how do you deal with this?

[grasshopper]

PL,

Notice that the day's worth of crying and "backsliding" you did was self inflicted. HE didn't do anything but change his tone. That could have been for many reasons, sure, likely the one you think BUT it could have been anything and you chose to dwell on it. This was a PERFECT time to practice detachment, and BTW, I don't see anything on your list about detaching a bit more. Have you read about/understood the way I mean detachment? You need to practice not letting HIS mood or change in tone set YOU off and cause YOUR mood to change or YOUR tone to change. I know it's hard but it would help you achieve your goals, both personal and where possible, relationship. When you are detached, you still love, and express love, you just don't follow him down the well of sadness, anger, bitterness, etc.

That said, sometimes you just need to let this stuff out. DON'T deny your feelings, just try to understand where they come from so that you can avoid or ignore the triggers that bring them on.

As for your list, VERY comprehensive, maybe too much so. Most of those things are great goals to have but I am afraid it will be hard to try to achieve them because there are so many. SO, which of those goals are for TODAY? This week? Which ones do you want to have accomplished by the end of April?

I think you are doing just fine. Like I said, pick a couple of the personal goals and set a time frame for them. The R goals cannot be based on a time frame but your personal changes that may lead to them can.

GH

[Mr_MD]

Amazing. Simply amazing. What a list! How can one top that!? I'm glad you were able to journal that here, PL...I can tell that it was at the very least cathartic for you!

In your anecdote, you mentioned that he let out a knowing chuckle at the fact that 2-months was about all your daughter could do with respect to her LDR. You noted that it had been two months since he last saw the OW. But did you notice that a few paragraphs later you mentioned the disbelief that he has been gone for two months (I assume you mean your separation).

Now this is interesting. You let your entire day crash around you (understandable, don't get me wrong hon!) on the assumption that he went all dreamy on you. But have you even once considered that his life for the last two months, living in a rented apartment, not having the luxuries of a stable, peaceful home, one that you provided for so long? Could it be even remotely possible that he was empathizing with both your daughter and your SHARED experience? What if he was actually trying to make a friendly, albeit obscure, gesture of peacemaking by having an understanding chuckle over your two months separation, and it is all that he can take? He may be infatuated over this woman, but I don't know any man who has had a good home who, after losing it, doesn't miss it in a very visceral way.

It took me MONTHS to adjust to my wife leaving for her year apart, and even then my habits were nothing short of college dormitory living and I would have traded that for anything. Honestly, it wasn't until I realized that my self-worth and healthy living was being dictated by the health of my marriage, and not by me, that I started to change my ways and develop better habits...cooking even! But guess what? That didn't start until she got home 15 months later!! haha

I completely associate with your immediate skepticism and 'think the worst' reaction. I can't possibly say that he DIDN'T mean her when he laughed. But goodness knows it's a whole lot better to 'act as if' it was intended for you Even if you are lying to yourself, maybe look at it that way and have a better day!

You are definitely living a full life. I'm very proud to know you in this small way, PL. You sound to be a highly successful person who has surrounded herself with friends, family and colleagues that are a timely support network that you sorely need. You remind me much about my Mom when she went through her divorce--so much strength, so much integrity of character, purity...you are a resounding example to everyone around you who must just stand back in awe at what you are facing and the pride and strength of which you face it. If there were more people in this world like you (and my Mom--yes, I'm a proud Mama's Boy through and through ) this world would be a healthier and happier place for sure.

I want those goals for you, my friend. I sincerely do. They are certainly comprehensive, but as you can surely tell, I'm a verbose individual so you can imagine my own journals which are chock full with just as much!!! One criticism, if I may be so bold (constructive only, promise!)...I only saw one example..the first of your "baby steps" list. (and perhaps the last) In the first you said, "This week". Putting a timeline on this sort of thing can be dangerous because it sets him up to fail. Same for the one about calling from Germany. And if he doesn't? Will this be a tailspin? a backslide? Avoid setting him up to fail--this will help you detach from the results of these goals as they can be met at any time in the future--all you have to have then is patience to wait.

