how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi OT, I always really appreciate your direct and very useful feedback to others. I have read you on several other threads and get a lot out of what you share. Yet I find when I get a message from you on my thread, it feels like it doesn't relate to my situation. Sometimes I think I need to listen harder, but sometimes I think you have missed the specific situation I am in. OK if we dialogue a bit more?

I get how obnoxious the clinging co-worker is. Or the guy who sends flowers when the wife has said (in a really straight manner, I might add) "I don't care about you, I don't want anything to do with you, I'm shipping your stuff to you so I don't even have to see you." I can't imagine anything being more nauseating and/or creating an experience for someone to feel like they haven't been heard. So, do you see my situation like that? Because I don't see it that way. I asked my H to find another place to stay when he revealed about the A in January. He did not want to move out. He just wanted to carry on with the A to see where it would lead, because he thought perhaps he had found his soul mate (and if she was his soul mate, then I must not be). It was the ILYBINILY convo, the "bomb". H is in MLC and had a precipitating event. H has said that he does not want a divorce at present, but is "in an inquiry" about staying married to me. He had sex with OW on the first encounter, which occured at a European spa where everyone is naked. I don't intend to make light of his true feelings for her at present, but I don't think their R is the real issue, even though he might think so. OW is married and lives in a foreign country and will not be leaving her H & family. I am hopeful that his R with OW will expire and at some point and that he will turn fully in my direction again so we can begin to look at the possibility of a refreshed and alive M together. He has a lot ot lose, as I do, and I think he knows that but doesn't know what to do about it yet. Meanwhile, H still shares financial responsibility for our household, has a dedicated office in our home for his business (and comes and goes as needed with my consent - after reading DR - to create continuing opportunities for contact while allowing enough "space" for him and me). H has indicated he would like to remain business partners with me even if he can no longer "give me his heart." That is the exact arrangement his dad has with his mom, and his mom has settled for that for 30 + years. H characterizes mom staying with dad under those circumstances as mom being "committed to the marriage". Would I settle for that as a permanent lifestyle? - Absolutely not.

However, in DR I am told to be patient and loving - to let him see how cooperative I can be. I am not supposed to bring up OW or A - not to intiate R talk. I have done some 180's. I have listened alot more and talked a lot less. The DB coach I talked to (Chuck) said based on my H's typical style of withdrawal, and what has worked in the past from me with him, that I should continue to initiate periodic contact and "check-in's", to make periodic invitations to do things together, to include him in family activities, and to continue to be warm, loving, and patient. It seems like when I have contact with H, that this has been slowly (baby steps) working. H needs reassurance and appreciation, that is clear. He was hurt by me, and although he has not articulated all of the details of his feelings, I do know he feels his emotional needs were not met in the M, and he did not realize that before the A, and it is that which he is worried about. So isn't my task according to DB and DR to discover those needs and to begin to try to meet them with any and all possible time we can have together? Now, when he gets caught up in work, he almost completely dissappears on me. This was true before also, just harder now that he's not home to sleep. He has no other social life other than phone calls to OW - it is work, TV, sleep. While I was on my trip in Canada, we spoke many times by phone. He has begun to express anger/upsets and concerns about me with me, which is new behavior and good I think. He was warm, loving and more responsive than usual when I returned from my trip and saw him last Friday. However, he has initiated no contact with me since then, he is just working. My D who spoke with him while I was gone says he is "on the fence" about our marriage and what to do. Huge parts of our marriage he loves and appreciates. But has realized he "wasn't happy". Actually said to her that his "emotional needs" were not getting met. I believe he blames me for the fact that he was not happy. Seems to have no concept right now about the fact that a couple can work on a M or that I could change or be different or that I would like to try to meet his emotional needs or that I might be able to, or vice versa (and probably is afraid he can't meet my needs) - and certainly has no concept at present that he is responsible to generate his own happiness and I mine. I see this as a product of his MLC and the current A, both of which I expect will pass with time. He definitely had the concept of self-responsibility at one time - when we got married we were heavily involved in personal growth work together that supported the concepts of personal responsibility and integrity to the Nth degree. I understand time and patience are my best assets in this situation, as he may have an "awakening" since a lack of integrity and the resigned "can't do anything about it" and blaming are uncharacteristic of him as far as I have known. He is not a liar or a bad person -he couldn't keep the A secret any longer - it was killing him; yet OW has no intention of revealing to her H. I think he won't settle for that kind of back door arrangement for too long, his self esteem and integrity is already suffering and there is a lot of shame he is struggling with.

I am not "sending him flowers" when he can't stand to see or speak with me. I am trying to give him space and have detached a fair amount during the last 3 months (although detachment remains a work in progress for me ). But working on a shared project, one that we both have financial stakes in, that involves my D's well being as well? I see participation with that as me being cooperative and helpful, which are good DR traits, especially since that is not his current perception of who I am, or who I was in our M. Last time the reponse to my helpfulness on the house garnered many steps in my direction and a good connection between us. He has forgotten how helpful and cooperative I can be - shouldn't I make periodic efforts to remind him?

So what is it about my situation that has you see it differently? It seems your suggestions to me on my thread have been to pull back, to pull out, to withdraw myself, which instintively does not feel right in my sitch with my H. DB coach Chuck indicated it was not appropriate for my sitch either based on H's style of communication and way of managing stress/hurt. Or am I misreading your message? Was it intended for RB and not me?

Looking forward to your further thoughts.