I thought I would check in, and give everyone an update. My H will be returning from Germany tomorrow, and I strategically set up a coaching call with DB coach Chuck this morning. I felt I needed to know from one of the "experts" how I was doing regarding my DBing, and to make sure that I was seeing everything clearly and that I am on the DB path. I also had a little anxiety about my H's return, as it will be the first time I will be seeing him after he has visited the OW with my knowledge. I spent a fair amount of time preparing for the call (up until 2 am) and typed 4 pages of notes and questions so that I would make sure to hit on the important history, and DBing steps I have taken, so the coach could take me from here.
The coaching call went VERY well. I must say that I am quite reassured about my progress and that I am "working my program" so to speak. Here are some take-aways that might be of interest and/or helpful to all of you, as well as to me - it is helpful to recapture the conversation by writing it down!
What's in the WAS head (core beliefs he is counting on): "I know her." "There's no mystery" and "She'll never change."
So I was given a lot of credit for immediately stepping into shaking up his core belief around my anger, and that I would be angry with him. By being understanding, compassionate, loving, kind and respectful towards him in the face of his A was a great remedy to dispell his belief that I would argue or be quick to anger. So, good job there!
He also acknowledged me for doing the deep work that I have done around my anger over the past 3 months, and asking my other family members what they thought about it. It was painful but so important to find out that the way I did anger wasn't working for any of my loved ones. This is a permanent change that I have taken on, that resonates to the core of my being. [FYI, it has been interesting to note that no one outside of my family had any idea that I ever yelled or lost my temper. I am really well managed in the real world. I apparently saved it up only for the people I love the most. Painful new awareness of how I was managing my stress/frustrations while the loved ones in my life just had to "deal" with it.]
Also, related to my H's expectation that I am strong, so therefore I will listen to my H, handle anything he has done, that I will "make it" no matter what (because I always do) Chuck recommended that I let my H see more of my vulnerability - to be more vulnerable, and not always so strong.
I asked about what to do about my H wanting to talk about the OW. Because I haven't exactly been receptive or enthusiastic on the topic. And I never bring her up. He does though. He suggested, as much as possible, just that I be a good listener if he brings it up. To think of him as a cousin or a co-worker at those times (first he said brother, but our family is known for being direct and straight forward and to the point about what works and doesn't work for us - and H is not quite there right now!) so just listen to themes, be supportive, and don't ask questions. What I am to remember, is that even though it seems like he is talking about the OW, he is really giving me information about himself, and that is what I am listening for.
Since what my H loved about me when we met, was that I was straight forward and that I said what I thought, and since he valued my honesty and lack of "game-playing" that I needed to be as authentically who I am as possible. He said "act as if" and "180's" are only short term remedies, not a way to be. The goal is to be more authentically who we are. So I am to ask myself, what is my most genuine response to what is presented here? In other words, when he comes home, it is perfectly great to say that I missed him and that I am glad he is back. This is not pursuing, this is just what's present.
Chuck reiterated that the honest, loving approach is the way to go, particularly in my situation where my H was/is feeling unloved and unlovable, unworthy, ashamed of his behavior and suffering from feeling unappreciated by me before.
I got heavily reinforced that I am highly functioning and I do not need to put any more energy right now in GAL behaviors. It is clear that I have an amazing amount happening in my life and that is not an area that needs more attention. In fact, Chuck suggested that because I live life at a high level, sometimes it feels like the expectations I have of myself are also the expectations I have of others. Chuck recommended that I spend as much time with H as possible taking time to "smell the roses", slow down and take it easy with him. He said my dinner invitations, plays, etc. are all just fine. I do not need to stop those.
One of the most interesting things I got, was the suggestion to "compliment and run". Giving my H "over the shoulder" compliments as I am heading out the door, rather than an intense looking him in the eyes compliment, will help them land and sink in right now as he is in this slightly distant or lost mode. So if there's an opportunity to provide a compliment or acknowledgement, at the last minute or on the way out the door, those will resonate and stay with him the best.
