how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well I am up in Canada right now visiting friends, and getting a much needed getaway. I am staying with my best friend (who introduced me to my H) and her wonderful husband and my godson (who is thrilled that I am here). I am being nurtured and supported in every way. They are also 100% supportive of my DBing efforts, and are really good at making me happy to be alive. They love my H, and love me, and are confident that everything will be alright. It is so good to have friends like these.

So here's my unanticipated update:

I spoke with my H on Wednesday morning which was the day he got back from his trip to see the OW and was also the day before I was leaving to come up here. He seemed happy to hear from me, and we agreed to meet for lunch and get the papers signed at the notary. I had decided to treat him the way I would if I thought he would be delighted to see me, and had missed me after a long trip away. (This was the longest time in our relationship that we have even spent without talking on the phone). Well it worked. He was initially hesitant, I think. He was to meet me at my office, and called twice from the parking lot so he wouldn't have to come up and see my staff I expect. However, I had prepped everyone that he might be coming, didn't answer the phone, and when he came up was greeted warmly by everyone. I think he was surprised as he has not crossed that threshold since the A was revealed. We got the papers signed quickly and headed off for lunch. I was warm when I saw him, and greeted him with a hug, and it seems that was all that was needed. He was warm, calling me darling and sweetheart through out. Offered to take me to the airport the next morning, and because he was concerned about commuter traffic at that hour, I offered that he could spend the night with me, and HE ACCEPTED! This was a baby step on my DB list, but totally unexpected. We had a great remainder of the lunch (although I admit I was in secret shock!) I decided to stay very calm (I usually get a little agitated and fussy before I leave on a trip - worried I can't get "it" all done). I took a walk with a friend and the dog on the beach after work. I decided to pack, so that would be out of the way before he arrived. It was like being in the zone. Everything was handled before he arrived, I took a shower and was very relaxed by the time he arrived. I only had the bill paying left to do, which always works me up (it's some weird fear thing I have re: the finances). I decided to do them in the morning before I left, or to take them with me, but NOT to do them before bed. We went to bed together around 10. Granted he was heavily clothed and this was not about sex. But it was about connecting, and we did. It was a very lovely evening, he was very affectionate all night long. In the morning we told silly stories, sang TV jingles and laughed before getting up. I just can't begin to tell you how nice it was to have my H present with me for this little encounter. In addition, he took all of the responsibilities that I had been worried about. He just took it all on. Speaking to my daughter who had been upset and crying that day (he is going to her house this week to help her out), taking care of picking up the supplies I wasn't able to get to, all of it. Now I know that some of this may be a reaction to having been away with the OW, but it honestly didn't seem to be a guilt reaction. He just wanted to participate. The other exciting baby step (also on my list) was that he said he missed me. That was good. I am telling all of you these baby steps because they have been long standing wants of mine, and I feel they are important to honor.

I know he is still seeing the OW and nothing has changed for him about that. Nonetheless, I can see that my steps are making a difference. I am making it less likely that he will want to leave our marriage with each day of DBing. That is good.

Here's what I see as my next piece of work. At the airport, having breakfast, I said to him "Don't worry, everything will be OK". (very typical of me). He said, "I'm not sure". And typical of me, I reassured again. Now, between you and me and the universe, I know everything really will be OK, no matter what. BUT, my H needs to hear something else from me. He needs to hear that I understand his worries and concerns, and that sometimes I am worried too. I have not been granting him this space. This is really important, and I only got it yesterday at this level. I need to acknowledge where he is at, and I need to be understanding, not trying to fix him and sugar coat it. This is hard work for me. I am a PMA tyrant with my family. My H once told me that it wasn't that I wasn't right, it was just that I was 3 steps ahead of the rest of them. I need to let them take the steps at their pace, so that they will see "everything will be OK" when they see it, not on my schedule. So I just noticed that I did it again, and I want to stop. I am a good listener with many of the people in my life, but I realize that with my family, I want them to be where I am at or to be happy, always!) and it's just plain unfair.

OK, last bit. I called my H from here, just to let him know I arrived safely (modeling the behavior I want for our marriage...). He was really happy that I called, and I am really happy he is sleeping in our bed in our home right now. This is all good news.

I'm not sure how much I will be able to post between now and when I get back on the 22nd. But I will try to check in at least a few times, as I really realize how much I need this board to keep me on track. I miss all of you I am grateful.