Hey, read through your post after your nice post to mine! I guess we're in sort of similar boats?
You're doing great. Keep on track....lots of good times, laughs and smiles. For me, that kind of time felt unfulfilling or fake at times (since there was much to be said and so much wrong), but it DID create a nice, respectful foundation for us to start acting compassionate and respectful to each other. It built a trust that we could be safe. For once H initiated R talk and it was sincere, not just what I wanted to hear or lies.
You're in a great spot. Hang in there. This will get tough, and you'll pray that it ends, many times. Think of it this way...he's showing patience too....there was a time that his pain was so great and he didn't get a D, he walked away in ways (the A), but he still stayed married and notices the changes. Trust me, even when you think they don't, they do....they are always watching, testing.
I did something that didn't work very well for me tonight emotionally. Good to find out where those edges and weaknesses are, I suppose. H & I had a great weekend, and I had a thank you card and tiny present for him, just to acknowledge all the work he did for 10 days to put the D's house in order for the city inspection before the sale is final. I am thinking his primary LL is Words of Affirmation with Gifts up there high in the top 3. Kind of a risk for me though, and in the back of my head I'm thinking OT has warned me - but, is this pursuing or does he need the strokes? It seems like when we are physically together, things get better the more I am around to appreciate him, and he is very reposinsive and loving, more so with each passing day when we are together. But we get back to the work week, living separately, and he "dissappears". It always feels so weird, even when I know it's going to happen. So, I decided to drop by his shop to bring the card & little gift. Actually hoping he wouldn't be there, so I could leave it in his shop as a surprise for him to find in the morning. 2 months ago, when I brought him a thank you card and flowers for a huge effort he made, he loved that - said it was really fun. And that was the last time I've dropped by the shop. So I thought I would try it again, see what happens. Test a behavior, then monitor the results, right? Since a primary concern he had in our M was that he did not feel acknowledged or appreciated, and often felt taken for granted, this seemed like a worthwhile small risk. We shall see.
But here's where I went in the emotional hole. I got to his shop and he wasn't there. Great, got to carry out my plan. But I realize now that I also had an expectation that the picture of him with the OW would be gone by now, and my picture re-hung in it's "rightful" place. I know this is foolishness for 100 reasons. But we had talked about it at one point maybe a month ago, I dunno, he had said he had planned to rehang my photo after the frame "coincidentally" broke (the month before the A was revealed) and the last time we spoke about it he said he had always liked that photo of me and was still going to rehang it. I am so silly to have expected anything. He is still all hung up on OW, right? He is just humoring me, or feeling guilty, or noticing changes in me but not trusting them, right? Well why should he trust me? I don't WANT to be his friend, I am his wife, and I hate the existence of the OW or anything else that gives my H more fuel to put his emotions or body and soul elsewhere instead of with me. I am all the things that OT talks about in her posts - as the LBS, I am selfish, arrogant, and want to control my H because I want him to love me, damn it! So I saw the photo of the OW with my H in there still, and the little gifts she gave him (I can tell, I can feel that they are from her - each one of them) and nothing's changed, nothing's different from last time, and what do I expect? Miracles, obviously. So I was mad, sad and hurt, and I cried driving home, ready to go dark or to start "After the Last Resort" technique right away ASAP now tonight. Screw you I'm outta here until you miss me and hurt. Obviously very emotional.
So here's the thing. I really don't want to give up. If I dissappeared would it help? I dunno. Thing is, I love my H, but if he told me he wanted a D or he wanted to run away to the ends of the earth with OW, or he wanted to be a bachelor again maybe even forever, I'd tell him I wanted him to be happy, and if he really wanted that life instead of a life with me, then we'd both be happier in the end because if he's not happy with me then I'd never be happy either, and both of us being unhappy or settling, well that's just not OK. And I really would be OK and I really would let go if he needed to leave permanently. So I'm willing to go the distance even if the end result is that he leaves. But I don't believe he wants to leave. His behavior with me hasn't been telling me that. He's been steadily making baby steps towards me. OK, so he hasn't ended the R with OW. Her picture is still hanging out at his shop. He probably talks to her and she's probaly still all over his phone bill. OK. Probably nothing has changed. I still think it will. Is that arrogant? Or just holding the space for my H to return and having PMA in the interim? I am afraid of what OT might say. But OT and all of you are rooting for me to succeed in my DBing efforts. So bring it on.