So, no "act as if's" unless they are really genuine, NO GAMES.
He's attracted to my strength, but afraid of my anger. So this balance must be managed carefully.
[OW is needy and he is rescuing her from her miserable life and family. I suspect that will grow old at some point.]
He also needs to know he has an impact on my life, that I need him, that he matters. [How do I show need without pressuring?, I ask] Start slow!
Be prepared. Think about the possibilities and how I will be in the face of them. If he expects angry, be gentle, sad.
It was a very encouraging call. I definitely feel reassured that my instincts have been correct, that drawing lines in the sand, with him on the other side, is NOT the way to go. No changing bank accounts, or keys and locks. "Fear is a great motivator, but a lousy guide." Trust, be open, honest, kind. Expect the outcome I want.
I am of course curious to see if there will be any change in my H now that he will be coming back for the first time, with my knowing where he has been. Chuck suggested that it may take some of the mystique away for him. However, I also need to be prepared that he could go the other way after this trip - perhaps declare he wants a divorce after all, or that he is moving to Germany, or wants nothing more to do with me, etc. At this point, however, that seems unlikely according to Chuck and to my take on the situation also. However, if that comes up, I am prepared not to react negatively. But I am envisioning that he will be as happy to see me as I will be to see him. I know how to relax and smell the roses with my H. And let me tell you, I wish we had done that more, a lot earlier, instead of pushing our lives and marriage so hard. And when he needs the water of appreciation, I've got a tank full of his character qualities that I respect (that don't relate to the marriage) that I can acknowledge him for (this is part of my homework).
So basically, I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK. Good. good.
I have also had a busy week and have had lots of fun and also I have been really productive, and even though there is always more to do, I have made sure to take good care of myself and to keep the balance. Of course I am hopeful that my H didn't has as much fun with the OW as he thought he would, but even if he had a great time, I've got stories too.
I'm sure I will have more to report after I see him on Wednesday. Meanwhile, take care all of you, and thanks for being here with me.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, I have to say that I generally groan at long posts on this board, because they're usually just useless detail about the exact way the spouse walked the dog that day or something. Your long posts, however, are very interesting and make for excellent reading. Thanks for sharing what your coach taught you -- great stuff!
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: PL, I have to say that I generally groan at long posts on this board, because they're usually just useless detail about the exact way the spouse walked the dog that day or something.
I just want to say that regardless of how confident, planful, and positive I appear sometimes, there are also days like today when I am full of anxiety. Yesterday, I was just happy that my H was coming home and that I would likely have 2 months "OW free" to DB my little butt off. But today, I am hooked and anxious. Today he is coming back home. Likely I will receive a call tonight, and see him tomorrow. Of course I don't want to negatively react if he had a really good time on his trip and seems perceptibly "high" on it. I am not sure how I will manage that. I guess I will just keep reading my notes from the coaching appt yesterday. I am still "acting as if" when it relates to detachment. Just needed to say that this is my work. Detach, with love. Lovingly detach. No expectations.
OK.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Just wanted to say that expectations, even for the smallest things, are a complete waste of time. H did not call tonight. I have quite a few things to arrange for my day tomorrow (last one before I leave) so had left a message while he was gone to please call me after arriving at the airport, just to arrange a time for connecting on the following day. We have to go to a notary, sign escrow papers, among other things - I unfortunately have a list of about 10 things to pass his way. I would not want to connect with me if I was him either, not after a long fantasy vacation with OW. Of course I can not wait to unload these responsibilities and leave for vacation land myself. I will do my best to tone it down if I can find him at all tomorrow. Must be able to laugh at self
More soon
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well I am up in Canada right now visiting friends, and getting a much needed getaway. I am staying with my best friend (who introduced me to my H) and her wonderful husband and my godson (who is thrilled that I am here). I am being nurtured and supported in every way. They are also 100% supportive of my DBing efforts, and are really good at making me happy to be alive. They love my H, and love me, and are confident that everything will be alright. It is so good to have friends like these.
