how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, another day of DBing and I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself. Tonight my H came over for dinner. For those of you who are still living with your spouses, these events are perhaps no big deal in the course of a day. But for me, a lovely dinner with my H at home is such a special event. And, I made it special too. Planned the menu and shopped ahead, bought the same wine we drank at our wedding, and went to a restaurant to purchase his favorite dessert. Interesting how sharing that with the waitress at the restaurant can create a romantic "ahh..." when she sees me going out of my way to do that for my H. I do not know why in my last few years of our marriage, I was not generating those special occasions more often. It takes a little effort, but it's so fun. I guess I was just asleep and/or depleted. I also put on some of the music from our special bank of songs, including the one he chose for our wedding dance. Candles too, like every time he comes for dinner now. I'm not sure he notices all of the details, but I figure it's in his storehhouse somewhere, that perhaps unconsciously it connects with him that these times together are special.

He is still very affectionate and loving towards me. Kisses me, hugs me, hold my hand. It is not always me initiating, he also intitiates these moments. However, it seems that he is equally committed to pursue this affair he is having. What a frikkin' pain. He is leaving for Germany on Tuesday to see the OW.

He still thinks of this as his home, and says so. He loved my dinner. He is excited that I am going to Calgary where I will visit his brother and sister-in-law and nieces as well as my best friend, and has been bringing presents for me to bring them. However, he is not going with me because he is going to Germany to vists the OW instead. Of course his parents and his son are also in Germany and none of them will see him and don't know that he will be there. The OW is also keeping him a secret, as she is married and has children also. When do they wake up from this insanity? I guess, when they do.

Anyway, although I do not generally make relationship talk, I did say a few things to my H tonight. Although it did not seem like it changed anything that's about to happen, somehow I do feel like it was important and may enter his storehouse anyway. Here's what I said:

"I respect you too much to want to influence your decisions. But I need you to know that I want to trust you, and it is difficult to trust you as long as your relationship with her continues. And I need you to know how much the fact that you are continuing contact with her is hurting me."

Then I also said,

"I also want you to know that if you can forgive me for whatever it is that I said or did that hurt you and made you feel like you needed to step away from our relationship, that I know that I also will be able to forgive you for what has happened."

He seem moved by this, and tried to reassure me that I should not "beat myself up", that this whole situation was not about me, that I was perfect, and I couldn't be a better partner. I reassured him that I wasn't beating myself up, but that I could "see things". There was a lot of loving eye contact and hand holding during this time. I did also ask him to evaluate very carefully, as there was so much at stake. And he said, "I know".

When he initially arrived he said he was not feeling well, probably getting a cold - he had the shivers and a tightness in his chest - so needed to head off to bed early. After dinner, I offered to take care of him here (tuck him in, make him tea, etc.), which I think he liked, although he said I already had taken care of him with the great dinner, and he declined to stay. It will be interesting if he is sick before or on his trip, as I imagine the OW will have expectations for their time together which may end up feeling like pressure. Of course it is my hope that this trip does not re-kindle anything for him, but perhaps opens up some insights that the whole situation may not work for him. I pray that he will have insights like that.

Meanwhile, today I spoke with my sister-in-law on the phone about my upcoming trip to Calgary, when I will visit them as well as my best friend in two weeks. I have not spoken to them since my H moved out, so she had a lot of questions about how we were doing. I told my H that I would not be telling them about his affair, only that my H is "in an inquiry about his life, and trying to determine what will make him happy, including whether he wants to remain in our marriage". So, I did not break from that (as tempting as it is to get allies) but I DID tell her that my H was going to Germany next week (instead of to Calgary with me), and when she assumed that he was either going to visit his parents or his son, and I said "he's not going there, but you should really speak to HIM about it" I KNOW she got really curious and I am sure my brother-in-law will be calling my H to find out what the H*** is going on, since none of them know anything about our situation yet, as my H has been underground and on his own secret path for months.

So I do not know if this will work in my favor or not. Initially, I read that keeping up appearances is important for the spouse to feel comfortable to return. And also, that guilt does not always work in the LBS's favor. But at this point, I think my H is really torn and I am hoping he will begin to see that there is no future in pursuing the OW. Anyone have any experience with this? I did not lie, and I did not tell more than I said I would, but I know I have stirred the pot and upped the stakes a little. His family loves me, and I know they know that I love my H with all my heart. Is this OK, or did I over step - will it help or hinder? I suppose I will find out soon enough, but I am curious if any of you have experience with family conversations re: an affair.

My H mentioned that he is lucky to be "so abundant" to have a home (where I live right now - our home) and also a "room" (the one he is renting) - two homes basically. I can't tell if he is just trying very hard to put a positive spin on what is happening or what. It could be worse I suppose, even for me. Tonight, I shall finish off the remainder of the bottle of wine, the remainder of our dessert, and the remainder of the love music on the stereo. Tomorrow is another day. And on Sunday, he will actually visit again, just like the last two weeks in a row - his choice. Maybe he misses our home, or misses me Anyway, I have no problem putting fond recent memories of my cute self in his store house right before he leaves on his trip to see the OW. Right now, I will take the crumbs and make them into a feast.

Meanwhile, in case you are wondering if I am taking care of MYSELF, I had a GREAT day, with a chiropractic appt, lunch out, a massage and a counseling appt also built in. But I do like providing something for him as well as for me - it gives me pleasure and it was fun to plan our dinner. I have decided that I will be reevaluating our whole situation again in June. Between now and then, I am going to maintain my calm loving demeanor and allow as much contact as he would like as long as it truly works for me. (I did put him off a few times this week, which was good too) My daughter is graduating at the end of May, and that is the last family event we have planned for some time. If nothing has changed on his part by then, I may "go dark" for a while just to honor myself as this DBing is sometimes a lot of work! Even though I am hopeful that he will make a new plan for us together. Meanwhile, tonight anyway, was pure pleasure.