how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH, I think my H is a people pleaser. In the beginning of our R he was a rather quiet, thoughtful person, and not particularly self-expressed. He spends a lot of time alone, at work and in leisure time. My friends who introduced me to him recall that he was somewhat withdrawn and all about work before we met, kind of a driven loner, which is odd because he also has a very playful fun creative side when he is happy and people who know him love him. He can be the one with the funniest and most interesting stories, the best dancer, etc. My friends and I introduced him to some personal growth seminars and we both did some together and separately for 3 or so years, and he really was alive during that time and so was our M. It was an exciting, growthful time. In the 2nd year of our marriage, he began to have some unhealthy expressions of anger towards me (and I had experienced abuse in my past, so it scared me), and we got into counseling together. Resolved the anger issues, but returned to MC in year 4 of our M as it started coming up again. I think he was repressing his feelings, wants and needs, and the resentment was bubbling up. Meanwhile, the seminars and personal growth work that had fed us so well as a couple had fallen by the wayside, as H was working (too much in my opinion) building his business, became president of Kiwanis locally, etc. Approximately 1 year before the A started, it became obvious to me that he was always trying to do what he thought I would want, rather than expressing what he wanted. It was driving me nuts. Partially because he was second guessing me, instead of giving me what I really wanted (which was quality time with him). I probably didn't handle it very well. I brought it up in MC, and it showed up at home when trying to plan to go somewhere for date night etc. He'd answer my "what do you want to do?" question with "what do you want to do?" and rarely if ever would he choose. I would just end up suggesting something finally, and he would say OK, that's fine. We took turns with making plans for a while, but later on he got to the point where he would have no plan, or even forget it was date night. He just was burnt out and wanted to stay home and watch TV and sleep. He was trying to please me because he thought he should, but he had no joy behind it. It felt like living with a burnt out shell of my H. I understand now that much of this behavior is MLC, but I did not know that then. And did I help the situation? Noooo... I made it worse, I am quite sure now. I just didn't realize. I was nagging him to do stuff on the house and with me. I was worried about money. I was very excited about his son coming to live with us, and didn't realize how overwhelmed he was feeling about it. I thought we could conquer anything - I'm a pull up by the boot straps and make it happen kinda gal, and he was having a private melt down. I was very insensitive to his needs, and I was out to lunch about it. PMA tyrant, literally. I have refused to let my family feel negative feelings, I always have a quick remedy, a snap out of it cure. I am fix-it queen. When people need an answer to solve a problem quickly, they come to me - I will know. I can only imagine how much he was silently suffering, and feeling made wrong and powerless and disrespected. I am so sorry about all of that now. The hardest thing is to have these insights about myself, and to have no opportunity to share them with him. Right now, H thinks I will never change. So he is reevaluating whether he wants to continue in our marriage, with all of that fodder in his mind as the reality of what he would have to return to. I know I can do better, I have already made great strides with myself. The insights I have had in relation to who I had been being have shifted me permanently. But of course I am worried my H will run before he ever gets to see it. For me, that is the truly heartbreaking part.

So what was it like for me to have an H who withholds his true feelings? It sucks. When he was sharing himself with me fully (in the beginning years) our R was so powerful and great. Thing is, I know he's in there. And I did my part to have him fall back to his familiar protective stance, with walls and withholds. What I really wanted from my H was for him to tell me what he wanted. I really did (and do) want him to be happy, I have always wanted that. I think he felt like he was telling me, and I wasn't getting it. Which is true, he's not as much of a talker as I am. I needed to listen more, and also read his behaviors more instead of expecting him to speak it always. One of the things he told me after we separated, was that I had an "advantage" when we had a disagreement because I had been an English major in college and he learned English as a second language on his own. Of course, I never felt that he couldn't express himself well - he's articulate, witty and extremely intelligent. But that is information for me that I was not listening well, and bowling him over in our conversations. He didn't feel heard, and finally he gave up.

GH, I am with OT in terms of you expressing yourself and your true desires, wants and feelings. I would get playful about it on occasion (not make it always so heavy - like the lick on the cheek or lifting her up and throwing her on the couch are all good) but truly I would step up being direct related to your feelings and desires. Maybe you also need to find out if she wants to, if she's interested, if she's committed, to working on meeting your needs. My guess is right now, she doesn't even know what your needs and wants are either. But she may not be ready to do anything too big, she may feel like she doesn't have it in her. It could be worthwhile to find out, though. Some things will be temporary adjustments, some things will be permanent things you will need to accept in order to be together, but it seems it is time to start picking away at it. Maybe your goals list for your marriage would be a place to start, and then find out what her goals are and where they intersect. ML 5 x/week? A weekend away without the kids once/mo? Salsa dancing lessons together? Maybe just start with one thing - tell her one thing you want and ask her if she can be committed to that with you. Remember, you don't need to talk about all this, you need to get into action with something - even a shared interest - that will eventually bring you closer. And I say for you, make it something physical.

All I can tell you, is that the few things I did hear from my H, when he told me something he wanted, I took on right away as I really wanted his needs met. But these were usually the small things, safe things for him. I wish more than anything that he had shared his deeper emotional needs instead of becoming increasingly unhappy and eventually having an A. And I wish we had been playing a lot more together, as we got into trouble when our R became all about work. The one thing I didn't listen to, that I really regret, is that he didn't like it when I got angry. I yelled at him. I never acknowledged it as yelling, I said I was being expressive, and coming from an Italian background I justified this and dishonored him. He needed me to speak softly. He would have heard me better, and I believe that his anger wouldn't have been out of control in frustration due to my yelling, if I had managed that behavior sooner. I will never yell at him or anyone again. I had some deep conversations with my D about this also. I was being tolerated, indulged, and humored by everyone in my family, but no one liked it - they were just stuck with it. No more.

I would say that your M is still very vulnerable if you are not calmly and fully self expressing what you want and need. Even if your W can not meet all of them, sharing about it will bring intimacy for you. I miss intimacy with my H more than I can say. It's like having a shadow H instead of a real one. Over time, it was like he was building slowly, steadily, a wall around himself to protect himself, with me outside. I'd love to take a bulldozer to his wall, but he's an escape artist and he'll definitely fly away never to be seen again if I do that! My H has to decide if I'm safe again, those are his issues to explore. All I can do is be committed to being a safe, loving, non-judgemental person he can count on if he decides to trust me again. I will need other things from him, like him sharing himself and his feelings with me again. Hopefully that will come. I pray every day that I will have the opportunity to show him I can be trusted with his feelings.