how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I am home from the weekend at D's house with H, and I am pretty darned pleased with myself and how it went. There were many, many fine moments that have given me a lot of hope that our marriage situation may be beginning to turn around. I say this knowing full well, that after a great weekend together, there could easily be a set back upon next encounter with H. And I say "great" weekend knowing that there are still many unmet needs, many unfulfilled desires. It's just that I saw progress, and I am tuned in enough now to understand that small progress counts a lot, because it really does add up eventually.

H checked into the hotel before I arrived. I was really looking forward to seeing him. He was exhausted from the long days's work, and he had fallen asleep by the time I called when I was about 10 minutes away. I love how one can always choose to see a situation with PMA or not. I arrived late, long drive, no dinner together, H too sleepy to connect the first night is one way to look at it. I chose the other way - H is cute when he's sleepy (and he really was too!) almost more relaxed and open to being with me than he might have been if he was trying to stay wide awake after being tired from a long day. He did a very cute one eye open thing with me for about 1/2 an hour while I got ready for bed, along with a little chatting. He sang me a German sleepy song. And I got to sleep with my H. On a funny note, my H reacts with "sleep walking" if you can call it that, when he eats sugar. He had a lemonade that night and acted out some amazing pantomimes in the middle of the night. Even though we had improved our eating habits a lot when we were analyzing and discovering the cause of these night activities (as some of them were scary - he leaped out of a window in the middle of the night once - and he never remembers any of it). But I was even happy to see one of those moments again that others don't really get to see, and to just be the one who gets to be with him for these private moments. But in the morning, he woke up aloof I would say. I maintained good cheer, and although it didn't feel good to sense the distancing and I wondered how the rest of the weekend would go, I chose to "act as if". Good call

Saturday H worked on the house all day. I helped him some, helped D some (as she is freaking out with tasks left to do - graduating her Masters degree program, moving and looking for a new job - all of which happens in May) and ran some errands to keep things going for both of them. I provided H with loads of appreciation for everything he was doing, and made myself useful particularly with things H doesn't do for himself but really needs/wants, such as running out for food, bringing him fresh bottles of water, etc. Packed a bunch of stuff, cleaned the garage. I did crawl around in the attic, and did a few other things that he didn't expect from me. Wired all the plugs and switches, and installed a light fixture. One new thing: I am currently wearing a "step counter", trying to reach 10,000 steps per day. Both H and D got a kick out of this, and want to "play" too. My attention to fitness of late is definitely a 180. I am looking thinner and cuter, and got some mileage out of getting so much help and attention from the guys working at Home Depot when I went without H - I tell H about these things but also about how they are gently let down by me when I mention "my husband..." H was beginning to perk up towards me by end of the day Saturday - seemed to be noticing and appreciating me more as the day progressed. D decided to take a break from stressing and have a late dinner with us. On the way from the hotel to D's house (with less than a minute before arrival), I took a risk. I told H that I understood that he was enjoying where he was living right now (the rented room where he says he can "just be alone" most of the time which he says he likes) but that I remained committed to our marriage, and that I knew that he continued to have some things to work out in his life, and that he didn't need to feel pressured by me at all as I was not in a rush, but that I continued to hold the space that he would return to our home and our marriage. I told him that I was looking forward to a time when he could tell me what it was for him that had made our marriage (and me) so difficult for him, and that I wanted more than anything to be able to address those things and work on making our relationship better and meeting his needs. That I really wanted that opportunity, and that I thought I deserved that chance.

Well, he squeezed my hand, petted my leg, told me how much he appreciated it. Said I did deserve it, and squeezed my hand again. And then off to dinner we went. Lots of laughter, joking and fun with D. His mom called on the cell from Germany while we were there too, and so we all got to talk to her while we were together. His whole family is rooting for our reunion, but it is subtle - I feel supported, and they say nothing to pressure H. Definitely a family re-bonding night. We saw a film afterwards which had a lot of relationship issues and infidelity issues and lack of self-love issues in it. H didn't talk about it too much that night, but it did make an impact as he brought it up 3 times the following day. Told me upon going to bed in the hotel how it was much better that I came down to D's house with him, and how glad he was that I was there. Lots more cuddling, hair stroking and eye contact than the previous night. But also a fair amount of quiet and far away staring off into space. H looks to me that he still has much healing to do - I must be VERY patient and not expect more than what shows up as available. I say this because I miss ML VERY much. So I must do a fair amount of positive self talk so as not to become openly frustrated, demanding, or needy. Sometimes H is cuddling, sometimes he is with his back to me on the far side of the bed. It needs to all be OK right now. There is a lot of progress. I hold the space that one day he will want to be my lover again.