That's all I'd say on that...all the rest is awesome. I'd like to share my favorite:

My H & I will discuss what happened, the areas where we were not "in integrity" and state our forgiveness to each other.

SO IMPORTANT. This resonated so much with me. I'm the communicator of my marriage. If I didn't bring up some of the issues/criticisms/complaints, things would NEVER get talked about and it would not open her floodgates to air out HER feelings on matters. It took a near disastrous marriage for me to realize and accept that my wife is a terrible communicator. I think she is finally beginning to realize this herself as we all cling to those funky caricatures of life where the man is always withdrawn and hates to talk and the woman blabs incessantly for hours about her feelings. Not so between us!!

My wife and I are finally starting to speak objectively about what we've been through in such a way that IS forgiving and safe. It is SO REFRESHING. Forgiveness is so needed after all is said and done. As you know a bit about my sitch, you know that right now I'm having a really hard time dealing with the 'resentment' stage as now we have started to reconcile and I'm beginning to have a chance to feel the hurt, rather than play through the pain out of necessity to save the marriage. You will find that without that needed forgiveness, it will feel like despair.

So that is one of the BEST goals to work for and provide. It starts with you. You have what it takes and you know exactly how to get there. Now all you need is a hug, a pat on the back, and friends to pick you up when you stumble.

We're here for you...

Tu buen amigo, Mr. MD.

PS. Dearest friend, please excuse me if I don't check in for the next couple weeks as I am away on business without i-net access. Could be worse, I'm going to Orlando for training...heck yeh, 80 degrees and a poolside resort two miles from the Magic Kingdom? And I'm getting paid for this??? hahaha....If I don't get back until then, I'll catch you on the flip, okay sweets?? HANG IN THERE...I'm pulling for you so much!!!

[PositivelyListening]

Hello Grasshopper (have I told you that I love your pen name? did you adopt it from Kung Fu?)

I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful post yesterday. I have thought on it quite a bit. Detachment, yes. One of my life lessons, that I seem to need to get over and over again. Lovingly detached is my goal. For me, this is life work. So I have been very attached, or at least for certain that was the case yesterday. Today was an improvement. Got through the day at work successfully and laughed a fair amount (a usual mainstay). Tonight I had a wonderful 70 minute phone call (while walking on my treadmill) with a very great and supportive long-time friend. He reminded me of things I know but occasionally forget: that I have a remarkable and amazing life, that I am truly blessed and watched over, that I am never alone, and that the universal God has always had my best interests at heart and still does. I am on a divine journey. Who can remain attached with that knowledge? It is only when I forget that I get obsessive and attached in my efforts to control the outcomes of my life, rather than trusting them. So, tonight, I am back in the presence of unconditional love and transformation. And I want to thank you for being my partner and planting that seed in your post.

Of course, I would rather travel this journey with my husband than without him. But I can not decide what is best for him - I do not get to choose his path for him. What there is for me to do is love him, love myself and my life, trust, and be patient.

Thanks for hanging in with me. I may need you, especially if I forget again :-) You are one of the wise angels here.

I liked your suggestion that I make a "short list". I am usually so comprehensive and thorough when I take something on, that sometimes I overdo as well as over analyze. It is a coping mechanism as I am seeking balance with all of the wildly swinging emotions. But balance is the key.

So the next two weeks, these are my behavioral goals:

Be patient, kind, and loving
Do not pursue, but respond with love
Be cute and fun and playful
Be generous, compassionate and understanding
Listen more, speak less
Speak softly and kindly when I do speak
Remember I am loved, always
Lovingly detach [it is about who I BE, not about creating an intended outcome]
Set times to get together on my schedule, not his, and be unavailable 50 % of the time

If I can be those for the next week, that would be something.

I'll let you know how it goes! Tomorrow night my H is coming over for dinner.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi my friend Mr_MD,

I will surely miss you while you are gone! I hope you have a wonderful trip. A getaway right about now could be so refreshing for you. I love work trips, hotel and food all paid for in some great location, where they make your bed and clean your room every day too. That's great - enjoy And I will really be looking forward to your contributions when you get back, as you are a touch stone for me on this journey.

