how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH and all,

I finally was able to make some progress with detachment. I woke up this morning with a splitting migraine (probably from all that crying yesterday), and finally got what I needed for myself next. I had to call my H today regarding our real estate paperwork, so was hopeful I could "get the space clear" between us before he left. Decided I owed my H an acknowledgement for being honest yesterday (about his trip plans, etc.), which I had not really been present to because I had felt so hurt and reactive about it. It was a big step forward for him, and I did not want it to go by disregarded. We have always considered honesty a very important value in our marriage, which is part of the reason the affair and the dishonesty that went with it was such a shock for me and a shameful experience for him. So, on a process level, I see his verbalizing the truth of his planned activities with the OW as steps on the path to a healthier relationship (regardless of how it evolves) as it is necessary for the trust to be there in any relationship for me. Also, I see his OW as a seasoned and comfortable liar, and knowing that he would be in her space for a week I wanted to make sure ours was at least clear.

I also realized that the hurt that I have periodically struggled with in front of him (and heavily struggled with in private, which you have all witnessed) and the guilt he experiences about my hurt is also unhealthy for me and him and for our relationship and I don't want it to continue. So I told him on the phone today that although I continued to be committed to our marriage and that I would be absolutely willing to work on it with him, that his attention and energy seemed to be directed towards the OW right now, and not us. That he was coming over to our house periodically to "work in the office" and I was using those contacts to "make a date" out of it, have dinner together, connect, etc. He protested that he liked that though! And I said, I know, but what was happening was that he is pursuing the OW and I have been pursuing him, and so my feelings were getting hurt, and he was feeling guilty and that it wasn't healthy. So I told him that I felt if he needed a certain amount of space that I should make that amount of space too, so that our relationship was balanced. That right now, our life was still "entangled" and that I thought he should be able to pursue the OW without feelings of guilt if that's what he really wanted to do. He told me, "Well, I don't really know what I'm doing, I've never done this before" and I said I know, it's OK, it's just that he needs to figure it out without me pulling at him. I told him if he was happy with moving forward in the direction he is moving, that we should spend some time between now and June getting our lives unentangled, so that he could have the freedom to explore that relationship without constraints from this one.

This was pure and from the heart, and he got it, but mostly it helped for me to say it for myself. He came over today to pick up his leather jacket for the trip, and I was able to tell him to have a nice trip and to take care of himself and give him a big hug, without any attachment at all now.

I am peaceful today, it has been raining outside, and we have had an amazing assortment of birds visiting our feeders. I have a final paper to write before I leave for my trip next week, some shopping to do for my neices and god son who I will be seeing (and maybe shopping for some clothes for myself too) so I am now clear enough to make lists and get back in action with my life. Thanks to all who have been supporting me. I will keep you posted.