I really liked what Always said in her last post:
Quote: Hang in there. This will get tough, and you'll pray that it ends, many times. Think of it this way...he's showing patience too....there was a time that his pain was so great and he didn't get a D, he walked away in ways (the A), but he still stayed married and notices the changes. Trust me, even when you think they don't, they do....they are always watching, testing.
So if I can DB tomorrow and the next day too, and the day after that, I just might make it. I am sure my H will realize I saw the photos situation again too, after all we did talk about it, and he seems to be remembering everything and thinking a lot more and noticing me and my behaviors these days. So if he's testing me next time, knowing I "saw", I'd better have it together, right? H told me he wants to come over this weekend to help me rearrange the whole garage. Should I, shouldn't I? If he forgets, I won't bring it up. If he renegs, I won't care. Truth is, I just want to sleep with him. I'm pathetic, even when I don't act like it.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, I think you did GREAT! I am proud of you. You made a decision to do something for your H and in the process, found out that some of what you THOUGHT was your motivation in all this (OW being going) was actually not the case...and managed to emote, and then get back to the business at hand.
I sympathize with you because I recently went through something similar when I decided to go against my strongest advice not to snoop and looked at my W's cell phone only to find out that she had indeed called OM even though she said she had not. It's not like I really believed her but my reason for snooping was NOT for the normal reason (this is my excuse anyway), I wanted to make sure that I was not doing all this JUST because I somehow believed OM was gone but because I truly had made progress in my own self esteem and independence. Does that make sense. By confirming what I already knew to be true, that in some way, OM was still around, I was able to refocus on myself and DB in a way that I had not in a couple weeks. I was not angry or hurt, just reminded of the reality of my sitch.
This is what I think happened to you. Yes, you got angry and upset. That is FINE and you should not deny that. The important part is that you realized that this changes nothing in your sitch. You KNEW your H was not really back 100% so to expect that he was away from OW 100% is unrealistic at this point. You now know that you are capable of getting emotional by a trigger (stuff from OW) that used to push you over the deep end and then pulling yourself back to center again. That is a really handy tool to have in your DB tool belt, and one that is hard to come by. It's called detachment and now that you can do it, you are even MORE free to be YOU in all this and stop being whatever emotion the situation seems to warrant.
Like I said, you did great. I would NOT bring this up to H. If he "knows" you saw the picture and stuff, and feels guilty about it, or just feels the need to talk about it, then let him talk. Listen, validate and then move on. He KNOWS what he has to do and when things get more on track, he will have to do them. At this point in the journey, you now know that it's not your place to do these things for him.
I too think you did great....sure you're going to have a reaction to the negative stimuli, its only natural, but its your response to that stimuli that is important.
Something you touched upon in your post really resonated with me because I know I have felt all those things that you have as well....screw this, I'm tired of dealing with the drama, etc. But the point is, and you couldn't have said any better, every day we wake up and we CHOOSE to DB to the best of our abilities. Each day comes and goes, some better than others, but we are all still here doing what we can to save our M's.
You are not pathetic, you have feelings and emotions, just like everyone else...again, it how you manifest those feelings and emotions that counts. I think you did fine. Keep on keeping on!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hi GH & PArob, I was so glad to hear from you this morning. I had a little bit of a rough night - the cat was dancing on my head at 4 am and after that the wheels starting turning in my head and I couldn't sleep. So hearing your reassurances that I'm doing good really really made a difference for me this morning.
