how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi OT, Thanks for clarifying. I wrote you a response this morning, but it disappeared after I saw it posted on the board - weird. Anyway, I appreciate your concern and words of caution. Here's what I decided to do:

I spoke with D and she really wanted me to come down this weekend anyway, as she is stressing about all of the transitions she is facing (graduation, moving, finding a new job etc.) so she has plenty for me to help with if H needs space and/or doesn't want my help on the completion of the house project. So I got a dog sitter for the weekend (so I wouldn't add his bouncy self to the already overflowing student household) and I got a hotel room for 2 nights, rather than staying at my D's, so I could make sure I had built in some self-care and TLC for me. H called me today at 5 pm and asked me if I was going with him tomorrow, he had plans to leave bright and early tomorrow am. Obviously whether I went with him or not was not of particular concern to him. I can not leave until tomorrow night, as I have 4 appointments tomorrow, so I told him I was going this weekend but would drive separately. Too bad about the extra gas he said. But I think that gives us both lots of freedom about whatever we want to do and how much time we spend together while we are there. I told H I had rented a hotel room, and he was welcome to stay with me, or to sleep on the couch at D's as he did last weekend - whatever he wants to do. He did not say one way or the other on the phone, and I am never sure if he is reacting to the fact that I didn't assume he would want to stay with me, and he wanted to feel more invited, or if he doesn't want to tell me I don't want to stay with you. It seems like he has more discomfort and guilt telling me he wants to see me and spend time with me, than the other way around. But he is hard to figure. Anyway, I told him I would call him on the way down tomorrow evening with an ETA, and he could meet me at the hotel if he wanted to, which is only 1 mile away from D's house. He seems to be fighting a cold and I am sure he is working too much right now. But his choices, oh well. I have decided to be totally happy whether he stays with me or I stay alone at the hotel. Both scenarios have their advantages.

I must admit that it is hard to be around his constant ambiguity. He has a lot of difficulty saying what he wants, at least to me. Of course, maybe he just doesn't know, and has to think about it for a while. He seems much warmer, friendlier and connected to me when we spend more time together. So since I have seen him very little during the past month, he feels farther away and more vague and ambiguous than ever, and I have to constantly self-talk to fight off neediness and hopeful fantasy scenarios, especially since I get very few straight answers from him. Funny thing, I am not sure when he stopped giving me straight answers, but it was definitely well before the "bomb". I just can't remember how long it may have been going on, before the A started or just when it started. Either way, it is hard not to think that everything about the way he is right now is because he is having the A. Unless MLC looks like this whether there is an A or not. I dunno. I don't believe there could be any progress towards our M until he ends the A, though. And if/when he ends the A, then we will have to decide together if we can rebuild, and what we've got to work with. I find all of this rather depressing. I am not sure how I will hold the space for my H for as long as it looks like it could take. But I guess I will know when I know, if I need to give up or move to the "After the Last Resort Technique" or Harley's Plan B. I guess I am feeling not so hopeful about my R with my H tonight. If I had to rely on my H for the juice to keep this M effort going, it would already be all over. I guess that's why we focus on GAL, so we have enough juice of our own to keep anything we want to keep going, going. Tomorrow, I have chiropractic appt and a deep tissue massage, and a lunch with old soccer-buddy friends. All nice for me. I will make sure to take a beach walk with the dog too before I go. I joined Weight Watchers at my work this week, even though I have lost almost everything there was to lose, but I thought I might cap off the last 8 pounds I want to lose, and become a lifetime member so I could finally do that (after 3 rounds of "almost there" in my past) and then I could maintain it for the rest of my life with community support for free. I am proud of my accomplishments so far and if my H never notices me again, well his loss. But because I still love him, I keep hoping that one day he will be able to "see" me.

I have one question , OT. You said:

To me, it would seem that helping out when you weren't invited and your offer was not warmly accepted is like that.

I have read a lot about the MLC behaviors and the "alien" thinking that occurs, and also the addictive nature of an A. To be invited and warmly accepted would be normal behavior for close friends and people I spend time with. But my H does not seem to be his normal self. Are you suggesting I should expect normal behavior from him, and not settle for anything else, even in the throes of MLC and an A? Because, if that's the case, I think we would be divorcing right now. I am thinking he will be different at some point, after the A and after the MLC. So, I just let his ambiguous and less than warm behaviors alone, try to ignore them, make every effort not to show a reaction. He is occasionally warm and inviting, it's just that he's as inconsistent as could be. Your thoughts on that?