I wanted to thank you in particular for the comment you made about the possibility that I had jumped to a conclusion without really having any idea what my H meant or what he was thinking. I notice when I am "off center" in particular that I just plain make stuff up. This used to bug my H too - he would say "what you make up!" when I would tell him where I had gone in my head with some innocent comment on my H's part. So that was a real issue in our communication, only made harder because I was an English major in college, and love the intricacies of language and often rely heavily on people's word and revel in the tiny nuances of that. My H on the other hand, I believe felt that I "had one up" on him in this regard, as he immigrated and did not speak english as his first language. I find him amazingly articulate and intelligent, but especially in an argument I do not think he was as quick as I was (and I am more the talker anyway). So I have been in a lot of inquiry about how this quick wordiness of mine was damaging to our relationship when misused. I did not listen enough. And more to the point, I did not check out if what was said was what I thought it meant. I wasn't asking, I was assuming and presuming. I have noticed recently that I do this a lot. I make stuff up. And it gets me in trouble.

So you wise mister doctor, caught my imperfection perfectly, and thank you. I am so grateful you are here. Sometimes I can't see for myself what others can offer so clearly and lovingly for my growth. I am most appreciative, and will slow down and ask questions when my H is here for dinner tomorrow night.

I will miss you, so have a great time, but hurry back!

[grasshopper]

o that was a real issue in our communication, only made harder because I was an English major in college, and love the intricacies of language and often rely heavily on people's word and revel in the tiny nuances of that.

Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? If not, it really helped me understand a lot of my communication issues. I am just like you. I am a writer and I value spoken/written language very much, while my W has little use for extensive dialog or the nuances of language. There is no language barrier (other than she speaks better than I do...lol...gotta love those Brits) but we just speak differently and often I find myself doing the very same thing. I make stuff up based on things she really didn't even say, and worse than that, I would then LIVE in the world as it existed in my head, as if everything I made up was real. It is part of a control issue where I used to make up scenarios about how things should go and if they didn't I would get frustrated, upset, whatever. In this case, I would convince myself that I understood what my W said, and really I don't think I ever listened well enough to have understood.

Now, I do better with not reading into things so much but it's hard. Like I said, the book helped me. If you have read it, maybe skim back over it again...

GH

P.S. Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm glad I can help. Oh, and I DID just get my Angel card in the mail. Who knew you got to buy underwear AND get a halo...lol.

[Free_To_Be_]

GH

Good comments on the languages, and the languages of the sexes--very different indeed. Different planets in fact--but too many fail to grasp that concept and keep transmitting in the language of THEIR world and wonder why they never connect communication wise.

All the best,

Free

[PositivelyListening]

Well, another day of DBing and I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself. Tonight my H came over for dinner. For those of you who are still living with your spouses, these events are perhaps no big deal in the course of a day. But for me, a lovely dinner with my H at home is such a special event. And, I made it special too. Planned the menu and shopped ahead, bought the same wine we drank at our wedding, and went to a restaurant to purchase his favorite dessert. Interesting how sharing that with the waitress at the restaurant can create a romantic "ahh..." when she sees me going out of my way to do that for my H. I do not know why in my last few years of our marriage, I was not generating those special occasions more often. It takes a little effort, but it's so fun. I guess I was just asleep and/or depleted. I also put on some of the music from our special bank of songs, including the one he chose for our wedding dance. Candles too, like every time he comes for dinner now. I'm not sure he notices all of the details, but I figure it's in his storehhouse somewhere, that perhaps unconsciously it connects with him that these times together are special.

He is still very affectionate and loving towards me. Kisses me, hugs me, hold my hand. It is not always me initiating, he also intitiates these moments. However, it seems that he is equally committed to pursue this affair he is having. What a frikkin' pain. He is leaving for Germany on Tuesday to see the OW.

