how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, my H came over today. Probably the last time I will see him before he leaves on his trip to see the OW. I thought I could handle being upbeat and cheery but I didn't do so well. I messed up, completely, and now I feel worse than ever. I'm really afraid I have made my situation much worse.

When he arrived, I was making a sandwich - he was starving and loved what I was making, so I made some for him too and we had lunch. He came over ostensibly to do paperwork in the office, but on Friday he also had mentioned that he wanted to watch a new DVD I purchased, the film version of a musical we saw together 3 weeks ago. That never happened. I had planned to stay cheery and upbeat today, as I said. But I got triggered. He is making all of his final arrangements for his trip, and is upbeat of course, going on his little high. The fact that he is so in my face about it is just so hard for me to believe. He shared some of his trip plans with me - staying in a hotel for a few days, going to a 3 day seminar for her work (on Nordic skiing), and also he will be helping her emotionally as her dad just went into the hospital. Meanwhile, I am here holding the bag with business obligations and paperwork that needs to be signed in his absence (we are going into escrow and the escrow papers will likely arrive while he is away). We also were told on Friday that some problems we have with the house we are selling were overdue to be fixed (he was going to ask for an extension, but due to some confusion in our communication, that didn't happen) and they are going to put out a warrant for our arrest if we don't comply, because they noticed that the house if for sale so the city planning office is now feeling urgent. So, I am feeling pressured, I have all the s*** paperwork to handle, which has a lot of $$ attached to it, and finances stress me anyway, and I felt really resentful hearing about his plans, and I did not DB. I lost my center. Even though I was calm and soft in my tone, I ended up telling him that the average cost of an affair is $25,000 per year, and that his current average was running $20,000. That those are are joint assets, so I wanted to make sure he was aware. That it could be a speedboat or a sportscar or something, I suppose, but it also could be paying back his parents (he owes them back child support which they paid on his behalf in Germany, and they asked him to start repaying it to a US account - coincidentally the same month he started the affair - and he hasn't paid any yet). I also asked him if it was acceptable to him to be doing this (going on the trip, having the affair). He said he was struggling with his integrity around it, was feeling bad about what was happening to our family here. Then, he changed the subject and we lightened up a little bit, but I realized I was beginnning to lose it, and needed to leave. Decided to take a walk to the beach. Went to say goodbye, and told him that I hoped he had a great trip. He said, "do you really mean that? You're not angry with me?" and I said, "No I'm not angry, I'm just deeply hurt and sad. But I am hoping that you will have a great trip, and I am also hoping that you will have an epiphany while you are there, that's what I am wishing for". He could see I was getting emotional, and got up and gave me a big long hug, and I started to cry as I hugged him and helld him, so I turned around and hightailed it out of there before the dam burst. Cryed all the way to the beach and for half of the walk, and then enjoyed it and the beauty and serenity for a while. Made a few phone calls in hopes to get clear. Had some insights in my thinking, about how I want to control him, I want him to see what I see, and I want him to do what I think is the right thing. I know I might get a lot of agreement on this board, that what I want for our marriage and from him IS the right thing. But it is controlling nonetheless if it does not come from inside of him. So I was prepared to apologize for that when I returned home. But he was already gone. No note, no message. Vaporized. I cried again, laid on the floor and sobbed for another hour.

And all of you, where is everybody this weekend? Weekends are the hardest, especially this weekend. My usual support system is on the road (daughter, best friend, etc.) Not that anyone can really fix how painful this is. I would do anything if he would just decide to come home and recommit to our marriage. But now I feel like I have done exactly what they say not to do - and I have driven him into the arms of the perpertually happy to see him OW.

So, of course, I need to GAL completely without him ASAP. I realize I have been planning all of my future events in my mind with hopeful thoughts that he will be there too. We wanted to go to Hawaii this year. For his birthday in June, I wanted to go to Cambria (we went there last year for his b-day too) - I have been saying I will go with him or without him, but of course I have been thinking all along that he will be with me there and we will be together again by then. Is that wrong, to be hopeful about that? It seems like all of my future fantasies have him in them. He told me that he was still considering going on a work trip with me this year to DC in July (I have been asking him every year for the last 6 years to join me). What the h*** am I supposed to do? I want him, for the rest of my life, at all of these things with me. And yet, knowing what he is doing next week, this cruel fantasy land affair, makes me lose so much respect for him and hurts me so badly, that I dropped my DBing and became pitiful.

Does anyone have any advice for me now? It seems like all there is to do, is let go, walk away and trust the universe to provide what is needed for healing here. Easier said than done. I am really in pain. I love my husband with all my heart. What should I do now?