how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi always and everyone,

I did something that didn't work very well for me tonight emotionally. Good to find out where those edges and weaknesses are, I suppose. H & I had a great weekend, and I had a thank you card and tiny present for him, just to acknowledge all the work he did for 10 days to put the D's house in order for the city inspection before the sale is final. I am thinking his primary LL is Words of Affirmation with Gifts up there high in the top 3. Kind of a risk for me though, and in the back of my head I'm thinking OT has warned me - but, is this pursuing or does he need the strokes? It seems like when we are physically together, things get better the more I am around to appreciate him, and he is very reposinsive and loving, more so with each passing day when we are together. But we get back to the work week, living separately, and he "dissappears". It always feels so weird, even when I know it's going to happen. So, I decided to drop by his shop to bring the card & little gift. Actually hoping he wouldn't be there, so I could leave it in his shop as a surprise for him to find in the morning. 2 months ago, when I brought him a thank you card and flowers for a huge effort he made, he loved that - said it was really fun. And that was the last time I've dropped by the shop. So I thought I would try it again, see what happens. Test a behavior, then monitor the results, right? Since a primary concern he had in our M was that he did not feel acknowledged or appreciated, and often felt taken for granted, this seemed like a worthwhile small risk. We shall see.

But here's where I went in the emotional hole. I got to his shop and he wasn't there. Great, got to carry out my plan. But I realize now that I also had an expectation that the picture of him with the OW would be gone by now, and my picture re-hung in it's "rightful" place. I know this is foolishness for 100 reasons. But we had talked about it at one point maybe a month ago, I dunno, he had said he had planned to rehang my photo after the frame "coincidentally" broke (the month before the A was revealed) and the last time we spoke about it he said he had always liked that photo of me and was still going to rehang it. I am so silly to have expected anything. He is still all hung up on OW, right? He is just humoring me, or feeling guilty, or noticing changes in me but not trusting them, right? Well why should he trust me? I don't WANT to be his friend, I am his wife, and I hate the existence of the OW or anything else that gives my H more fuel to put his emotions or body and soul elsewhere instead of with me. I am all the things that OT talks about in her posts - as the LBS, I am selfish, arrogant, and want to control my H because I want him to love me, damn it! So I saw the photo of the OW with my H in there still, and the little gifts she gave him (I can tell, I can feel that they are from her - each one of them) and nothing's changed, nothing's different from last time, and what do I expect? Miracles, obviously. So I was mad, sad and hurt, and I cried driving home, ready to go dark or to start "After the Last Resort" technique right away ASAP now tonight. Screw you I'm outta here until you miss me and hurt. Obviously very emotional.

So here's the thing. I really don't want to give up. If I dissappeared would it help? I dunno. Thing is, I love my H, but if he told me he wanted a D or he wanted to run away to the ends of the earth with OW, or he wanted to be a bachelor again maybe even forever, I'd tell him I wanted him to be happy, and if he really wanted that life instead of a life with me, then we'd both be happier in the end because if he's not happy with me then I'd never be happy either, and both of us being unhappy or settling, well that's just not OK. And I really would be OK and I really would let go if he needed to leave permanently. So I'm willing to go the distance even if the end result is that he leaves. But I don't believe he wants to leave. His behavior with me hasn't been telling me that. He's been steadily making baby steps towards me. OK, so he hasn't ended the R with OW. Her picture is still hanging out at his shop. He probably talks to her and she's probaly still all over his phone bill. OK. Probably nothing has changed. I still think it will. Is that arrogant? Or just holding the space for my H to return and having PMA in the interim? I am afraid of what OT might say. But OT and all of you are rooting for me to succeed in my DBing efforts. So bring it on.

I really liked what Always said in her last post:

Hang in there. This will get tough, and you'll pray that it ends, many times. Think of it this way...he's showing patience too....there was a time that his pain was so great and he didn't get a D, he walked away in ways (the A), but he still stayed married and notices the changes. Trust me, even when you think they don't, they do....they are always watching, testing.

So if I can DB tomorrow and the next day too, and the day after that, I just might make it. I am sure my H will realize I saw the photos situation again too, after all we did talk about it, and he seems to be remembering everything and thinking a lot more and noticing me and my behaviors these days. So if he's testing me next time, knowing I "saw", I'd better have it together, right? H told me he wants to come over this weekend to help me rearrange the whole garage. Should I, shouldn't I? If he forgets, I won't bring it up. If he renegs, I won't care. Truth is, I just want to sleep with him. I'm pathetic, even when I don't act like it.