He still thinks of this as his home, and says so. He loved my dinner. He is excited that I am going to Calgary where I will visit his brother and sister-in-law and nieces as well as my best friend, and has been bringing presents for me to bring them. However, he is not going with me because he is going to Germany to vists the OW instead. Of course his parents and his son are also in Germany and none of them will see him and don't know that he will be there. The OW is also keeping him a secret, as she is married and has children also. When do they wake up from this insanity? I guess, when they do.

Anyway, although I do not generally make relationship talk, I did say a few things to my H tonight. Although it did not seem like it changed anything that's about to happen, somehow I do feel like it was important and may enter his storehouse anyway. Here's what I said:

"I respect you too much to want to influence your decisions. But I need you to know that I want to trust you, and it is difficult to trust you as long as your relationship with her continues. And I need you to know how much the fact that you are continuing contact with her is hurting me."

Then I also said,

"I also want you to know that if you can forgive me for whatever it is that I said or did that hurt you and made you feel like you needed to step away from our relationship, that I know that I also will be able to forgive you for what has happened."

He seem moved by this, and tried to reassure me that I should not "beat myself up", that this whole situation was not about me, that I was perfect, and I couldn't be a better partner. I reassured him that I wasn't beating myself up, but that I could "see things". There was a lot of loving eye contact and hand holding during this time. I did also ask him to evaluate very carefully, as there was so much at stake. And he said, "I know".

When he initially arrived he said he was not feeling well, probably getting a cold - he had the shivers and a tightness in his chest - so needed to head off to bed early. After dinner, I offered to take care of him here (tuck him in, make him tea, etc.), which I think he liked, although he said I already had taken care of him with the great dinner, and he declined to stay. It will be interesting if he is sick before or on his trip, as I imagine the OW will have expectations for their time together which may end up feeling like pressure. Of course it is my hope that this trip does not re-kindle anything for him, but perhaps opens up some insights that the whole situation may not work for him. I pray that he will have insights like that.

Meanwhile, today I spoke with my sister-in-law on the phone about my upcoming trip to Calgary, when I will visit them as well as my best friend in two weeks. I have not spoken to them since my H moved out, so she had a lot of questions about how we were doing. I told my H that I would not be telling them about his affair, only that my H is "in an inquiry about his life, and trying to determine what will make him happy, including whether he wants to remain in our marriage". So, I did not break from that (as tempting as it is to get allies) but I DID tell her that my H was going to Germany next week (instead of to Calgary with me), and when she assumed that he was either going to visit his parents or his son, and I said "he's not going there, but you should really speak to HIM about it" I KNOW she got really curious and I am sure my brother-in-law will be calling my H to find out what the H*** is going on, since none of them know anything about our situation yet, as my H has been underground and on his own secret path for months.

So I do not know if this will work in my favor or not. Initially, I read that keeping up appearances is important for the spouse to feel comfortable to return. And also, that guilt does not always work in the LBS's favor. But at this point, I think my H is really torn and I am hoping he will begin to see that there is no future in pursuing the OW. Anyone have any experience with this? I did not lie, and I did not tell more than I said I would, but I know I have stirred the pot and upped the stakes a little. His family loves me, and I know they know that I love my H with all my heart. Is this OK, or did I over step - will it help or hinder? I suppose I will find out soon enough, but I am curious if any of you have experience with family conversations re: an affair.

My H mentioned that he is lucky to be "so abundant" to have a home (where I live right now - our home) and also a "room" (the one he is renting) - two homes basically. I can't tell if he is just trying very hard to put a positive spin on what is happening or what. It could be worse I suppose, even for me. Tonight, I shall finish off the remainder of the bottle of wine, the remainder of our dessert, and the remainder of the love music on the stereo. Tomorrow is another day. And on Sunday, he will actually visit again, just like the last two weeks in a row - his choice. Maybe he misses our home, or misses me Anyway, I have no problem putting fond recent memories of my cute self in his store house right before he leaves on his trip to see the OW. Right now, I will take the crumbs and make them into a feast.

