how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello everyone,

I thought I would check in, and give everyone an update. My H will be returning from Germany tomorrow, and I strategically set up a coaching call with DB coach Chuck this morning. I felt I needed to know from one of the "experts" how I was doing regarding my DBing, and to make sure that I was seeing everything clearly and that I am on the DB path. I also had a little anxiety about my H's return, as it will be the first time I will be seeing him after he has visited the OW with my knowledge. I spent a fair amount of time preparing for the call (up until 2 am) and typed 4 pages of notes and questions so that I would make sure to hit on the important history, and DBing steps I have taken, so the coach could take me from here.

The coaching call went VERY well. I must say that I am quite reassured about my progress and that I am "working my program" so to speak. Here are some take-aways that might be of interest and/or helpful to all of you, as well as to me - it is helpful to recapture the conversation by writing it down!

What's in the WAS head (core beliefs he is counting on):
"I know her." "There's no mystery" and "She'll never change."

So I was given a lot of credit for immediately stepping into shaking up his core belief around my anger, and that I would be angry with him. By being understanding, compassionate, loving, kind and respectful towards him in the face of his A was a great remedy to dispell his belief that I would argue or be quick to anger. So, good job there!

He also acknowledged me for doing the deep work that I have done around my anger over the past 3 months, and asking my other family members what they thought about it. It was painful but so important to find out that the way I did anger wasn't working for any of my loved ones. This is a permanent change that I have taken on, that resonates to the core of my being. [FYI, it has been interesting to note that no one outside of my family had any idea that I ever yelled or lost my temper. I am really well managed in the real world. I apparently saved it up only for the people I love the most. Painful new awareness of how I was managing my stress/frustrations while the loved ones in my life just had to "deal" with it.]

Also, related to my H's expectation that I am strong, so therefore I will listen to my H, handle anything he has done, that I will "make it" no matter what (because I always do) Chuck recommended that I let my H see more of my vulnerability - to be more vulnerable, and not always so strong.

I asked about what to do about my H wanting to talk about the OW. Because I haven't exactly been receptive or enthusiastic on the topic. And I never bring her up. He does though. He suggested, as much as possible, just that I be a good listener if he brings it up. To think of him as a cousin or a co-worker at those times (first he said brother, but our family is known for being direct and straight forward and to the point about what works and doesn't work for us - and H is not quite there right now!) so just listen to themes, be supportive, and don't ask questions. What I am to remember, is that even though it seems like he is talking about the OW, he is really giving me information about himself, and that is what I am listening for.

Since what my H loved about me when we met, was that I was straight forward and that I said what I thought, and since he valued my honesty and lack of "game-playing" that I needed to be as authentically who I am as possible. He said "act as if" and "180's" are only short term remedies, not a way to be. The goal is to be more authentically who we are. So I am to ask myself, what is my most genuine response to what is presented here? In other words, when he comes home, it is perfectly great to say that I missed him and that I am glad he is back. This is not pursuing, this is just what's present.

Chuck reiterated that the honest, loving approach is the way to go, particularly in my situation where my H was/is feeling unloved and unlovable, unworthy, ashamed of his behavior and suffering from feeling unappreciated by me before.

I got heavily reinforced that I am highly functioning and I do not need to put any more energy right now in GAL behaviors. It is clear that I have an amazing amount happening in my life and that is not an area that needs more attention. In fact, Chuck suggested that because I live life at a high level, sometimes it feels like the expectations I have of myself are also the expectations I have of others. Chuck recommended that I spend as much time with H as possible taking time to "smell the roses", slow down and take it easy with him. He said my dinner invitations, plays, etc. are all just fine. I do not need to stop those.

One of the most interesting things I got, was the suggestion to "compliment and run". Giving my H "over the shoulder" compliments as I am heading out the door, rather than an intense looking him in the eyes compliment, will help them land and sink in right now as he is in this slightly distant or lost mode. So if there's an opportunity to provide a compliment or acknowledgement, at the last minute or on the way out the door, those will resonate and stay with him the best.

So, no "act as if's" unless they are really genuine, NO GAMES.

He's attracted to my strength, but afraid of my anger. So this balance must be managed carefully.

[OW is needy and he is rescuing her from her miserable life and family. I suspect that will grow old at some point.]

He also needs to know he has an impact on my life, that I need him, that he matters. [How do I show need without pressuring?, I ask] Start slow!

Be prepared. Think about the possibilities and how I will be in the face of them. If he expects angry, be gentle, sad.

It was a very encouraging call. I definitely feel reassured that my instincts have been correct, that drawing lines in the sand, with him on the other side, is NOT the way to go. No changing bank accounts, or keys and locks. "Fear is a great motivator, but a lousy guide." Trust, be open, honest, kind. Expect the outcome I want.

I am of course curious to see if there will be any change in my H now that he will be coming back for the first time, with my knowing where he has been. Chuck suggested that it may take some of the mystique away for him. However, I also need to be prepared that he could go the other way after this trip - perhaps declare he wants a divorce after all, or that he is moving to Germany, or wants nothing more to do with me, etc. At this point, however, that seems unlikely according to Chuck and to my take on the situation also. However, if that comes up, I am prepared not to react negatively. But I am envisioning that he will be as happy to see me as I will be to see him. I know how to relax and smell the roses with my H. And let me tell you, I wish we had done that more, a lot earlier, instead of pushing our lives and marriage so hard. And when he needs the water of appreciation, I've got a tank full of his character qualities that I respect (that don't relate to the marriage) that I can acknowledge him for (this is part of my homework).

So basically, I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK. Good. good.

I have also had a busy week and have had lots of fun and also I have been really productive, and even though there is always more to do, I have made sure to take good care of myself and to keep the balance. Of course I am hopeful that my H didn't has as much fun with the OW as he thought he would, but even if he had a great time, I've got stories too.

I'm sure I will have more to report after I see him on Wednesday. Meanwhile, take care all of you, and thanks for being here with me.