how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello GH, RB and all,

I am now back home, after a wonderful time away which rejuvenated me, body and soul. Along with great days and evenings with my friends and relations, the visit to the Sho Tai practioner was really helpful, and she did give me a different supplement for my H (without me telling her what was up with us!) based on her reading of him through me. They are an herbal supplement called "Masculine" which is supposed to assist in leveling out hormonal imbalance and depression for men. So you said:

Good luck with the MLC supplements, LOL. Somebody could make a lot of money marketing those.

Since she recommended a three month regime of those for him (replacing another supplement temporarily), I will let you know in three months if we should invest in stock.

On a more developmental note, I have 3 interesting events/occurrences to report from my trip and return yesterday, with some brewing emotions about those which I could use some help in sorting out, so I can proceed with confidence. I'd appreciate your input. I know sometimes I write a lot (probably because I wait too long between postings!). Hopefully you will find some gold for yourself as a reader too.

First vignette: While I was away, my H got angry with me and called me on the phone. As scary as it feels when he gets angry with me, I also feel this is good progress for our R since one of our major problems from our marriage is that he did not tell me what he wanted or needed, or what did or did not work for him. Apparently, his brother (who lives in Canada) called him several times, wanting to know what the h*** was going on with us (and with my H), and then this was followed up by a worried call to my H from his mother in Germany who had become concerned after talking to my SIL. H was pissed and wanted to know what I had been saying to them, now everyone was trying to get their noses in it, etc. etc., and he said this was between him and me, and he didn't want all of this. Well, fortunately, this was in the morning prior to me visiting his B and SIL and my nieces, so I had said almost nothing to them about us. I explained to him that I had spoken to my SIL on Easter and had only said that I missed my H, and when she asked if I had spoken with him that day, I said no, that he was planning to work all day, and that he hasn't really been talking to me much. [I know I seemed sad on that call.] I apologized for the fact that I might have generated alarm, as I told him that perhaps saying that was enough to create worry for them, since I was his wife. That seemed to reassure him, he said, "Well I guess maybe we should talk more, when you get back let's do that" and I said "I would really like that, that would be great." This call from him was lucky timing for me I feel, as it made it crystal clear for me that involving his family with any details will not help our situation, and that his privacy in sorting his A and our R out is paramount to him. I spent the night at his brother and SIL's house, and was greeted warmly by all. We had a blast - dinner, sunset bike-riding, cruising around in their new car, late night dessert out, visiting their new business. SIL wanted to talk in the evening after nieces were in bed, and mostly she talked. She told me that when there are difficulties in a M, that there is not much that others can do. [So true!] She told me that they have been married 15 years, and that it is not always easy, and that she feels much of the work of the marriage is up to her - that the wife must take on more than her share to maintain the marriage. Then, she then told me about her three brothers who are divorced. One was a "bad" marriage that ended in less than 1 year (W left), but the other 2 were married for 15 to 20 years and in both cases their wives were WAS. She went into great detail about the sadness and tragedy of this for the children, and for her brothers. She had me close to tears, as these stories were each heartbreaking to me in their own way. Although I would have felt short term relief by defending myself against the subtle implication that I might be like these former wives, I restrained myself. At the very end of her talk with me, I only said, "I want you to know that I am doing everything I know how to do, to support the continuation of our marriage. I am committed to H, and what I am hoping and praying for is that H will come home." BIL came in at that moment, so that was the end of that conversation. Upon departure, she only said to take care of myself and she wished me good luck with everything at home. I asked her to think good thoughts and pray for us. It was a very warm reception from all of them, which was comforting for me, as I was quite afraid before my visit that it might be a "goodbye visit" of sorts - that I would be crowned the outsider on this visit. I had the distinct impression that they are supportive of our marriage continuing and based on the conversation and the small bits of information they now have, they will not interfere. They still have no knowledge of the A.

Second vignette: I arrived home late afternoon yesterday. H had not been sure all week if he could pick me up at the airport. He spent a good part of the week at my D's house 3 hours away, as we have some modifications that were made before we bought the house but we are stuck with correcting, which need to be completed for the city planner's office before the sale of that house is complete. H decided to drive up to meet me at the airport and have dinner with me, even though he was going to return early this morning to D's house to continue the work (3 hrs each way). He had excuses that he could drop off the dog with me, pick up clothes and supplies, etc., but I feel this was a significantly generous gesture on his part to come to get me when I could have taken a taxi and he could have returned on Sunday. He greeted me with a warm kiss at the airport, and at dinner he told me he was "glad I was home". I updated him on my trip, listened to his stories of the week, and there was hand holding and hugging throughout the evening. He remarked that he had planned to get flowers for me, but ran out of time. H seemed embarrassed when I told him that his thought to do that was as touching to me as if he had gotten them; so H claimed his mother told him he should get flowers - then recanted and said that wasn't true, that he had thought of it himself and had wanted to get them for me but just didn't get to it in time. Although he wasn't spending the night again due to his early planned departure (back to his rented room to gather clean clothes, and supplies from his shop; both room and shop are 1/2 hour closer to D's house than me) he gave me a very prolonged hug when he left, and for the first time in 8 months I felt sexual body energy between us which was really quite pleasant and lingering and generated some electricity/heat. He then stepped away and said, "Call me. Or I'll call you!". I said "both those things" and smiled flirtatiously and he lingered for another moment before exiting. It felt a lot like we are dating again.

