how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I have had a weepy day today. I don't entirely understand it, because I was doing good. No particular trigger, other than being home without my H. I guess I thought I had a handle on that by now, geez, he moved out in January. But when I spend the weekend with him, like I did last weekend, and then he dissappears and I'm home by myself and he's not here, well it's just plain hard sometimes. Everything reminds me that he is missing. Projects half done. His office half his, half a ghost town. The bed half empty. Oh brother. My D was here and we had a fine time together, though, went shopping last night for some clothes and shoes for her graduation, and I am looking really good in clothes now (they fit really well!) so I bought some new outfits too and that was fun. I haven't heard from or seen H all weekend, though, and the weekends are just hard for me when we aren't together. I am still grieving. I have not figured out anything that works for me when I am home by myself on the weekends yet, except going away somewhere else and being with friends. I have a ton of stuff that I need to work on at home, and I seem to just lose track of what I need to do when I'm here by myself, hours go by and I'm not sure what I've done other than reading my marriage-saving books for the 1000th time and get on this web site. This morning I took a long walk with my D at the beach, but I was feeling weepy and sad from the moment I woke up so cried a bit and talked about H even on our walk which I have been trying to do less of. Then half of the day, I was pissed off and wanting to end it now. Kind of obsessive and focused on thoughts about H all day. I realize I am hard on myself too, I think I have to have it together and be centered and calm and DB all the time, and sometimes I just can't. I don't know how the people living with their spouses do it, being seen all the time. Yet sometimes I think that would be easier too, because at least we'd have a chance to spend time together and maybe it would get easier and easier just from having the opportunity to do it all the time consistently and be seeing the results regularly. Of course, I don't really want my H here under my nose with the A continuing anyway. So I guess my ideal scenario is that he ends the A because he wants to, and then he wants to come home, because he wants to be with me. Tonight, however, it somehow feels like that will "never" happen, so that's why I'm weepy. Where did my PMA go? And my patience?

Anyway, H is supposed to come over tomorrow, and I am afraid I will have to cancel unless I can get more centered and cheery before he comes. Maybe a night's sleep will help. I will go to church in the morning too, that usually makes a big difference. I do need to talk to H about some important plans and the finances, and putting it off will not help me, as the more I can plan for this stuff, the less anxious and more centered I will be related to the rest of my life and all of these upcoming activities. So if anyone is out there, words of encouragement for me, or even some script phrases so I get my calm and stress-less self back or at least "act as if." I always have a hard time and stress around the finances in particular, and this is a pretty important conversation, it feels like it could be a turning point. Maybe that's part of the problem - I'm attached to a particular outcome. I'lll ponder that a bit, see if I can get unattached and let H show up like he needs to, whatever that looks like.