Quote: I look forward to a time when I will be truly unaffected by anything negative my H says or does. How tricky that is. Lovingly detach, and yet still remain open to the possibility of a healthy vital marriage together. How are you all doing with that?
I am doing ok with it mainly because I don't think of it in any way opposite of a healthy vital marriage, but rather a component of such. Detachment, in the way we should look at it is much more about self-confidence, relinquishing control of our spouses and believing in our ability to control ourselves, especially our reactions to the world around us. For me, this was a BIG set of changes because I used to try to control everything, I lacked confidence and I thought things "happened to me" so I had to react a certain way, mainly as a victim. When I realized that whatever "happened to me" that was a result of a reaction I had to my W or anything else, was of my own doing, I was able to better control my reactions. Sure, I still had reactions but I was able to better control the actions that came as a result of them. I didn't give in to those urges to DO things because of what she said or did.
I also recognized my terrible habit of matching her mood because I thought if I was happy when she was not, that she'd get jealous and angry. Wow, how wrong I was.
All in all, I would say I have done ok. Sure, I have slipped up now and then but "detachment" has been pretty good for me.
