how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Today H spent the day with me. It was a super day. I made him breakfast, we sat outside and read the funnies and watched the birds. We had tough stuff to discuss and it all went exceedingly well. It is weird, but I am beginning to be OK with our situation as it is. Not all the time, but a lot of it. I don't know how that can be. It's really surprising to me.

We had a talk about our plans for the next two weeks, a talk about finances and even a little R talk. As far as I can tell, my H is being a saint, compared to most of the WAS's I read about. Not sure if it's guilt, or my DBing prowess lol, but he is just coming through in every possible way except he is not yet very physical with me or saying he wants to come home. I am making every effort not to push or pressure. RB, thank you for your message this morning, it helped me prepare what I wanted to say to him regarding the finances with no attachment to the outcome.

So here's what happened. When we brought up the schedule of events for the next two weeks, we were working as a team all along the way. All the plans are in order between us (who does what) and H is even beginning to be "husband-like" with me, reminding me to call my birth mother tonight to update her on the plans, etc. My daughter wanted to move back in to our house for the month of June, so I told him that I wanted to discuss it with him first, as I continue to consider our home "ours" and wanted to make sure he was OK with this temporary arrangement. He joked around about how common this transitional coming home after college before the next job is. So I got more straight, but sweetly, and said "Because our place is so small right now [we live in the attached cottage and rent out the main house], I don't want her return to take precedence over our relationship, in the event you are considering coming home." Didn't intend this as pressure, but also wanted to take the risk to see if he was doing any planning around returning, because his 6 month lease on his rented room is up in June. He handled this VERY well, although he is still not being 100% straight with me IMHO. He said he basically has four jobs he will be doing simultaneously starting this coming week, which should slam him with work all through the summer. So he won't be considering anything other than concentrating on work prior to August. In this conversation, he thanked me for how I have not been pressuring him, and have been giving him his space, how great I have been, and told me what a good wife I am.

Later in the conversation, he told me that he still really wanted to buy a second fixer upper house, now that we have sold D's house, and that he really wanted us to consider doing this in July or August. We talked about the tax benefits of buying another house this year, rather than facing capital gains during next year's taxes. So, I decided I had to say what has been unsaid up until now. This was the most borderline pressureful thing I said today, but it is the truth and I felt I had to say it because it had not yet been said and is pretty darned important related to our basic assumptions about what works in the world of relationships. Background: my H's father and mother have been married for 50 years, but have lived in a sexless marriage for at least 30 years (H's dad is gay, but remains married for appearance's sake; they remain married and functioning as business owners/partners, sleeping in separate bedrooms, all very amicable and cordial). When my H revealed his A, he told me he did not want to move out, and did not want a D, and wanted to stay married and be my "business partner" that he trusted my business sense, etc., it's just that he was "not in love with me anymore - sees me like a sister" blah blah. So, in a very gentle way I felt I must make sure that he understood that his parent's sitch will not be my future. So I said, "I really want to get another house too. But I need you to understand that I want to have a healthy and whole marriage with you, not just half a marriage. I am not sure I would want to move forward on another house until you have decided about that." It was a pretty quick acknowledgement on his part, a kind of mildly curious tone with an "Oh, OK" and we moved on.

Regarding the finances conversation I was worried about before, I was kind of blown away by H. I said, "I know we discussed you not paying in to our household expenses anymore once the other house was sold, which is this month..." And he interrupted and said, "I don't see how that is going to work" and for a minute I thought he meant he wouldn't be paying another penny after this month - that that wouldn't work... but NO! He meant, he didn't think NOT paying would work, he thinks I need to have his money coming in (which I do if I am to continue living exactly the way I am currently living). But I was not expecting this at all. I thought he might have fantasies of spending all the money on fun with the OW. He did say that we might need to negotiate the amount a little bit, depending. Honestly, I was thrilled. He does seem to be thinking about me in a very generous way in this regard. If H were to leave, I would get the house (he has agreed to this) so he would walk away with his business but all the work and equity in the house would be mine. This is not small potatoes considering the rise in real estate values here, although his business is where all of our future possibilities come from - I work for a non-profit. So together, we are both better off than either of us are separately. But H has promised me he will never hurt me financially, and so far he has been good to his word and then some in this regard.

He stayed for a long time today. We did some work separately, and then we took a two hour walk on the beach together. On the walk, he again told me I was a good wife. We held hands, and had a few hugs. But generally H was a little physically aloof today. But he did kiss me, hug me, and hold my hand a few times. I changed in front of him, and he seems embarrased about this sometimes, averts his eyes. Is this guilt? Should I make more of an effort to dress privately? Up until now, I have teased him a little with dressing and sleeping with him is cute nighties when the opportunity has come up. Is that pressure? I keep hoping some embers will catch fire one of these days.