Meanwhile, in case you are wondering if I am taking care of MYSELF, I had a GREAT day, with a chiropractic appt, lunch out, a massage and a counseling appt also built in. But I do like providing something for him as well as for me - it gives me pleasure and it was fun to plan our dinner. I have decided that I will be reevaluating our whole situation again in June. Between now and then, I am going to maintain my calm loving demeanor and allow as much contact as he would like as long as it truly works for me. (I did put him off a few times this week, which was good too) My daughter is graduating at the end of May, and that is the last family event we have planned for some time. If nothing has changed on his part by then, I may "go dark" for a while just to honor myself as this DBing is sometimes a lot of work! Even though I am hopeful that he will make a new plan for us together. Meanwhile, tonight anyway, was pure pleasure.

[oldtimer]

I'm sincerely curious.... What part of that did you think was DBing?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi oldtimer,

I am surely glad that you are following my thread. I have some cheerleaders, but you are the skeptic I believe who will keep me alert and questioning. And of course, I do not know if I am doing this right. I have been considering getting a coaching call to reassess, so I may do that this weekend. But I will be curious to hear your reactions to my response. BTW, I have read some of your comments to others, and I just want you to know, even if I end up seeing it differently from you at any point, I can take it straight, so feel free - truly - to tell me what you see. And I will appreciate your insights. I know you have been around here a while. And I really do want to save my marriage.

So here's where I have been at in my thinking/strategy: 2 1/2 months ago, my husband announced his affair and I asked him to move out immediately. Got the DBing books a few days later. Had a few conversations with my H, who was mostly closed down, distrustful and resentful of me. Big wall up. However, I was able to figure out during those early conversations (as I had already softened my tone and demeanor) that the side of me he was resenting was how strong and independent I am. And I realized that I had also become very worried about finances and somewhat of a nag about incompleted house projects during the last year or so. I had also let myself go physically (wasn't exercising, had gained some weight, clothes had gotten "old lady"). He had been under a lot of pressure, was clearly feeling inadequate and suffering from low self-esteem. I believe he is in the midst of MLC. He described the OW as "loving, very loving". So I took a good hard look at the ways in which I had not been loving or respectful to him and saw what a toll this had taken on our marriage. My husband is actually a very emotionally sensitive man, and sometime (a year ago?) I think he just gave up trying to please me and withdrew. He was really resentful and pissed off and hurting 2 1/2 months ago. Last night he said I was "perfect, couldn't be a better partner" and that this situation was not about me. So, I have been very successful in turning his negative impressions of me around during these months of separation. I used to be angry easily and quick to express it. Now I am gentle and soft and calm and patient when I speak. I used to talk a lot. Now there is a lot more silence when we are together. I didn't used to listen to him well. Now I listen and focus on him, and do not jump right in with something about me. Sometimes when he asks me questions, I do not give him the answer, especially if he drifts off to another topic, I don't bring it back to me. I wait for him to notice (or not). I am being very patient, and I was truly not very patient with him before. I saw it as a big breakthrough about 1 month ago when we had lunch, and he asked me how I was doing for the first time since the reveal of the affair. Prior to that moment, he had indicated no interest in how I was doing or feeling whatsoever. And now he asks about my life and my day and how I am every time he sees me. The OW is apparently some kind of victim in her life (her husband is mean, kids don't respect her, she works hard and no one appreciates her, etc.) so although I will not be a victim, I have been looking at ways to express that my H is important to me, and that I have a vulnerable side (as opposed to all strength and competence). Last night for example, I asked if he would be willing to leave his truck at our house while he is away. He wasn't planning on this, and had already arranged to drive to the airport and park it there, so asked me why. I gave him 2 reasons - 1) I have some things in the garage I'd like to donate and get out of there, and 2) I have been uncomfortable since he has been gone, feeling vulnerable since it seems obvious that I am alone here alot now, and having the truck there would give out the impression at least for a few days that he is near. It was emotional for me to say this. Well, # 1 didn't carry much weight with him, but #2 had him going for a good 7 minutes about how he might be able to work out getting to the airport, there might be a shuttle, he'd call around in the morning to look into it, etc., etc. So my take is that he needs to feel needed, and if he gets that I need him (without pressure but just that he's got the ticket to meeting my needs) and if I acknowledge and appreciate him whenever I can, then I think these new (or forgotten) behaviors will have an impact. I am trying to be the person he fell in love with, the one who let go and became vulnerable because he was safe. Now I realize that some of this is an "act as if" because of course I am not sure anymore if he IS safe right now. So I am observing too. But I need to believe he is going to come through for me, and treat him like the positive outcome is imminent, right? So far, I think progress has been made, anyway.

