how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

First day back to work today after the nice vacation and weekend. Work feels exceedingly uneventful these days. I remember when my job was a 65 hour a week endeavor that was a combination of stressful challenge and exhilaration. These days most everything feels more important than my activities there. Thankfully, I have worked there a very long time and can probably keep my focus elsewhere for a bit longer without significant ramifications. I just notice that I'm still distracted and uninterested in it as a priority.

I hadn't heard from H since our Friday dinner, so decided to check in with him today. This is always a tricky dilemma for me, as many of you DBing are careful not to call or initiate contact so as not to pursue. However, my H appears to thrive on reassurance and according to the DB coach Chuck in my case the occasional "checking in" call and even periodic invitations from me are warranted and helpful to my DBing efforts. The key is not too much, not too often, and no reaction to whatever I get, it seems. Right now, my H will fade away and disappear, "unloved" and alone in his own world but acting like he prefers it, before he would ever say outloud that he needs or wants anything from me. This has been the case for at least a year. I don't remember it always being that way, I remember in the past he was more directive, and expressed more opinions and things he wanted from me and feelings and desires he had. The last year when he wasn't saying or sharing about himself, I was not reading it very well, so I just started taking care of what I wanted, although I would get frustrated sometimes that he wouldn't say what he wanted. Asking never got me anywhere, and still isn't. It felt like all he was interested in was trying to second guess what he thought I wanted, stuffing his needs, trying to please me, and secretly resenting it all the way. Doesn't sound pretty does it? This may be the MLC thing. I think I must have appeared angry, self centered and spoiled in his eyes, as he kept working away without getting his needs met, and without being attentively acknowledged from me. I didn't know what to do, so I had begun to withdraw too, and busy myself with other things.

So H has been working day and night since last Tuesday on D's house which we own and are in the process of selling. We have had some trouble there with unpermitted additions made by previous owners that we are now stuck with correcting. The city has really come down hard because they discovered it and now we are selling - they don't want to start over with another owner, so have given us 10 days or a warrant for our arrest. Whoopee, I am such a law abiding citizen this feels like the worst trouble we've ever been in. I think I got a speeding ticket once. Well, I guess if we're gonna shake it up, we might as well do it in several areas of our lives at once. So H has been busting his butt down there, while I have been away on vacation and home potting plants. He is feeling sick now too, and of course he will retreat to his rented room tonight - offers of chicken soup and TLC not taken. I also offered to go down to D's house this weekend to help with the remainder of the needed work. And he says, "I can't see you doing that work. It will be dirty work, crawling around in the attic and stuff. I really can't see you doing that". He thought I might be good for packing a few boxes to help D prepare for her move, making a few arrangements, but that's all he could see. Well he's 6' 4" and I'm 5'5" so I could crawl around an attic a little easier, right? And I'm damn good at electrical, which he doesn't like to do. I seriously thought all day about not going though. Let him be the martyr rescuer victim, I'll stay home and paint my toenails, right? Geez, sometimes it would be so easy to be the spoiled b**** he seems to think I am.

So I'm thinking I will go. When I asked him if he wanted me to go with him this weekend, he said, "well you can come if you want to" twice. Typical. So I had to think hard about what I really want, in the event I get no reward from being with him. You know, like what has the better chance of making me feel better in the short and long term? Even decided to ask you guys. So here's what I'm thinking. In the 5 Love Languages, I am a Quality Time person. So time in the car, at D's house, doing whatever, will help fill my depleted Love Bank because I will get some time. I actually like my H as well as love him, and when we're together these days he is really very sweet to me. More each time. I also love providing service to others, so even if I don't get the acknowledgement from him, I will still know I did my part and that will feel good. Of course, he hasn't taken the Love Languages test, so I don't know for certain what love language he most needs. I think it is Words of Appreciation because of how much our R has improved since I started really making an effort to acknowledge all of the things he does. But he could be a Physical touch person, or an Acts of Service person (since he does these all the time for others). So these days, I am hitting all three of those as often as I can figure a way to do so considering our limited time together. I am thinking going down to the house and working hard with him is a 180 since he thinks I am only capable of managing the paperwork and making phone calls to get big guys like him to come over and do the real stuff. Last time I went down and worked on the house with him, it was one of our best weekends ever - I worked along side him, he shifted alot towards me that trip, we had quite a few baby steps and some nice snuggling besides. So what do you think? Am I on the right track, should I go?

Tonight I went to the movies by myself, saw On a Clear Day, a true story about a fellow who got fired from his job and swims the English Channel at age 59. That's what DBing is like. P.S. he made it :-)