how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Erin,

Thanks so much for checking in with me. I am grateful - it is nice to be thought about by strangers now new friends! I am (believe it or not) having a fabulous week. I started out a little weaker, but as each day passes, the clarity has come on strong. I wrote in another post that I am feeling strong as a lioness today. That about sums it up

On Monday, I was feeling drained from all of the crying and clearing of the day before, and had a big migraine. Tuesday was nausea and diaharrea. Amazing how the emotions clearing have such an effect on the body. I chose to stay home both those days, and lie in bed, and read, and watch the birds outside my window, and listen to the rain (which doesn't come often here). It was wonderful, and very healing. I also looked through, uploaded and scanned most of the photos taken since our wedding. Although some people might find that morbid or sad, it helped me feel like this current difficult episode is just a small blip that is part of a very long journey with a rich history, and it helped me feel good about who we have been together, helped me feel stronger - remembering why I love him, why I committed. I also read "How to Survive an Affair" and "The Five Love Languages" in their entirety. And they were EXCELLENT. Really gave me new information and perspective about what is going on, both with my H and with myself.

Five Love Languages clarified for me that I seek Quality Time over everything else, and that is one thing I got VERY little of with my H, and the longer we were married, the less I got. He was great at doing other things, particularly Acts of Service, but it is no wonder to me now that I was feeling depleted and concerned about our marriage as time progressed and our quality time together continued to suffer. So this is really important information for me if we ever move towards a reconcilliation, as I won't make it with him if balance in that arena is not addressed. Without his input, I had a little difficulty discerning what his primary love need is. But it is either Acts of Service or Words of Affirmation, and I am pretty sure that his Acts of Service are duty bound and it is the Words of Affirmation that he craves. Fortunately, even before reading this book, as I began DBing, I realized that this was an area where I had been negligent with him, so I have been acknowledging and appreciating him ALOT over the past three months, and I have seen tremendous results in his attitude towards me. Blooming like a flower that was thirsty for water, and finally got some. We went from the HUGE WALL after he revealed the affair, to him telling me I was a "good wife" last month, to telling me I was "perfect" last week. Guess he'll be having a hard time figuring out what to do about me, now that I am so much more in tune with his needs. If you haven't read the book you may not know exactly what I'm talking about, but it's REALLY good and I recommend it, also because you have a child. The book also talks about how to identify the child's primary love language, so you can provide that more as a parent. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if every child got their primary love need profoundly met in childhood!

The other book, Surviving an Affair, was tough but very enlightening. I came to understand the level of addiction this A poses for my H. There is a scale re: emotional needs being met with an affair, ranging from insignificant (such as a one night stand or prostitute) to the other extreme where they feel they have found their soul mate, and they must pursue the A at all costs because they think s/he is possibly the love of their life. My H is on that high end "soul mate" fantasy end of the continuium, which is of couse the most difficult type of A to end, the most painful to witness (or be confronted with) and often the type that drags on the longest. The book says the same things most other books say about timeline - usually 6 months after an A sees the light of day, it ends. But with high emotional attachment, it can take 18 months to 2 years to break apart and die a natural death. Oh goody.

I have no way of knowing at what point I will no longer be willing to reconcile. I know right now, that if my H had an "epiphany" and had insight into his own heart and behavior, and wanted to work to restore our marriage, that I'd be game for that. I would like to think I could hold that space forever, but there's just no way to know right now. Things are moving fast for me.

I had a really great week. After those two days of introspection and reflection, I went back to work, and lots of kindness and strokes from people there who love and support me. I kept up with my school program. I had lunch out with friends 3 times. I went to dinner last night at some other friends' house, and we watched a movie too. I walked on the beach for an hour every day (my dog couldn't be happier!). Today I had a wonderful massage and a counseling appt. Everyone, including me, agrees that I am doing really great. I even have a glow.

Next week, my H returns on Tuesday and then I leave on Thursday for a vacation with friends and family (his family!). He will be staying here at the house (instead of his rented room) taking care of the critters and installing new windows (which we have wanted for 3 years). We have to sign escrow papers on Wednesday with a notary, and I expect we will work in a meal together and a short chat when we do that. It is my goal to keep it light, and definitely no R talk. I am not sure if I want to hear about his trip, but will "act as if" I am OK with it even if I'm not if he brings up any details that could trigger emotions. The thing that bugs me about his conversations about the OW is that it is usually about her stories, and very little about what's going on for him. I guess as his drug of choice, it is much easier to keep the focus on her than to look inside himself. This is always a bit sad for me to see, as he used to rock my world with his perceptive insights. And I suppose as my former favorite companion, I miss him.

Interesting information about the addition aspect I discovered while he was gone: the cell phone bill arrived while he was gone, and I looked at it. FYI, I have asked and he has told me he has no problem with me continuing to sort and open his mail as I have in the past. Although I actually decided to not make it obvious that I had opened it - and I have resealed it, just in case he's edgy when he returns. Anyway, I discovered that they are in a pattern of approximately 18 contacts per day (either phone or text message). Think about that - that is one for every waking hour and then some. I felt so much clearer about what is going on with them, discovering that somehow. But I did feel very sad for him too - he has so much to lose and yet is so unconscious about how it would look and what a concern it would be if he were watching someone else do this. In fact, when my adult former foster daughter was living with us and had a short relationship with a married man, we discovered that she was calling him 20 times a day, repeatedly sometimes within minutes after each call. And my H was very concerned about her at that time. So.... ?? hello....

I did have a question for everyone to consider. I am the person that knows him better than anyone on the planet, and I truly care about him. I am also his wife, we are even legally connected to be responsible for each other's well being. The primary emergency contact, right? So, in the case of any other addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever) you often create an intervention, where everyone that loves the person gets together and tells the person what they see, and asks them (sometimes confronting/insisting) that the person agree to treatment to free themselves from the addiction. When this looks so much (or perhaps exactly) like these other addiction patterns, why is it suggested to leave the person alone to figure it out for themselves in their own time? It is so counter-intuitive based on what I know about other addictions, I just had to ask.

Well, that's all for now! This weekend, I have a term paper to write, and I am walking in the MS Walk. I am also starting a sculpture class and a yoga class next week before I leave on my trip. Probably won't get to reorganizing the garage, but oh well!

I hope you are doing well. I will flip over and read some threads of you and others. More soon.