The triggers are tricky, aren't they? GH has those reappearing t-shirts that smell like someone else. That's tough. This OW has entered my H's life with an "angel" theme, and it really pushes my buttons. I like angels. And now when I see angel statues and decor (especially when I am with my H) I think, I wonder if he is thinking about HER when he sees that. Because I am. And it makes me mad, like she took something precious, something sacred, and claimed it from my life. Makes me feel like a victim. Well, I'm claiming it back. I am reading a book right now about angels and angelic presence in your life. We all have guardian angels, and other spirits guiding us and watching over us. I claim that divine love for my life, and I'm willing to acknowledge it for everyone. We all deserve to love and be loved, we all need to feel cared for and watched over. Definitely my H. Even the OW. Me too These angels are just a symbol of what was missing, love and caring and comfort and understanding and compassion. And I'm claiming it back, for me, and for my M, and for anyone who wants in.
If any of you have thoughts in this regard, about how to detach even further from those things that trigger us, let me know. I never realized how much symbolic things affect me. I should have known, I'm actually very sentimental. I read on someone else's post that her H made a CD for his OW with some of "their" songs on it, including the song they danced to at their wedding. I am not sure how I could stomach that.
So managing triggers. Question for all of you out there: What are your triggers, and what do you all do to manage the triggers when they hit you?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I think in my sitch, the biggest trigger is, believe it or not, James Blunt, especially the song Goodbye My Lover and You're Beautiful. OM gave my W this CD back in October and she absolutely loved it. Mind you, I think its a very good cd myself, but hearing these songs really sends me way down (just listening to the lyrics.....) anyhow. Insult to injury, I had seen him on SNL back around the same time as was going to buy the CD for my W.....he beat me to the punch. That and the Bo Bice CD he gave to her....
In any event, I sorta tackled the James Blunt thing in a couple of ways. I found other CD's that she would be interested in and, to top it off, i actually took her to one of his concerts back in May.....she knew how I felt about the CD so this was a pretty big move on my part. I still get a little down about when I hear the songs today, but I've moved past it.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Actually, rather than list all my triggers (stinky t-shirts top the list, lol), I will say this; for me, simply recognizing that something IS a trigger is the first and often only step needed to overcome my reaction to it.
When you look hard at your interaction with your spouse, and start to see all the things they do that set you off, then STAY aware of those things, each one, when you are with them, you greatly increase your ability to see them coming and avoid your normal, negative reaction to them.
When I first started to understand detachment, I began by choosing one thing, in my case, my W going out at night with "friends" that I was going to control my reaction to. When I decided to do this, the HOW to do it became easy. By simply wanting to react differently, I was able to. It IS work though. I found that as time went on, and maybe I was not focused on "detaching" from a certain behavior, like her going out, and was suddenly faced with it, I would still START to react badly but I would often catch myself. After some time practicing, I got to the point where I did not need to TRY so much as detachment was more or less automatic for certain things. For other things, things like songs I had not heard in a long time, or new things my W would do, in other words, NEW triggers, I had to recognize these as triggers and then I could manage my reaction to them.
Of course, a lot of this become unconscious but I point out the "new trigger" thing because even today something will catch me by surprise and I will have a negative emotional reaction (which BTW I see as fine so long as you don't let it control you) and think that I am not succeeding in detaching when the truth is that we are all human and cannot expect to be robotic when it comes to all this.
So, practice but don't beat yourself up. You CAN take control over your reactions to life, and specifically THIS aspect of life if you want to badly enough. Sometimes though, we just need to go through a certain amount of self-imposed crap before we decide to stop.
Yeah, what he said....I guess basically that was the point I was trying to get across....there are old triggers that I have dealt with and found ways to move beyond, but its also the new triggers that I have to watch for. In time I have found that my reactions to them have lessened to a degree only because I choose not to let them get to me.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Um, Rob...I bought my W & I tickets to see James Blunt next week...lol...I agree though. Those songs set me off still. It will be pretty hard to not get emotional. She loves the guy though and I bought the tickets a couple months ago before I really listened to the songs...geez...that will be a long night...lol.
LOL GH, trust me, I was ready to check out when he played that song.... Actually, its a fantastic show and the venue in Philly was absolutely the best. I enjoyed myself very much and my W was really pleased.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
These angels are just a symbol of what was missing, love and caring and comfort and understanding and compassion. And I'm claiming it back, for me, and for my M, and for anyone who wants in.