Well, my H came over today. Probably the last time I will see him before he leaves on his trip to see the OW. I thought I could handle being upbeat and cheery but I didn't do so well. I messed up, completely, and now I feel worse than ever. I'm really afraid I have made my situation much worse.
When he arrived, I was making a sandwich - he was starving and loved what I was making, so I made some for him too and we had lunch. He came over ostensibly to do paperwork in the office, but on Friday he also had mentioned that he wanted to watch a new DVD I purchased, the film version of a musical we saw together 3 weeks ago. That never happened. I had planned to stay cheery and upbeat today, as I said. But I got triggered. He is making all of his final arrangements for his trip, and is upbeat of course, going on his little high. The fact that he is so in my face about it is just so hard for me to believe. He shared some of his trip plans with me - staying in a hotel for a few days, going to a 3 day seminar for her work (on Nordic skiing), and also he will be helping her emotionally as her dad just went into the hospital. Meanwhile, I am here holding the bag with business obligations and paperwork that needs to be signed in his absence (we are going into escrow and the escrow papers will likely arrive while he is away). We also were told on Friday that some problems we have with the house we are selling were overdue to be fixed (he was going to ask for an extension, but due to some confusion in our communication, that didn't happen) and they are going to put out a warrant for our arrest if we don't comply, because they noticed that the house if for sale so the city planning office is now feeling urgent. So, I am feeling pressured, I have all the s*** paperwork to handle, which has a lot of $$ attached to it, and finances stress me anyway, and I felt really resentful hearing about his plans, and I did not DB. I lost my center. Even though I was calm and soft in my tone, I ended up telling him that the average cost of an affair is $25,000 per year, and that his current average was running $20,000. That those are are joint assets, so I wanted to make sure he was aware. That it could be a speedboat or a sportscar or something, I suppose, but it also could be paying back his parents (he owes them back child support which they paid on his behalf in Germany, and they asked him to start repaying it to a US account - coincidentally the same month he started the affair - and he hasn't paid any yet). I also asked him if it was acceptable to him to be doing this (going on the trip, having the affair). He said he was struggling with his integrity around it, was feeling bad about what was happening to our family here. Then, he changed the subject and we lightened up a little bit, but I realized I was beginnning to lose it, and needed to leave. Decided to take a walk to the beach. Went to say goodbye, and told him that I hoped he had a great trip. He said, "do you really mean that? You're not angry with me?" and I said, "No I'm not angry, I'm just deeply hurt and sad. But I am hoping that you will have a great trip, and I am also hoping that you will have an epiphany while you are there, that's what I am wishing for". He could see I was getting emotional, and got up and gave me a big long hug, and I started to cry as I hugged him and helld him, so I turned around and hightailed it out of there before the dam burst. Cryed all the way to the beach and for half of the walk, and then enjoyed it and the beauty and serenity for a while. Made a few phone calls in hopes to get clear. Had some insights in my thinking, about how I want to control him, I want him to see what I see, and I want him to do what I think is the right thing. I know I might get a lot of agreement on this board, that what I want for our marriage and from him IS the right thing. But it is controlling nonetheless if it does not come from inside of him. So I was prepared to apologize for that when I returned home. But he was already gone. No note, no message. Vaporized. I cried again, laid on the floor and sobbed for another hour.
And all of you, where is everybody this weekend? Weekends are the hardest, especially this weekend. My usual support system is on the road (daughter, best friend, etc.) Not that anyone can really fix how painful this is. I would do anything if he would just decide to come home and recommit to our marriage. But now I feel like I have done exactly what they say not to do - and I have driven him into the arms of the perpertually happy to see him OW.
So, of course, I need to GAL completely without him ASAP. I realize I have been planning all of my future events in my mind with hopeful thoughts that he will be there too. We wanted to go to Hawaii this year. For his birthday in June, I wanted to go to Cambria (we went there last year for his b-day too) - I have been saying I will go with him or without him, but of course I have been thinking all along that he will be with me there and we will be together again by then. Is that wrong, to be hopeful about that? It seems like all of my future fantasies have him in them. He told me that he was still considering going on a work trip with me this year to DC in July (I have been asking him every year for the last 6 years to join me). What the h*** am I supposed to do? I want him, for the rest of my life, at all of these things with me. And yet, knowing what he is doing next week, this cruel fantasy land affair, makes me lose so much respect for him and hurts me so badly, that I dropped my DBing and became pitiful.