So here's my unanticipated update:
I spoke with my H on Wednesday morning which was the day he got back from his trip to see the OW and was also the day before I was leaving to come up here. He seemed happy to hear from me, and we agreed to meet for lunch and get the papers signed at the notary. I had decided to treat him the way I would if I thought he would be delighted to see me, and had missed me after a long trip away. (This was the longest time in our relationship that we have even spent without talking on the phone). Well it worked. He was initially hesitant, I think. He was to meet me at my office, and called twice from the parking lot so he wouldn't have to come up and see my staff I expect. However, I had prepped everyone that he might be coming, didn't answer the phone, and when he came up was greeted warmly by everyone. I think he was surprised as he has not crossed that threshold since the A was revealed. We got the papers signed quickly and headed off for lunch. I was warm when I saw him, and greeted him with a hug, and it seems that was all that was needed. He was warm, calling me darling and sweetheart through out. Offered to take me to the airport the next morning, and because he was concerned about commuter traffic at that hour, I offered that he could spend the night with me, and HE ACCEPTED! This was a baby step on my DB list, but totally unexpected. We had a great remainder of the lunch (although I admit I was in secret shock!) I decided to stay very calm (I usually get a little agitated and fussy before I leave on a trip - worried I can't get "it" all done). I took a walk with a friend and the dog on the beach after work. I decided to pack, so that would be out of the way before he arrived. It was like being in the zone. Everything was handled before he arrived, I took a shower and was very relaxed by the time he arrived. I only had the bill paying left to do, which always works me up (it's some weird fear thing I have re: the finances). I decided to do them in the morning before I left, or to take them with me, but NOT to do them before bed. We went to bed together around 10. Granted he was heavily clothed and this was not about sex. But it was about connecting, and we did. It was a very lovely evening, he was very affectionate all night long. In the morning we told silly stories, sang TV jingles and laughed before getting up. I just can't begin to tell you how nice it was to have my H present with me for this little encounter. In addition, he took all of the responsibilities that I had been worried about. He just took it all on. Speaking to my daughter who had been upset and crying that day (he is going to her house this week to help her out), taking care of picking up the supplies I wasn't able to get to, all of it. Now I know that some of this may be a reaction to having been away with the OW, but it honestly didn't seem to be a guilt reaction. He just wanted to participate. The other exciting baby step (also on my list) was that he said he missed me. That was good. I am telling all of you these baby steps because they have been long standing wants of mine, and I feel they are important to honor.
I know he is still seeing the OW and nothing has changed for him about that. Nonetheless, I can see that my steps are making a difference. I am making it less likely that he will want to leave our marriage with each day of DBing. That is good.
Here's what I see as my next piece of work. At the airport, having breakfast, I said to him "Don't worry, everything will be OK". (very typical of me). He said, "I'm not sure". And typical of me, I reassured again. Now, between you and me and the universe, I know everything really will be OK, no matter what. BUT, my H needs to hear something else from me. He needs to hear that I understand his worries and concerns, and that sometimes I am worried too. I have not been granting him this space. This is really important, and I only got it yesterday at this level. I need to acknowledge where he is at, and I need to be understanding, not trying to fix him and sugar coat it. This is hard work for me. I am a PMA tyrant with my family. My H once told me that it wasn't that I wasn't right, it was just that I was 3 steps ahead of the rest of them. I need to let them take the steps at their pace, so that they will see "everything will be OK" when they see it, not on my schedule. So I just noticed that I did it again, and I want to stop. I am a good listener with many of the people in my life, but I realize that with my family, I want them to be where I am at or to be happy, always!) and it's just plain unfair.
OK, last bit. I called my H from here, just to let him know I arrived safely (modeling the behavior I want for our marriage...). He was really happy that I called, and I am really happy he is sleeping in our bed in our home right now. This is all good news.
