how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Erin,

Thanks so much for stopping in and providing such great feedback and advice. I am so appreciative. This was awesome:

I'm going to give you advice that I am working on taking myself: Let it go. Don't try to second guess his every step. Note the improvements for sure in your goals journal, but then move on. Focus on yourself. You can't know if he will return, if he will be able to offer you enough if he does, or even if this is worth saving right now. I trust, though, that you will know when you get there.

That is exactly what I needed to hear yesterday, and has helped me be where I am at today. Got up early and went to church. It was so moving I cried (did that last week too in Calgary). But this was the first time other than Christmas and New years Eve that I have been back to my church, since before I got married. I went steadily for 16 years and then with my daughter grown up and H not interested, stopped going. It was really powerful for me to go and the message really called to me, and of course unbeknownst to me, a special occasion at the church today - the minister's birthday and a famous gospel singer there as a surprise. It was absolutely fabulous. Treated myself to Sunday lunch out after, then made some store returns which covered my lunch and some flowers for the garden. I've been potting all afternoon, and it is a georgeous sunny day here. I am in love with my home and my life today.

So here's the funny thing. It feels like the pendulum swings too far to the other side when it swings, inside of me. As I feel powerful and happy today (unlike yesterday when I was feeling lonely and weepy) I am pretty removed from caring about my H. I'm enjoying a day to myself, in the sunshine. I'm sick of all of his created drama and indecision. It's hard not to think he's an idiot for doing what he's been doing. He could LOSE ME, any minute, and he doesn't even get that it matters yet. Just venting here, but REALLY. I'm smart, cute, funny, a good cook, a great mom, we have a beautiful home (which will stay with me if we split) and I adore him, absolutely. He's living in a rented room, having a skanky inter-continental long-distance affair with a married OW who will not be leaving her husband and children, and who slips him in to her work trips for a quick weekend rendezvous. This is the first issue we've ever had since I have known my H, where I have risked losing respect for him. If I truly lose respect for him, I know I will fall out of love with him. It is a slippery slope. He told my D that he's on the fence about our M. Well, I'm thinking things through too. I'm looking for something. That same man that I married, the one with integrity and vision and aliveness, the one who cared about me and thought I was the most amazing human being he had ever met. The one who believed in me and thought we'd grow and grow and learn and grow together forever.

Fortunately, I read a lot of posts on the MLC board last night. Since I am quite sure that my H is in some kind of MLC, it was SO helpful to read those posts and see that he is doing a whole lot of the things they talk about and witness there. In a fog a lot of the time, withdrawal, unpredictably moody, and preceding the A and the lying and "uncharacteristic behavior", there was a precipitating event that scared the begeesus out of him (his son was going to immigrate from Germany to live with us and his son is currently the same age as H when he was sexually abused as a child) as well as financial pressure that I was pouring on pretty heavy at that time. So I read the MLC stuff, and then I think, poor guy, he's lost and in a MLC fog - be patient and he'll have an awakening. That's what I signed up for, to be his loving wife and to stick with him for better or for worse. This is the "for worse" as far as I am concerned. He couldn't have done anything that would have shaken me more. But I gave my word, and I do love him.

But isn't all that so arrogant too? He thinks his R with the OW is "real". It feels real to him. It looks like fantasy, smoke and mirrors, deception and lies to me. I think I'm the "real thing", a real life human being, problems to solve, warts and all. I like his imperfections too - funny how you can find that out when they're not around. While I was gone he stayed here - put the TP on the roll "upside down" and folded the towels differently. I can't believe it used to bug me, when you miss someone those things take on such a different tone. But also, I thought to myself, he comes back and I have to make peace with that stuff forever. It's never going to matter to him, and I doubt he will make those changes since it hasn't mattered to him yet. And I could go on and on in my head, so you are SO RIGHT. Saw the wood that's in front of you, don't look at the pile or you'll never get through it. Today I planted flowers, and that was good. But I wonder all the time about my capacity to do this. Sometimes I feel like I will never be able to get it right, and I struggle with the thought of failing at the one thing I most wanted in my life, and waited so long for - my marriage to my H. But I know, it takes two (or at least at some point it will). This was a really great message from you, too:

She told her on her wedding night that people think healthy marriages are 50/50, but really they are more like 90/10. Now, don't worry. The 90 is supposed to change up - sometimes you carry the load, sometimes your partner does. We are well matched with people who are not necesarily exactly like us, which means we each are responsible for different things - even emotionally. This isn't a bad thing. Now, all us DBers here are carrying more tlike 99.9% right now, and will for a while, but this is a the worser, the poorer and the sickness we all talked about in our vows. Time to pony up.

I know I did my share to get us to this crisis point, and right now, if my M is really as important as I say it is, I need to get off the high horse, be humble as it takes, and just do the work. The pendulum which swings between arrogant know-it-all and needy potential doormat leaves detachment and unconditional love smack on the balance point - right? Hopefully I will find that balance easier and easier each day.

Truthfully, if my H dropped in tonight (he won't, he's still at my D's) but if he did even tonight with all of my perceived aloofness about him present throughout the day, I know I'd still be really happy as soon as I saw him. He rocks my world. Hardest thing for me is to be a little more aloof when he's around. He's always made me light up. But I guess that's not a bad thing, as long as I am not "overly enthusiastic" about every little word and gesture and step. He does seem to be soaking up the words of appreciation though. My H is tricky, because he runs (which I can't pursue!) but he blooms for appreciation and acknowledgement. Most of my DBing has involved a lot more of that. Likely the demanding arrogant know-it-all was the most visible part of me once he withdrew and before I got to DBing. Bummer, to learn this lesson the hardest way. I regret every unkind word, every angry tone, I ever uttered. I could have done much better. I was asleep at the wheel, I am sure of that now. I am so awake now. I will hope and pray that one day, there will be an opening for him to see me clearly and what I am up to. We could grow and learn and grow together again. I know it. Meanwhile I will DB and plant and water the flowers.

One of the things I also read on the MLC board, is to think about what are the impressions of other people in your life about your marriage? Because if your friends and family thought you were great together, then this is likely MLC rearing it's ugly head, and you have a good chance to preserve your marriage if you are patient and DB. If on the other hand, if people wondered why you were ever together, you might not make it through to the other side. Well, everyone in our life thinks we had an amazing R, and until the last year we did. Some people who know us still refer to us as "love birds" if they are not aware of our current situation. So that helps me be patient too. There is nothing that would make me happier than to see him on the other side of MLC, with an "awakening" and the two of us more in love than ever. How to get from here to there remains an inquiry But one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one log to saw at a time, as you say.

This is my favorite thing you wrote:

In the meantime, remember that it doesn't matter if H is warm toward you because of guilt or love or anything else. Just know that you will KNOW when he is sure he wants you. Until then, just keep taking care of yourself and remember your goal: to keep a safe space for your marriage. Indeed, it is a sacred place, even in the midst of all this.

I will keep that in my heart. Thank you so much for giving me such wonderful words of encouragement.