how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi oldtimer,

I am surely glad that you are following my thread. I have some cheerleaders, but you are the skeptic I believe who will keep me alert and questioning. And of course, I do not know if I am doing this right. I have been considering getting a coaching call to reassess, so I may do that this weekend. But I will be curious to hear your reactions to my response. BTW, I have read some of your comments to others, and I just want you to know, even if I end up seeing it differently from you at any point, I can take it straight, so feel free - truly - to tell me what you see. And I will appreciate your insights. I know you have been around here a while. And I really do want to save my marriage.

So here's where I have been at in my thinking/strategy: 2 1/2 months ago, my husband announced his affair and I asked him to move out immediately. Got the DBing books a few days later. Had a few conversations with my H, who was mostly closed down, distrustful and resentful of me. Big wall up. However, I was able to figure out during those early conversations (as I had already softened my tone and demeanor) that the side of me he was resenting was how strong and independent I am. And I realized that I had also become very worried about finances and somewhat of a nag about incompleted house projects during the last year or so. I had also let myself go physically (wasn't exercising, had gained some weight, clothes had gotten "old lady"). He had been under a lot of pressure, was clearly feeling inadequate and suffering from low self-esteem. I believe he is in the midst of MLC. He described the OW as "loving, very loving". So I took a good hard look at the ways in which I had not been loving or respectful to him and saw what a toll this had taken on our marriage. My husband is actually a very emotionally sensitive man, and sometime (a year ago?) I think he just gave up trying to please me and withdrew. He was really resentful and pissed off and hurting 2 1/2 months ago. Last night he said I was "perfect, couldn't be a better partner" and that this situation was not about me. So, I have been very successful in turning his negative impressions of me around during these months of separation. I used to be angry easily and quick to express it. Now I am gentle and soft and calm and patient when I speak. I used to talk a lot. Now there is a lot more silence when we are together. I didn't used to listen to him well. Now I listen and focus on him, and do not jump right in with something about me. Sometimes when he asks me questions, I do not give him the answer, especially if he drifts off to another topic, I don't bring it back to me. I wait for him to notice (or not). I am being very patient, and I was truly not very patient with him before. I saw it as a big breakthrough about 1 month ago when we had lunch, and he asked me how I was doing for the first time since the reveal of the affair. Prior to that moment, he had indicated no interest in how I was doing or feeling whatsoever. And now he asks about my life and my day and how I am every time he sees me. The OW is apparently some kind of victim in her life (her husband is mean, kids don't respect her, she works hard and no one appreciates her, etc.) so although I will not be a victim, I have been looking at ways to express that my H is important to me, and that I have a vulnerable side (as opposed to all strength and competence). Last night for example, I asked if he would be willing to leave his truck at our house while he is away. He wasn't planning on this, and had already arranged to drive to the airport and park it there, so asked me why. I gave him 2 reasons - 1) I have some things in the garage I'd like to donate and get out of there, and 2) I have been uncomfortable since he has been gone, feeling vulnerable since it seems obvious that I am alone here alot now, and having the truck there would give out the impression at least for a few days that he is near. It was emotional for me to say this. Well, # 1 didn't carry much weight with him, but #2 had him going for a good 7 minutes about how he might be able to work out getting to the airport, there might be a shuttle, he'd call around in the morning to look into it, etc., etc. So my take is that he needs to feel needed, and if he gets that I need him (without pressure but just that he's got the ticket to meeting my needs) and if I acknowledge and appreciate him whenever I can, then I think these new (or forgotten) behaviors will have an impact. I am trying to be the person he fell in love with, the one who let go and became vulnerable because he was safe. Now I realize that some of this is an "act as if" because of course I am not sure anymore if he IS safe right now. So I am observing too. But I need to believe he is going to come through for me, and treat him like the positive outcome is imminent, right? So far, I think progress has been made, anyway.

However, I could use advice from you and/or others regarding some of my obviously weaker (less natural) areas of my strategy. I am past the crisis of the complete lock down of his heart, and he has warmed up and opened up to me in friendly ways. So it seems like some 180's are in order. Because he is leaving however, and won't be here, I was thinking I would be as consistent as I have been until he returns. I suppose I could be busy as could be and give him less attention on Sunday when he comes, as opposed to my usual way of being when anyone leaves for a trip around here, where I am the send-off queen. But I am not sure the timing is right for me to be more aloof/mysterious. Your thoughts? He will be housesitting at our home while I am on my trip after he returns and we will only have 1 1/2 days in between at that point. So while I am gone, he will be germinating in our home with our photos and memories and the natural beauty of our yard on the heels of his visit to the OW and a short return to his rented room by the freeway. I think space in our home without me especially when I have been truly perfect could work in my favor. Last time he stayed here alone (after the reveal), he cried the whole weekend he was here without me, thinking about our relationship. And, when I am gone, I will be having a great time, visiting friends and his family. I will be gone over Easter, and I usually make a big deal about holidays and I will be leaving him alone. I did get him some cards (from me the dog and the cat) but considering how it usually is, that will be a skeleton. I will make sure to make colored eggs and my famous amazing Easter Sunday potato salad while I am away and tell him about it and everything else we did with the family and friends when I return. We did Easter with his son two years ago, and we were in the process of immigrating his son to the US when the affair information came out. Right now his son won't talk to him too. So it feels like his life choices are giving him some feedback. I have a very full life, wonderful friends, school. But what other kinds of 180's might be needed here? I was thinking after my trip, if I see no movement towards reconcilliation, that I would then step back, let him know I am "thinking things through" etc. I am trying very hard to be aware of the importance of timing, as I have never paid much attention to that - I have always just gotten things done and forged ahead. He has often been a few steps behind me in his "process time" so I wanted to make sure I had really sunk in as the loving spouse before I surprise him with too much mystery. It wouldn't have mattered what I did a few months ago, he was so far out the door. In my past, I have ended relationships promptly and swiftly, and never looked back (they weren't marriages, of course). But all of my ex relationships always wanted to come back, way after I was DONE. I am trying to hold the space for my husband. But detaching and still being loving? That is tough to do.

OK Oldtimer, have at it! Waht do you see?