how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH,

I have been thinking about what you said related to control issues

I make stuff up based on things she really didn't even say, and worse than that, I would then LIVE in the world as it existed in my head, as if everything I made up was real. It is part of a control issue where I used to make up scenarios about how things should go and if they didn't I would get frustrated, upset, whatever. In this case, I would convince myself that I understood what my W said, and really I don't think I ever listened well enough to have understood.

I never realized that in a sense my PMA, inflicted upon others, is a control issue. One of my daughters is currently furious with me and not speaking to me (my former foster daughter, who came to live with me when she was 15). She is 25 now, but extremely upset about my H's behavior and choice to have an affair. She of course has her own issues related to attachment and abandonment, and as she had taken on my H as her dad when we married (age 18 for her), she is unforgiving, and sees his infidelity to me as a betrayal of her trust. She is furious with me for making efforts and being committed to support reconciliation, but particularly furious at me for not being emotionally supportive of her current stated decision to "divorce him as her father".

Anyway, I have a lot of scenarios right now of how things should go, and most of them aren't happening right now. In the past, I have always considered myself a very powerful being in the world, in that usually whatever I hold in my heart and mind to show up usually does show up in my life. I have always lived an extraordinary life. I have always said "Life is great!" and really meant it. But right now, I have no alignment from anyone in my family, and it feels like my family is falling apart and I just can't fix it this time. Life doesn't feel so great. For me, there is nothing more important to me than the people in my life, and the message I am getting from each of them individually is that I am trying to control them and the outcome of who we are as a family. Well yes, I have a picture of how I want the members of my family to treat each other. We had agreements. And those agreement when kept, worked. We have always been so much fun together, until now.

I raised my girls with House Rules and House Values posted on the wall, which included things like honesty, integrity, and respect with behavioral examples of how that would look and what to do. Of course my H did not follow these rules/values when he had his secret affair, and the family upset is pretty huge since he's not sharing any significant remorse yet and is still continuing the affair. So there's a lot of pressure on me to draw the line with my H outside the circle.

So what's control (and being overly controlling) and what's just healthy living with agreements and values? And how do you DB when someone's behavior doesn't fit your values or definition of healthy relating? My view has been that he is my HUSBAND, and even though he behaved badly, and may not be "healthy" by my definitions right now, he deserves my respect and understanding while he figures himself out. But I worry how long this will take, what the fall out for the rest of my family might be while he's not following the rules and values we all respect, etc.

Finally, my other daughter (my biological daughter, also 25) is thinking she will not be able to include my H in her graduation festivities in May because the other daughter won't come if he's there.` I am afraid this will make everything worse, not better. I know I am upset about it now. But it's her graduation. But NONE of this fits my picture, I can assure you. And yes, I have been wanting to fix it, but it is apparently not mine to fix. That is tough news for me in my life, I can usually manage and fix anything. All of this defies everything I have ever wanted for my family life. This is definitely the most difficult challenge we have ever faced as a family, and the unhappiest and most difficult situation I have ever dealt with (and I've had lots of challenges). But this one has me on my knees.

We're all adults, but the gals are definitely relating to this as a father/mother heartbreak, and their age doesn't make them immune to the pain. We have always been a very close, loving and happy family until the reveal of my H's affair (although he was distant and preoccppied once the affair started 5 months earlier, and we all thought he was just working too much). My H states he doesn't want to walk away from the family, but truth is, they won't have him if he walks out on me. They are struggling with maintaining respect for him right now, and I even struggle with that.

Today I went down a fear tunnel about the finances. oldtimer said something to me in my thread about how the average affair costs $25000 per year, so I got fixated on that today and started looking into the bank statements to see if I could get a handle on what his affair is costing. Well, it's costing $650/mo for a rented room, about $450/mo in phone costs (that was a shocker) and a plane ticket, rental car etc. to Europe approximately every 2 months ($1100 approx). So all told, monthly average cost for his affair is $1650/mo which ends up being about $20,000 per year. So oldtimer was right in the ball park. And now of course, I want HIM to become aware of these costs on top of the emotional ones.

The hardest part about DBing is that is not my job to be the provider of rational information anymore. RIGHT? So I want to check this out, is that RIGHT? If I am committed to my marriage, am I just supposed to wait until he figures this stuff out? Because there is no doubt that I was always the financial analyst in our marriage, making little charts and goal sheets and spending plans etc. and that was part of the pressure he was feeling when he became the WAS he currently is. I was also the emotional/communication leader. I just move fast/faster, and he takes more time to process. That I know. I don't believe my husband is a bad guy, and I don't believe his intention is to harm me financially in any way. But he is not awake, he is in LaLa Land and the ultimate fantasy as part of the continuation of the affair. It doesn't seem like DBing allows for me to be the one to burst his bubble. So are these costs just part of what I have no control over, and I need to suck it up and make peace with that? How will I be able to respect and trust him later, as these issues add up? Is there an appropriate time and way to confront concrete rational issues of concern? And not be the one controlling the scene and always being the wake up call for others? I want my H to WAKE UP!! Is this just a patience issue?