I'm not sure how much I will be able to post between now and when I get back on the 22nd. But I will try to check in at least a few times, as I really realize how much I need this board to keep me on track. I miss all of you I am grateful.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
It is Easter Monday, and I have experienced a mix of emotions the last two days. I am a holiday "junkie" and usually make a big deal out of them, and relish creating special occasions with my family and friends. Although I am here with my wonderful friends and godson, I miss my H terribly. Since these are the friends that introduced us, and also were our best man and matron of honor and ring bearer for our wedding, there are many memories of my H in the space of being with them. However, I think what sent me into some grief was the phone call with my H on Saturday night. I had not "planned" to call him from up here, but as I received a call from our tenants about a check they left which he needed to pick up (since he is home instead of me) and also a request from my daughter for him to convey, I planned what I thought would be a "good" time to call in hopes I would have a quality conversation with him. No such luck. He was watching a movie on TV, seemed to resent the interruption of the phone, said he could talk for a minute because the ad was on, and was barely present on the call. I get that he is back from his visit with the OW, and now I am gone too, and probably he is feeling his aloneness there in our home. Typical for him these days, he is avoiding and tuning out - so TV, sleep and work is his repetoire and focus of living. He was planning to work the whole day Easter Sunday, no plans to do anything to celebrate or honor the holiday. These things make me very sad, although I suppose he will need to figure out how to generate his life without me (or at least feel what that's like) if we are to have a chance at any point in building our marriage to a healthy place. But it is hard to watch for me, and sad. I miss the joyful, fun man I married. Anyway, he was aloof and emotionally unavailable which of course I should have expected after the last two encounters being so hopeful and warm, and yet I still get dissapointed. I tell you this patience thing will be taking me to new heights of understanding. Anyway, I communicated what I needed to say, and also let him know that it was OK with me (and in fact I would like it) if he wanted to call me while I was up here. However, I am not holding my breath for that - he was as unavailable as could be. I of course like it a lot better when it feels like or says that he misses me. I suspect if he does call while I am up here, he might call on the day I will be visiting his brother and sister-in-law and neices, and perhaps speak with them while I am there so he could make our time short and surface. We shall see, that is tomorrow.
In the midst of the sadness and grieving the loss of this holiday without him, while remembering so many good holidays together, I did good things for myself too and enjoyed these precious people nonetheless. We had an Easter hunt, where my godson and his dad hid the eggs and chocolates for his mom and me - that was fun. And then they graciously took me to a conregation of my church here in Calgary. That was a blessing. I have not been attending church regularly since I got married, but I attended for 18 years regularly while I was raising my daughter, and was quite involved, including teaching the teen program for several years. The minister's message yesterday was all about the crucifiction and ressurrection as stages of transformation, and when faced with difficulty, to be patient, and to trust the divine and to have faith. It gave me the hope I needed to get through my day. I decided I will be returning to church more often when I get home. In the afternoon, we went to my friends' brother's home with the other brother and mom also present. They all know my H and I well, and I was a surprise guest. They know nothing about our current situation, but I was able to share truthfully with them about his work and our home and daughters etc. without revealing the current separation and R challenges. Although this was emotionally challenging for me and I cried some privately with my friends upon returning home, it also felt good to honor the space of our marriage by keeping our situation private with people who might catastrophize or make my H wrong. I can see that there are times when it is best to protect the relationship rather than explain the details. This is also new learning for me, as I am the kind of person who usually shares everything pretty openly with most everyone. My H on the other hand is very private. I get that part of my work at this time is honoring and being understanding of his emotional needs, including the need for privacy and space (even if it is not my usual way).
Before I left for this trip, I read the Five Love Languages, and I brought the book up here to share with my friends. They have been married for 12 years, and have what I consider to be a very healthy marriage. They are finding the book really helpful and insightful as well. I am so fortunate to have friends who are so open and we have stayed up sharing "his and her" prespectives on this book along with some anecdotes of times when the miscommunications or unmet needs came up in our relationships. I am learning from them, and getting present to my own unmet needs in my marriage, which is helpful.
