fair amount of cooperation on both our parts. I spoke to D about going to H's swearing in, and of course she would have been really dissapointed, but also would support what ever we needed to do. She is an angel. I thought and thought, and realized it was out of integrity to let D down and not go to her special day when we had made plans to be there. We made those plans first. H had indicated that he could go to the citizenship ceremony by himself (which would have been a disapointment of another kind for D and me but acceptable if that was what he WANTED). Anyway, I was hoping he would choose to place our family event first, and be with us, but fully expected that he would decide to make "no big deal" of not being with us, and "no big deal" of going to his big event alone. Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. He is going to write the requisite letter to the Feds, asking for a rescheduling, so he can be with us on D's special weekend. You have no idea how surprising this is to me, considering how withdrawn he has been for months. He has seen no one who will be there except D & me, since January and the reveal of the A. I am thrilled to be invited to his swearing in ceremony and to be invited to make a big deal of it for him as a special day (this was discussed BTW - I think he is admiting he likes it ), and even more thrilled that he will face all the friends and relatives, cook the BBQ dinner with me, etc. at D's graduation. I keep wondering if those new herbal supplements have been part of this magic during the last 2 weeks. It has been a rather dramatic and very nice turnaround . H also made plans with me to do repairs and maintenance when our tenants move out next week. We met with the tenants, H looked over everything, was very calm and efficient. It appears we are working as a team. All of this (the convo about the citizenship ceremony, meeting w/ the tenants, dicsussing what we each needed to do and when, etc.) occured in 25 minutes, and off he went. Pleasant hello and a hug. Hurried but pleasant kiss goodbye as he left for his meeting.

So things are going well, I am feeling more "myself" around H a lot of the time now, not needing to walk on eggshells so much, have talked about some tough things recently, and all is well. So what's missing? The affection, the physical closeness, and there is an absolutely glaring absence of any mention of the OW or the A. So is he just trying to look real good for me? He's doing a good job. But I would need him to be comfortable in being authentic and honest with me about everything at some point, to know we are on a road to healing and not just maintaining an efficient and amicable "family business" partnership. I guess I am supposed to continue to wait, be patient, and not bring up the A or OW or sexual intimacy until he does? For HOW long?

H is having "we" conversations with me though. Tonight he said, the one thing he didn't miss was the cat hair (the cat LOVES him, misses him, and is shedding all over him this time of year.) He said, "Next time we will have to get one of those hairless cats" (which was a little tease because he is allergic to cats and I showed him pictures of the Sphinx breed before we got our cat, and he would have nothing to do with such an ugly creature. So we picked this one together at the pound.) I get a "we" in our conversations often now, and also a fair amount of future planning talk from him. I suppose I should just enjoy it - it seems like he is coming around somewhat. Is it OK to play along with all that most of the time and encourage it? I'd rather think of our future together too, so it makes me happy when he speaks that way. But I don't want to be niaive and make a big splat with my face on the pavement. I feel confident but cautious. Am I doing OK with him?

Meanwhile, I am taking really good care of myself. Had yoga and a 2 hr walk on the beach today. All this exercise is completely 180 for me since the separation (although I was pretty fit in the early part of our M). I am getting more organized although I have way too much stuff with more on the way (however D and I are planning to tackle this together in a big way in June). I am feeling positive and hopeful. I could use more activities in the evening, that aren't alone. Unfortunately, most of my friends are happily married and use their evenings for each other. I did see a collection of men drinking wine outside at a cute little restaurant yesterday, and found out there is Italian conversation going on there every week. I speak a little Italian, and love Italy. So I'd like to try that out. I notice I am a little intimidated about going out in the evening alone. I like being married and having a partner. I am afraid now that men will hit on me. Since becoming a mother 25 years ago, I have always felt a little vulnerable in this regard. Marriage was such a relief to me, I felt so safe and protected. This might sound silly, but if I go out in the evenings to places that allow conversation (instead of just the movies or something like that), is it pretty much OK as long as I wear my wedding rings and don't say yes if I'm propositioned?

[always_14]

Hey PL...thanks for your post this morning, really turned a sour mood around for me! It's been tough dealing with bubbling memories with H gone, but I guess that's what this time is for!!

WOW....sounds like in many ways you've come far in your sitch. With that being said, you're experiencing what many of us here do; from time to time, you are on a roll with the PMA, detachment, etc and then you hit a wall of impatience when you come up for air. Then you have to get back at it again. I understand your fear of detaching to the point of totally letting go--I fear that too. You sound like you won't go that way. You're enjoying the moment with H. Good for you!

Go out there and enjoy yourself. Don't engage in anything that diverts you from your goals, but have some fun. Hang out with friends, take more walks and feel good. Remember, years ago, you had this vision of the woman you wanted to be? Think of her and go for it!

What helped me in detachment phase was NOT counting the baby steps. I know it's contradictory to other DB stuff, but when i did count it, I would go crazy, wondering when all these good little things were happening, why it couldn't go all the way. I also found I lost focus on ME. So, I stopped keeping count of H's baby steps, and just kept track of MINE. Have a vision of who you are, your values, your self and your detachment attitude....then, in your interactions, journal how YOU handled things, the little things YOU did different that are a change for you and pat yourself on the back. (Ex: when he came over, you didn't criticize, you smiled a lot, you worked as a team, you let him go happily after just 30 min without being sad). Before you know it, you'll come up for air and see big changes in H. It gets you refocused.

Anyway, it's my style, but not for everyone. Do what's best for YOU.