However, I could use advice from you and/or others regarding some of my obviously weaker (less natural) areas of my strategy. I am past the crisis of the complete lock down of his heart, and he has warmed up and opened up to me in friendly ways. So it seems like some 180's are in order. Because he is leaving however, and won't be here, I was thinking I would be as consistent as I have been until he returns. I suppose I could be busy as could be and give him less attention on Sunday when he comes, as opposed to my usual way of being when anyone leaves for a trip around here, where I am the send-off queen. But I am not sure the timing is right for me to be more aloof/mysterious. Your thoughts? He will be housesitting at our home while I am on my trip after he returns and we will only have 1 1/2 days in between at that point. So while I am gone, he will be germinating in our home with our photos and memories and the natural beauty of our yard on the heels of his visit to the OW and a short return to his rented room by the freeway. I think space in our home without me especially when I have been truly perfect could work in my favor. Last time he stayed here alone (after the reveal), he cried the whole weekend he was here without me, thinking about our relationship. And, when I am gone, I will be having a great time, visiting friends and his family. I will be gone over Easter, and I usually make a big deal about holidays and I will be leaving him alone. I did get him some cards (from me the dog and the cat) but considering how it usually is, that will be a skeleton. I will make sure to make colored eggs and my famous amazing Easter Sunday potato salad while I am away and tell him about it and everything else we did with the family and friends when I return. We did Easter with his son two years ago, and we were in the process of immigrating his son to the US when the affair information came out. Right now his son won't talk to him too. So it feels like his life choices are giving him some feedback. I have a very full life, wonderful friends, school. But what other kinds of 180's might be needed here? I was thinking after my trip, if I see no movement towards reconcilliation, that I would then step back, let him know I am "thinking things through" etc. I am trying very hard to be aware of the importance of timing, as I have never paid much attention to that - I have always just gotten things done and forged ahead. He has often been a few steps behind me in his "process time" so I wanted to make sure I had really sunk in as the loving spouse before I surprise him with too much mystery. It wouldn't have mattered what I did a few months ago, he was so far out the door. In my past, I have ended relationships promptly and swiftly, and never looked back (they weren't marriages, of course). But all of my ex relationships always wanted to come back, way after I was DONE. I am trying to hold the space for my husband. But detaching and still being loving? That is tough to do.

OK Oldtimer, have at it! Waht do you see?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH,

I have been thinking about what you said related to control issues

I make stuff up based on things she really didn't even say, and worse than that, I would then LIVE in the world as it existed in my head, as if everything I made up was real. It is part of a control issue where I used to make up scenarios about how things should go and if they didn't I would get frustrated, upset, whatever. In this case, I would convince myself that I understood what my W said, and really I don't think I ever listened well enough to have understood.

I never realized that in a sense my PMA, inflicted upon others, is a control issue. One of my daughters is currently furious with me and not speaking to me (my former foster daughter, who came to live with me when she was 15). She is 25 now, but extremely upset about my H's behavior and choice to have an affair. She of course has her own issues related to attachment and abandonment, and as she had taken on my H as her dad when we married (age 18 for her), she is unforgiving, and sees his infidelity to me as a betrayal of her trust. She is furious with me for making efforts and being committed to support reconciliation, but particularly furious at me for not being emotionally supportive of her current stated decision to "divorce him as her father".