Third vignette: I had a phone conversation with D this morning (before H's arrival at her house). D says she had a "talk" with H while I was away. She had been planning to do this, as she has been uncomfortable about his "dual life" and has had mostly superficial conversations with him since the A was revealed, so has been struggling with the superficiality. The upshot of what I got from her story: D says H is still on the fence - deciding what to do about our M - has not decided yet. He had a "good visit" in Germany with the OW. However, H is clear that OW will not be leaving her H and family. H was surprised to discover that his "emotional needs" were not being met in our M, was not aware of that until he met OW and began A without planning and found out his emotional needs were being met there. So this has thrown him. H thinks I will always be the way I am, has no awareness that I have changed or can change. D told H that he will not be able to live "dual life" forever and at some point will have to choose, and he agreed. D told him that discussions of plans for our future (buying new house to remodel etc.) don't make sense if he's not committed to future of M. D also told him that OW is not planning to leave her H amd family, but that we want him in our family. And she capped it off by saying she loves him.

OK, here's my reactions to the past week, and these stories. I had a great week away. I came back refreshed and alive, and saw a glimpse of my life without H which is not so bad, even though I miss him, it gets better each day. The more time I spend without H, the easier it is to picture a life that works without him in it. It is emotionally calmer and easier without him around right now for sure, as there are so many ups and downs and the OW is still a factor which really doesn't work for me. If our M ended, I would experience financial losses and hardships (his business and income are getting better and better all the time), and I would not have the unbelievable craftsman skills that have improved our home and brought tremendous joy to me, and made the idea of remodeling houses for income a really exciting possibility for us to share. So, for financial reasons and our future, I really would much rather have my H in my life than not - it is a mutually beneficial arrrangement that neither of us can manage as well on our own. I feel I would know a lot more about the possibilities for us emotionally if OW was not in the picture. I have realized through reading and deep personal introspection that neither of us were getting our emotional needs fully met in the last year or so of our M prior to the A and that's what let the A in. I would only be interested in continuing our M if we do the deep work necessary so that both of us have our emotional needs as well as financial needs met for the long term. In addition, H is not committed to M right now, and I have no indication yet that he is planning to end the A, despite the fact that it appears to have no future. I believe as he stated to D, that he is on the fence. This is an improvement from when he was planning to be a WAS at time of the bomb. It has been 3 1/2 months since the bomb (A revealed and ILYBINILY convo). I have a great life, and each day that I make plans without him, it is harder to picture how we could come back together and have it work. The circumstances of our M (how we live, how we communicate, how we spend our time, how we set our priorities) would have to change so dramatically for our life together to actually thrive and be healthy. Of course, right now, every time I am with him, it is a lot of work to stay positive and DB each time. I do my best to get my emotional needs met elsewhere and in other ways, but I am concerned I will "run out of gas" since there are only little bits from him to work with. It is tiring, draining, to be so thoughtful of every action I make, every thing I say, and to be so analytical of everything that is transpiring so that I can figure out what to do or say at that next short encounter. We have so little time together, and my life is moving. He is still giving the emotional attention that I want to another. I have concerns that I could come through for him emotionally (I would do everything in my power to achieve that) if we recommitted, but I'm not sure that he will come through for me even if he drops the OW. I am not sure that he will make the effort. I am not sure about my SIL's statement, that it is up to me to do more than my share. I know that is what I have signed up for right now as a DBer, but I would need reassurance that he was interested and committed to meeting my emotional needs, not just coming back because I love him and have stayed committed, when the A with OW dies or ends. Would I even be able to tell if he had it in him, as long as he is still in the throes of the A? Also, the fact that he is talking to D but has not managed to say any of these things about his feelings to me is still a worry. Perhaps he is practicing on her (she is a lot like me) but it is triangulating, not straight. I'd sure like him to tell me. But our R has been superficial for months - right? Part of DBing is not to get too heavy, not to bring up OW, to just be happy and fun to be around. How are we ever to get an acurate read on our R when we have no idea how the other person is really feeling? Or is that just old thinking - do we really already know everything we need to know without ever talking about it? That's confusing.

So, here it is: I am wanting to have a R talk. I wanted to say at least, that I have a request - that if he has a complaint about me that he bring it to me, not others (such as OW or D). On the phone, H said he wanted this to be handled "between us", so I'd like him to create that instead of just expect it from me. Is that OK? I want him to share his feelings about me directly with me. Even his anger, his disappointment, his resignation. He has never told me anything about what he has discovered about his emotional needs and what was not being met in our R. I'd like to hear that. Should I wait until he brings it up and continue to be patient? I am also frustrated that he can not see any changes in me, but of course how could he see much when we see each other so little. Damn it though, I have been working so hard! Is this just a case where I need to be patient longer? Is there anything else I should be doing right now to move things along? It seems like we have been making progress, if baby steps are what to look for. Chuck, the DB coach said I was doing fine. God, it's so slow!!! Is it appropriate to see the signs I have been seeing (treating me to dinner, the kisses, hugs and sexual energy, spending the night once, the I missed you/glad you're back statements, the idea of flowers, etc.) as positive steps in my direction, or is it just appeasements (because he thinks that's what I would want) or is it so he has proof that I'm not as stimulating or fulfilling as OW? Do any of you see continuing hope for us here? I need to know if I am being a hopeful fool or if objective DB people out there can see reasons for me to continue to be hopeful. In these stories, is there DB progress from your vantage point? Because I know most people in the "real" world would be telling me to give it up already.