how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

It is Easter Monday, and I have experienced a mix of emotions the last two days. I am a holiday "junkie" and usually make a big deal out of them, and relish creating special occasions with my family and friends. Although I am here with my wonderful friends and godson, I miss my H terribly. Since these are the friends that introduced us, and also were our best man and matron of honor and ring bearer for our wedding, there are many memories of my H in the space of being with them. However, I think what sent me into some grief was the phone call with my H on Saturday night. I had not "planned" to call him from up here, but as I received a call from our tenants about a check they left which he needed to pick up (since he is home instead of me) and also a request from my daughter for him to convey, I planned what I thought would be a "good" time to call in hopes I would have a quality conversation with him. No such luck. He was watching a movie on TV, seemed to resent the interruption of the phone, said he could talk for a minute because the ad was on, and was barely present on the call. I get that he is back from his visit with the OW, and now I am gone too, and probably he is feeling his aloneness there in our home. Typical for him these days, he is avoiding and tuning out - so TV, sleep and work is his repetoire and focus of living. He was planning to work the whole day Easter Sunday, no plans to do anything to celebrate or honor the holiday. These things make me very sad, although I suppose he will need to figure out how to generate his life without me (or at least feel what that's like) if we are to have a chance at any point in building our marriage to a healthy place. But it is hard to watch for me, and sad. I miss the joyful, fun man I married. Anyway, he was aloof and emotionally unavailable which of course I should have expected after the last two encounters being so hopeful and warm, and yet I still get dissapointed. I tell you this patience thing will be taking me to new heights of understanding. Anyway, I communicated what I needed to say, and also let him know that it was OK with me (and in fact I would like it) if he wanted to call me while I was up here. However, I am not holding my breath for that - he was as unavailable as could be. I of course like it a lot better when it feels like or says that he misses me. I suspect if he does call while I am up here, he might call on the day I will be visiting his brother and sister-in-law and neices, and perhaps speak with them while I am there so he could make our time short and surface. We shall see, that is tomorrow.

In the midst of the sadness and grieving the loss of this holiday without him, while remembering so many good holidays together, I did good things for myself too and enjoyed these precious people nonetheless. We had an Easter hunt, where my godson and his dad hid the eggs and chocolates for his mom and me - that was fun. And then they graciously took me to a conregation of my church here in Calgary. That was a blessing. I have not been attending church regularly since I got married, but I attended for 18 years regularly while I was raising my daughter, and was quite involved, including teaching the teen program for several years. The minister's message yesterday was all about the crucifiction and ressurrection as stages of transformation, and when faced with difficulty, to be patient, and to trust the divine and to have faith. It gave me the hope I needed to get through my day. I decided I will be returning to church more often when I get home. In the afternoon, we went to my friends' brother's home with the other brother and mom also present. They all know my H and I well, and I was a surprise guest. They know nothing about our current situation, but I was able to share truthfully with them about his work and our home and daughters etc. without revealing the current separation and R challenges. Although this was emotionally challenging for me and I cried some privately with my friends upon returning home, it also felt good to honor the space of our marriage by keeping our situation private with people who might catastrophize or make my H wrong. I can see that there are times when it is best to protect the relationship rather than explain the details. This is also new learning for me, as I am the kind of person who usually shares everything pretty openly with most everyone. My H on the other hand is very private. I get that part of my work at this time is honoring and being understanding of his emotional needs, including the need for privacy and space (even if it is not my usual way).

Before I left for this trip, I read the Five Love Languages, and I brought the book up here to share with my friends. They have been married for 12 years, and have what I consider to be a very healthy marriage. They are finding the book really helpful and insightful as well. I am so fortunate to have friends who are so open and we have stayed up sharing "his and her" prespectives on this book along with some anecdotes of times when the miscommunications or unmet needs came up in our relationships. I am learning from them, and getting present to my own unmet needs in my marriage, which is helpful.

We also did some cyclical analysis based on a philosophy we have all studied together, and it gave me some reassurance regarding my H's affair and his timing and my timing related to our future. I am now expecting to have some great clarity regarding what actions I want to take in July, and am prepared for some significant emotional challenges (which I must not allow to rule my actions or decisions) in June. It is likely that in May my H will be tested heavily and will be challenged, and I am now prepared for that also and will not let that disturb my resolve and forward progress. We went in to much greater depth in our analysis and predictions than I will share here, but this conversation was comforting for me in many ways. Of particular comfort was an awareness that my H began his A with the OW at a very inauspicious time, ie. according to this philosophy, their affair is "doomed" to failure. Whether any of you believe in this kind of thing or not, just know that it made me feel a lot better to have confirmation from this source as well as my other sources, that I am on the right track and that things will resolve well for me if I am patient and remain positive, and focus on my own path and what is before me to do.

Tomorrow the visit to H's family follows a day trip in the car, and a visit to a Sho Tai (health) practioner I have not been able to see in 4 years. We do not have anyone like her where I live, and the herbs and dietary work I have done with her have caused great improvements in my health and well being. So I am very excited to be caring for myself through seeing her, and am looking forward to acknowledgement of progress in my health and well being which I believe she will see despite the current emotional challenges. Again, I wish my H was seeing her with me as we have done in the past, but he has asked me to bring back supplements for him which I will do. I wonder if she has any supplements for MLC fog lifting? LOL

I look forward to a time when I will be truly unaffected by anything negative my H says or does. How tricky that is. Lovingly detach, and yet still remain open to the possibility of a healthy vital marriage together. How are you all doing with that?