Does anyone have any advice for me now? It seems like all there is to do, is let go, walk away and trust the universe to provide what is needed for healing here. Easier said than done. I am really in pain. I love my husband with all my heart. What should I do now?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hugs to you PL. I can hear your pain. I am so sorry this is happening. I wish I had some good advice for you. I , like you, tend to plan my future events with STBX in them. Wishful thinking. We always had such great times together when we travelled. It nearly killed me when I found out that he want skiing with OW over Christmas. He has never been skiing without me. I have stopped asking the question,"How can he -------(fill in the blanks) and have realized it doesn't matter how can he, but just that he can. Take GOOD care of yourself while he is gone, I'll say a prayer tonight for you.
Sorry PL that you had a rough weekend but I THINK you did ok. We all make mistakes now and then. I am curious as to what OT may have to say if she pops in today. Hang in there and know that while this part is tough, it also represents a great opportunity for you to re-discover what you can be without him around. Try best as you can to do something(s) fun and take your mind off things for awhile. I will post more later.
To be honest, GH, I wrote a post to answer you, but it is simply to harsh to post. To tone it down a lot, I think PL is in extreme denial about her H's pretty complete emotional D from her, and that she is locked into very ego-centric, self-destructive, controlling behavior. She needs to quit playing the victim AND quit playing puppet master AND quit generating situations in which she gets to play tragic drama queen. She needs to own her happiness and become responsible for her own financial and emotional health.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I finally was able to make some progress with detachment. I woke up this morning with a splitting migraine (probably from all that crying yesterday), and finally got what I needed for myself next. I had to call my H today regarding our real estate paperwork, so was hopeful I could "get the space clear" between us before he left. Decided I owed my H an acknowledgement for being honest yesterday (about his trip plans, etc.), which I had not really been present to because I had felt so hurt and reactive about it. It was a big step forward for him, and I did not want it to go by disregarded. We have always considered honesty a very important value in our marriage, which is part of the reason the affair and the dishonesty that went with it was such a shock for me and a shameful experience for him. So, on a process level, I see his verbalizing the truth of his planned activities with the OW as steps on the path to a healthier relationship (regardless of how it evolves) as it is necessary for the trust to be there in any relationship for me. Also, I see his OW as a seasoned and comfortable liar, and knowing that he would be in her space for a week I wanted to make sure ours was at least clear.
I also realized that the hurt that I have periodically struggled with in front of him (and heavily struggled with in private, which you have all witnessed) and the guilt he experiences about my hurt is also unhealthy for me and him and for our relationship and I don't want it to continue. So I told him on the phone today that although I continued to be committed to our marriage and that I would be absolutely willing to work on it with him, that his attention and energy seemed to be directed towards the OW right now, and not us. That he was coming over to our house periodically to "work in the office" and I was using those contacts to "make a date" out of it, have dinner together, connect, etc. He protested that he liked that though! And I said, I know, but what was happening was that he is pursuing the OW and I have been pursuing him, and so my feelings were getting hurt, and he was feeling guilty and that it wasn't healthy. So I told him that I felt if he needed a certain amount of space that I should make that amount of space too, so that our relationship was balanced. That right now, our life was still "entangled" and that I thought he should be able to pursue the OW without feelings of guilt if that's what he really wanted to do. He told me, "Well, I don't really know what I'm doing, I've never done this before" and I said I know, it's OK, it's just that he needs to figure it out without me pulling at him. I told him if he was happy with moving forward in the direction he is moving, that we should spend some time between now and June getting our lives unentangled, so that he could have the freedom to explore that relationship without constraints from this one.
This was pure and from the heart, and he got it, but mostly it helped for me to say it for myself. He came over today to pick up his leather jacket for the trip, and I was able to tell him to have a nice trip and to take care of himself and give him a big hug, without any attachment at all now.
