Actually, rather than list all my triggers (stinky t-shirts top the list, lol), I will say this; for me, simply recognizing that something IS a trigger is the first and often only step needed to overcome my reaction to it.
When you look hard at your interaction with your spouse, and start to see all the things they do that set you off, then STAY aware of those things, each one, when you are with them, you greatly increase your ability to see them coming and avoid your normal, negative reaction to them.
When I first started to understand detachment, I began by choosing one thing, in my case, my W going out at night with "friends" that I was going to control my reaction to. When I decided to do this, the HOW to do it became easy. By simply wanting to react differently, I was able to. It IS work though. I found that as time went on, and maybe I was not focused on "detaching" from a certain behavior, like her going out, and was suddenly faced with it, I would still START to react badly but I would often catch myself. After some time practicing, I got to the point where I did not need to TRY so much as detachment was more or less automatic for certain things. For other things, things like songs I had not heard in a long time, or new things my W would do, in other words, NEW triggers, I had to recognize these as triggers and then I could manage my reaction to them.
Of course, a lot of this become unconscious but I point out the "new trigger" thing because even today something will catch me by surprise and I will have a negative emotional reaction (which BTW I see as fine so long as you don't let it control you) and think that I am not succeeding in detaching when the truth is that we are all human and cannot expect to be robotic when it comes to all this.
So, practice but don't beat yourself up. You CAN take control over your reactions to life, and specifically THIS aspect of life if you want to badly enough. Sometimes though, we just need to go through a certain amount of self-imposed crap before we decide to stop.