This morning, getting ready to check out, I took another risk and asked for something. In our marriage when I have been stressed or worried, I have asked H to reassure me that "everything will be OK". It is like a little happy understanding between us and the reason and explanation does not have to be given. So, I was feeling the ending of our weekend, no ML, back to work all day and then separate homes, and packing up I was getting a little anxious. H didn't know why or what or anything as I caught it internally right away, but I just asked if he could tell me... and I didn't even have to finish my sentence, he was right there giving me a huge and comforting hug, telling me that I really didn't need to worry, that everything was going to be OK, and it was wonderful - he knew what to do even better or as good as always, I really felt it, he really wanted to say it and meant it, and at that moment we had a moment. I am so grateful for the small things.

Another breakthrough - H saw I was reading the 5 Love Languages, and was interested and curious. I told him I had taken the quiz in the back, and that I had also pretended I was him and taken the quiz as if I knew what he might say - but that I would love to see if I was right about him. H wanted to take the quiz and was interested in the results. It turns out I was mostly right about him - he is primarily Words of Affirmation, with Acts of Service a really close second. Gifts was a really close third and I never would have guessed that. I thought Personal Touch would be much higher for him rather than gifts - so that was new news. I explained to H about me being a Quality Time person and tears welled up for me as I tried to explain that, and what that meant. Something about telling H and realizing the dissapointment I had felt in the past or the fear that my needs might never be met by him brought the emotion to the surface. I also explained how I had complained and gotten a little depressed since this was an important growing unmet need in our M. (I am aware that this was heightened during the time of the secret A, but I did not mention that part) He said, "oh that's why being here on this weekend can work for you too!" I am not sure that he is interested at all yet in considering how HE might meet my needs. But that's OK, I know we will have to have that discussion at some point if he decides and communicates that he wants to work on our marriage. Meanwhile, I am working on meeting my own needs. However, it does seem like he is testing the water related to working on our M in terms of his behavior, which is good. Somewhere in this conversation, I also said that I had realized "a little late" what his love needs were. And he said, "well it's not TOO late".

So I am feeling pretty darn good about my DBing efforts of the past few months and the mini steps towards M progress. I am also feeling hopeful that H may be peeking out of the MLC tunnel, as he asked me to remind him to call his son this weekend too. His S12 has been refusing to speak to him (I believe this is because H had the A and S12 figured it out and didn't like it - but this has not been spoken). Two months ago, H stopped the weekly calling to S12 since he continually refused to speak with him on the phone. H couldn't deal with it (or anyone else or any other upsets at that point). Yet this weekend, he decided to try again. (He remembered on his own too). No luck with S12 who still refuses to talk with him. However, I told H that I was proud of him that he had made the call, and that I could only imagine how hard it was, but that it was wonderful that he hadn't given up. H thought that he might write a letter - but wants to do it when he can bring some humor back in. His family always uses lightness and humor to solve difficult issues (or maybe all issues). My family world uses a fair amount of emotion and straight talk. But I must allow H to find his own way on this. Humor is looking better and better to me at times too, when a long time ago I used to think it was inappropriate avoidance. I also told H that I had been thinking that I would like to write a letter to his S12 too, if he was OK with that, and he really liked it that I wanted to do that and told me to please go right ahead. I know I can not "fix" H's relationship with his S12 - they must do that. But I think H is now trusting me that I will present him in a good light to others, and is trusting and appreciating what I might offer to the situation in terms of support and balance. Which is a big turn around.

I kept the weekend as light as possible. I am encouraged. Even if it gets rough again (inevitable, right?) I still see slow steady progress. Also, I saw no visible signs of contact with the OW this weekend. There has been no word of her to me in ages. Just the occasional far away look in his eyes that lets me know it ain't over yet. I guess I don't need to be too concerned about that - right? I'm not bringing the A up unless he wants to talk about it. Right now I am just feeling grateful.

Is there anything else I should be looking for (or preparing for)?