I am peaceful today, it has been raining outside, and we have had an amazing assortment of birds visiting our feeders. I have a final paper to write before I leave for my trip next week, some shopping to do for my neices and god son who I will be seeing (and maybe shopping for some clothes for myself too) so I am now clear enough to make lists and get back in action with my life. Thanks to all who have been supporting me. I will keep you posted.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, it's clear you made a huge step forward on detachment and I am so excited for you! I really think this is going to make a big difference in your H's trip. It's not going to be as exciting to get away from you, that's for sure.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Wanted to check in with you while H is gone - how are your bearing up? I was worried about your goals for this week leaving you feeling burdened or let down or both. Stay strong. What they are engaging in is NOT REAL, and while fantasy can keep hold a LONG time, it will not endure like mature love. Treat yourself well today. erin
Thanks so much for checking in with me. I am grateful - it is nice to be thought about by strangers now new friends! I am (believe it or not) having a fabulous week. I started out a little weaker, but as each day passes, the clarity has come on strong. I wrote in another post that I am feeling strong as a lioness today. That about sums it up
On Monday, I was feeling drained from all of the crying and clearing of the day before, and had a big migraine. Tuesday was nausea and diaharrea. Amazing how the emotions clearing have such an effect on the body. I chose to stay home both those days, and lie in bed, and read, and watch the birds outside my window, and listen to the rain (which doesn't come often here). It was wonderful, and very healing. I also looked through, uploaded and scanned most of the photos taken since our wedding. Although some people might find that morbid or sad, it helped me feel like this current difficult episode is just a small blip that is part of a very long journey with a rich history, and it helped me feel good about who we have been together, helped me feel stronger - remembering why I love him, why I committed. I also read "How to Survive an Affair" and "The Five Love Languages" in their entirety. And they were EXCELLENT. Really gave me new information and perspective about what is going on, both with my H and with myself.
Five Love Languages clarified for me that I seek Quality Time over everything else, and that is one thing I got VERY little of with my H, and the longer we were married, the less I got. He was great at doing other things, particularly Acts of Service, but it is no wonder to me now that I was feeling depleted and concerned about our marriage as time progressed and our quality time together continued to suffer. So this is really important information for me if we ever move towards a reconcilliation, as I won't make it with him if balance in that arena is not addressed. Without his input, I had a little difficulty discerning what his primary love need is. But it is either Acts of Service or Words of Affirmation, and I am pretty sure that his Acts of Service are duty bound and it is the Words of Affirmation that he craves. Fortunately, even before reading this book, as I began DBing, I realized that this was an area where I had been negligent with him, so I have been acknowledging and appreciating him ALOT over the past three months, and I have seen tremendous results in his attitude towards me. Blooming like a flower that was thirsty for water, and finally got some. We went from the HUGE WALL after he revealed the affair, to him telling me I was a "good wife" last month, to telling me I was "perfect" last week. Guess he'll be having a hard time figuring out what to do about me, now that I am so much more in tune with his needs. If you haven't read the book you may not know exactly what I'm talking about, but it's REALLY good and I recommend it, also because you have a child. The book also talks about how to identify the child's primary love language, so you can provide that more as a parent. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if every child got their primary love need profoundly met in childhood!
The other book, Surviving an Affair, was tough but very enlightening. I came to understand the level of addiction this A poses for my H. There is a scale re: emotional needs being met with an affair, ranging from insignificant (such as a one night stand or prostitute) to the other extreme where they feel they have found their soul mate, and they must pursue the A at all costs because they think s/he is possibly the love of their life. My H is on that high end "soul mate" fantasy end of the continuium, which is of couse the most difficult type of A to end, the most painful to witness (or be confronted with) and often the type that drags on the longest. The book says the same things most other books say about timeline - usually 6 months after an A sees the light of day, it ends. But with high emotional attachment, it can take 18 months to 2 years to break apart and die a natural death. Oh goody.