Anyway, I have a lot of scenarios right now of how things should go, and most of them aren't happening right now. In the past, I have always considered myself a very powerful being in the world, in that usually whatever I hold in my heart and mind to show up usually does show up in my life. I have always lived an extraordinary life. I have always said "Life is great!" and really meant it. But right now, I have no alignment from anyone in my family, and it feels like my family is falling apart and I just can't fix it this time. Life doesn't feel so great. For me, there is nothing more important to me than the people in my life, and the message I am getting from each of them individually is that I am trying to control them and the outcome of who we are as a family. Well yes, I have a picture of how I want the members of my family to treat each other. We had agreements. And those agreement when kept, worked. We have always been so much fun together, until now.

I raised my girls with House Rules and House Values posted on the wall, which included things like honesty, integrity, and respect with behavioral examples of how that would look and what to do. Of course my H did not follow these rules/values when he had his secret affair, and the family upset is pretty huge since he's not sharing any significant remorse yet and is still continuing the affair. So there's a lot of pressure on me to draw the line with my H outside the circle.

So what's control (and being overly controlling) and what's just healthy living with agreements and values? And how do you DB when someone's behavior doesn't fit your values or definition of healthy relating? My view has been that he is my HUSBAND, and even though he behaved badly, and may not be "healthy" by my definitions right now, he deserves my respect and understanding while he figures himself out. But I worry how long this will take, what the fall out for the rest of my family might be while he's not following the rules and values we all respect, etc.

Finally, my other daughter (my biological daughter, also 25) is thinking she will not be able to include my H in her graduation festivities in May because the other daughter won't come if he's there.` I am afraid this will make everything worse, not better. I know I am upset about it now. But it's her graduation. But NONE of this fits my picture, I can assure you. And yes, I have been wanting to fix it, but it is apparently not mine to fix. That is tough news for me in my life, I can usually manage and fix anything. All of this defies everything I have ever wanted for my family life. This is definitely the most difficult challenge we have ever faced as a family, and the unhappiest and most difficult situation I have ever dealt with (and I've had lots of challenges). But this one has me on my knees.

We're all adults, but the gals are definitely relating to this as a father/mother heartbreak, and their age doesn't make them immune to the pain. We have always been a very close, loving and happy family until the reveal of my H's affair (although he was distant and preoccppied once the affair started 5 months earlier, and we all thought he was just working too much). My H states he doesn't want to walk away from the family, but truth is, they won't have him if he walks out on me. They are struggling with maintaining respect for him right now, and I even struggle with that.

Today I went down a fear tunnel about the finances. oldtimer said something to me in my thread about how the average affair costs $25000 per year, so I got fixated on that today and started looking into the bank statements to see if I could get a handle on what his affair is costing. Well, it's costing $650/mo for a rented room, about $450/mo in phone costs (that was a shocker) and a plane ticket, rental car etc. to Europe approximately every 2 months ($1100 approx). So all told, monthly average cost for his affair is $1650/mo which ends up being about $20,000 per year. So oldtimer was right in the ball park. And now of course, I want HIM to become aware of these costs on top of the emotional ones.

The hardest part about DBing is that is not my job to be the provider of rational information anymore. RIGHT? So I want to check this out, is that RIGHT? If I am committed to my marriage, am I just supposed to wait until he figures this stuff out? Because there is no doubt that I was always the financial analyst in our marriage, making little charts and goal sheets and spending plans etc. and that was part of the pressure he was feeling when he became the WAS he currently is. I was also the emotional/communication leader. I just move fast/faster, and he takes more time to process. That I know. I don't believe my husband is a bad guy, and I don't believe his intention is to harm me financially in any way. But he is not awake, he is in LaLa Land and the ultimate fantasy as part of the continuation of the affair. It doesn't seem like DBing allows for me to be the one to burst his bubble. So are these costs just part of what I have no control over, and I need to suck it up and make peace with that? How will I be able to respect and trust him later, as these issues add up? Is there an appropriate time and way to confront concrete rational issues of concern? And not be the one controlling the scene and always being the wake up call for others? I want my H to WAKE UP!! Is this just a patience issue?