I think H lied to me (or himself) at one point though (or maybe more than once). I think H is still having the A. Of course I do not bring it up or ask directly. He has not brought it up to me at all since before his last trip to Germany. Now I know that H had a "good trip" with her, according to my D because he talked to her. Although it is possible he has ended it, he seems too cheery and positive for that to be the case. And as I mentioned, her photo with him is still in the shop. So, you all, tell me if this makes sense: I think H is still having an EA at least with regular phone contact. But tonight, at some point I mentioned that I don't really talk to him very often [this is out of context so it might sound confrontative, but it really wasn't the tone on both of our parts was very calm and casual] and he said "I don't talk to ANYBODY right now. I talk to you more than I talk to anyone else. Except for maybe J*** who works in the shop next door - he comes over to bug me a lot." H is spending almost all of his time alone, and says he's "not sure why" but he really likes it right now. So either he is lying (ie. having contact with OW as before but she "doesn't count" in his MLC mind and he is back to "underground status" regarding the A) or he has ended it with her. Hate to say it, H is being so "nice" in every way, but I think it is more likely he is lying. I think he wants to look good in my eyes (and everyone's eyes) as a matter of fact. But he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I talk to you more than anyone" and I said "More than anyone?" and he said "definitely" and then went on about the exception being the drop in neighbor. However, my H has always had a big issue about "what will the neighbors think?" - seriously. I have never cared at all about that, which was a little bone of contention for him in our M, for example when I would speak too loudly and others could hear. So here's my theory: H wants to end the relationship with OW but doesn't want to leave her in pain so he can be a good guy over there with her too, so perhaps H is planning to let her down slow, maybe shift the relationship to friendship, perhaps over the summer. And then he will consider coming back home. Does this theory make sense? Does it ever work that way? If I have this hope, without expectations, and I just keep DBing, is that OK? Or am I deluding myself about how long this could go and drag on, etc.? I admit, more visits to her will suck as far as I am concerned. If he has to do it, he has to do it. But it is so hard for me to stomach.

One more thing, I have had an inkling since April that H might return to Germany in June. His pattern has been visits to the OW every 2 months since they met, and that will be 2 months since the last visit. It is also his birthday in June. We had a little discussion about birthdays tonight, I will be 50 this year in Nov, and I talked about going to Las Vegas a few weeks ago, and tonight I told him my new dream about what I want to do instead, and he seemed to really like that idea. There was an assumption on his part in the convo that he will be there for mine. Then I asked him about his birthday, what did he want to do? He mentioned how much he liked his 40th in Yosemite (it was a special plan of mine, he had never been there, we went as a family, it was great). I like to make a big deal out of holidays and birthdays, and he had never had that before. Anyway, then he said, "I don't know - my mom is visiting my Oma (Grandma) that week, and maybe I'll surprise her and go up there." And I just said, "Oh, you think you might want to go to Germany for your birthday?" and tried not to sound dissapointed or reactive since it didn't sound like I was invited to HIS birthday... Again, I am not sure if he would visit OW and mom is the excuse because he can't bear to look bad in front of me, so he is back to pretending... or if he is really moving on, beginning to reconnect with his family again, and OW is leaving his radar as a priority.

So how does this work? I think it's important I stay in reality about OW, even if things are going well for the time being between my H and I. I know I am not supposed to think the A is the issue (I know it's not the cause, just a symptom). But still, it's nice to know what the status is. As far as I can tell, there's no way to know until he tells me what the status of their situation is. It feels WAY too soon to ask. We are not there yet at all as far as I can tell, and if I don't think he's telling the whole truth already, then if I ask it won't make any difference - anyway. Does it matter right now? Or should I just keep ignoring the whole darn A and not worry about it until he says something about it? Is there ever an appropriate time to have a honesty/integrity conversation? I know we would need one before we could even begin to have a healthy marriage. But what is the timing of this? Or will he just confess/share whatever no matter what eventually, and I just need to be patient - even if it's after he wants to move back in? That doesn't seem right. Honesty/integrity is a deal-breaker for me, so to move forward towards a healthy M, if that is to occur, it would have to be a part of our M agreement. Is this a much much later convo?

H left on a good note. Told me he had a wonderful day with me, and gave me a kiss. It was a good day. There is progress here, right? I can afford to be hopeful? As long as I continue to remain casual and visibly detached? Did I put too much in the R talk? It seems like I did OK but I suppose if he back pedals soon, I will have to step back and retrench. I will see H next on Tuesday night. Should be brief. Then Thursday and Friday, we stay in a hotel together again, near D's house. I always like that even if we are not currently physical together. He did compliment me tonight (noticed I have lost more weight - wants me to go out and buy all new clothes instead of taking in the old ones - it was really flattering).

Thanks in advance for feedback and insights regarding my situation. I appreciate you all so much. It really helps.