I have no way of knowing at what point I will no longer be willing to reconcile. I know right now, that if my H had an "epiphany" and had insight into his own heart and behavior, and wanted to work to restore our marriage, that I'd be game for that. I would like to think I could hold that space forever, but there's just no way to know right now. Things are moving fast for me.
I had a really great week. After those two days of introspection and reflection, I went back to work, and lots of kindness and strokes from people there who love and support me. I kept up with my school program. I had lunch out with friends 3 times. I went to dinner last night at some other friends' house, and we watched a movie too. I walked on the beach for an hour every day (my dog couldn't be happier!). Today I had a wonderful massage and a counseling appt. Everyone, including me, agrees that I am doing really great. I even have a glow.
Next week, my H returns on Tuesday and then I leave on Thursday for a vacation with friends and family (his family!). He will be staying here at the house (instead of his rented room) taking care of the critters and installing new windows (which we have wanted for 3 years). We have to sign escrow papers on Wednesday with a notary, and I expect we will work in a meal together and a short chat when we do that. It is my goal to keep it light, and definitely no R talk. I am not sure if I want to hear about his trip, but will "act as if" I am OK with it even if I'm not if he brings up any details that could trigger emotions. The thing that bugs me about his conversations about the OW is that it is usually about her stories, and very little about what's going on for him. I guess as his drug of choice, it is much easier to keep the focus on her than to look inside himself. This is always a bit sad for me to see, as he used to rock my world with his perceptive insights. And I suppose as my former favorite companion, I miss him.
Interesting information about the addition aspect I discovered while he was gone: the cell phone bill arrived while he was gone, and I looked at it. FYI, I have asked and he has told me he has no problem with me continuing to sort and open his mail as I have in the past. Although I actually decided to not make it obvious that I had opened it - and I have resealed it, just in case he's edgy when he returns. Anyway, I discovered that they are in a pattern of approximately 18 contacts per day (either phone or text message). Think about that - that is one for every waking hour and then some. I felt so much clearer about what is going on with them, discovering that somehow. But I did feel very sad for him too - he has so much to lose and yet is so unconscious about how it would look and what a concern it would be if he were watching someone else do this. In fact, when my adult former foster daughter was living with us and had a short relationship with a married man, we discovered that she was calling him 20 times a day, repeatedly sometimes within minutes after each call. And my H was very concerned about her at that time. So.... ?? hello....
I did have a question for everyone to consider. I am the person that knows him better than anyone on the planet, and I truly care about him. I am also his wife, we are even legally connected to be responsible for each other's well being. The primary emergency contact, right? So, in the case of any other addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever) you often create an intervention, where everyone that loves the person gets together and tells the person what they see, and asks them (sometimes confronting/insisting) that the person agree to treatment to free themselves from the addiction. When this looks so much (or perhaps exactly) like these other addiction patterns, why is it suggested to leave the person alone to figure it out for themselves in their own time? It is so counter-intuitive based on what I know about other addictions, I just had to ask.
Well, that's all for now! This weekend, I have a term paper to write, and I am walking in the MS Walk. I am also starting a sculpture class and a yoga class next week before I leave on my trip. Probably won't get to reorganizing the garage, but oh well!
I hope you are doing well. I will flip over and read some threads of you and others. More soon.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: Anyway, I discovered that they are in a pattern of approximately 18 contacts per day (either phone or text message). Think about that - that is one for every waking hour and then some.
My W was on her cell phone for over 7000 hours in January, in addition to 180 text messages. Now, she does use her phone a fair amount for work, but 4 hours a day plus 5 texts a day was an incredible amount.
Quote: When this looks so much (or perhaps exactly) like these other addiction patterns, why is it suggested to leave the person alone to figure it out for themselves in their own time? It is so counter-intuitive based on what I know about other addictions, I just had to ask.
I think the reason is that most people can accept that drug or alcohol or even gambling addictions are destructive and harmful. An affair, though, can simply be viewed as an alternate path -- one that could lead to true happiness with one's "soulmate." The WAS does not believe that he/she HAS a problem; he/she believes that he is ESCAPING a problem marriage. In the WAS mind, the marriage is destructive, not the affair. In my opinion, that's why an intervention wouldn't usually work.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