We also did some cyclical analysis based on a philosophy we have all studied together, and it gave me some reassurance regarding my H's affair and his timing and my timing related to our future. I am now expecting to have some great clarity regarding what actions I want to take in July, and am prepared for some significant emotional challenges (which I must not allow to rule my actions or decisions) in June. It is likely that in May my H will be tested heavily and will be challenged, and I am now prepared for that also and will not let that disturb my resolve and forward progress. We went in to much greater depth in our analysis and predictions than I will share here, but this conversation was comforting for me in many ways. Of particular comfort was an awareness that my H began his A with the OW at a very inauspicious time, ie. according to this philosophy, their affair is "doomed" to failure. Whether any of you believe in this kind of thing or not, just know that it made me feel a lot better to have confirmation from this source as well as my other sources, that I am on the right track and that things will resolve well for me if I am patient and remain positive, and focus on my own path and what is before me to do.
Tomorrow the visit to H's family follows a day trip in the car, and a visit to a Sho Tai (health) practioner I have not been able to see in 4 years. We do not have anyone like her where I live, and the herbs and dietary work I have done with her have caused great improvements in my health and well being. So I am very excited to be caring for myself through seeing her, and am looking forward to acknowledgement of progress in my health and well being which I believe she will see despite the current emotional challenges. Again, I wish my H was seeing her with me as we have done in the past, but he has asked me to bring back supplements for him which I will do. I wonder if she has any supplements for MLC fog lifting? LOL
I look forward to a time when I will be truly unaffected by anything negative my H says or does. How tricky that is. Lovingly detach, and yet still remain open to the possibility of a healthy vital marriage together. How are you all doing with that?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: I look forward to a time when I will be truly unaffected by anything negative my H says or does. How tricky that is. Lovingly detach, and yet still remain open to the possibility of a healthy vital marriage together. How are you all doing with that?
I am doing ok with it mainly because I don't think of it in any way opposite of a healthy vital marriage, but rather a component of such. Detachment, in the way we should look at it is much more about self-confidence, relinquishing control of our spouses and believing in our ability to control ourselves, especially our reactions to the world around us. For me, this was a BIG set of changes because I used to try to control everything, I lacked confidence and I thought things "happened to me" so I had to react a certain way, mainly as a victim. When I realized that whatever "happened to me" that was a result of a reaction I had to my W or anything else, was of my own doing, I was able to better control my reactions. Sure, I still had reactions but I was able to better control the actions that came as a result of them. I didn't give in to those urges to DO things because of what she said or did.
I also recognized my terrible habit of matching her mood because I thought if I was happy when she was not, that she'd get jealous and angry. Wow, how wrong I was.
All in all, I would say I have done ok. Sure, I have slipped up now and then but "detachment" has been pretty good for me.
Sorry to hear that your phone call didn't go well this weekend.
I'm really glad you went to church and found it a blessing. I think that spiritual renewal is a big part of GAL and I'm really glad to see you going down that path. There's no way I could have gotten through this the way I have without leaning on God's support and love.
Good luck with the MLC supplements, LOL. Somebody could make a lot of money marketing those.
Quote: Of particular comfort was an awareness that my H began his A with the OW at a very inauspicious time, ie. according to this philosophy, their affair is "doomed" to failure.
I think his A is "doomed to failure" anyway, regardless of when he started it. The progress you're making is going to make a difference. It's clear, PL, that you are effectively putting DB principles into practice, and I believe that you're going to get results.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I also had a little anxiety about my H's return, as it will be the first time I will be seeing him after he has visited the OW with my knowledge. I spent a fair amount of time preparing for the call (up until 2 am) and typed 4 pages of notes and questions so that I would make sure to hit on the important history, and DBing steps I have taken, so the coach could take me from here.
I don't even HAVE a dog!
The progress you're making is going to make a difference. It's clear, PL, that you are effectively putting DB principles into practice, and I believe that you're going to get results.