how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, every "up" seems to be followed by a "down". Sometimes the smallest tiniest things start such a slide. I used to like rollercoasters! Currently, a nice slow flat walk on the beach (like I had today) is the only thing for me.

Last night I talked to my H on the phone, briefly. It was sweet at the start, he still calls me honey, sweetheart and such, and he was a little sleepy relaxed on the phone which I find very cute and is one of the things amongst 1000 other things, that I miss. He seemed really happy to hear from me (I called), as I have learned he seems to enjoy the periodic reassurances from me and acknowledgements from me, which defies some of the techniques I thought would be helpful to my situation. But since I have discovered that he was really low and vulnerable in his MLC, the reading I have been doing has led me to believe what he is getting from her is what he needs more of from me. So I have been very loving and charming and soft and kind, although trying to keep a balance of not pursuing (which is often hard to guage). I like me better this way too, it is not all for him. I am learning!~ However, sometimes I feel so vulnerable to his fickle moods too. In any case, at one point during the phone conversation I mentioned that my daughter is going to visit her long distance boyfriend this week, and that it has been about 2 months since they saw each other which they have determined is just about as long as they can manage. He let out a laugh, and said an overly enthusiastic "I know". You see, as soon as I commented on my daughter's situation, I realized that it has been exactly 2 months since he has seen the OW, and he is flying out this week also. There was this moment on the phone where he just went away, and my stomach turned with that feeling of knowing he is all infatuated and caught up in this affair, and the conversation between us was just gone and the phone call ended pretty quickly after that although I did keep my cool with him. But I was in the place of I can hardly bear it, and worse I even felt like I put myself there even though it was a totally innocent conversation initially. It feels like there are all of these reminders of the OW's existence, and I am haunted. In any encounter with my H, there is a good possibility something will trigger a reminder of the OW's presence, even though I do not ever intentionally bring her up. And it disturbs me greatly. How can anyone choose to do this to another human being?

So this little incident, this almost unnoticeable change in his tone, these two words spoken by my H, and I fell down. Lost so much sleep, woke up so upset I could barely get myself up and to work. Cried so much at work and at lunch and was unable to pull myself together. My H left me a message on my cell (the tax preparer says our forms are all done, what should he do?) and after 2 hours I managed to call him, asked him to pick them up and bring them over on Friday night when we will also have dinner together and sign them. He noticed I "sounded tired" and I said there was a lot going on at work. However, I proceeded to cry in my office afterwards also, to the point that I finally took 3 hours sick time as I was getting nothing done, and crawled out of there (with my sweet staff thinking "what can we do for her?") and I came home and cried another hour or so. Finally checked in here for a bit, then took a nice long walk on the beach with the dog, cried at the beach, coming and going, and now here I am, back here again.

I am usually very together. I am usually the one everyone else comes to for guidance. I have a background in counseling, coaching, and educational advising and I am enrolled in a PhD program in Human Development for God's sake. But this emotional upheaval, this betrayal and the aftermath, is beyond anything I have ever dealt with. I am humbled, beyond beyond beyond.

So I dunno what else there is to do. I feel like my life is already busy and full, I have friends and family who love me. I journal, I have counseling, I get a massage every week right now, I have all of you. But my life feels so unbearably empty and alone, and every white truck going by (do you know how many white trucks there are in the world?) has me looking for my husband. I can't believe he has spent two months away, and there is no sign of plans to return, and on top of that he is all giddy with excitement to go visit the OW and I just want to know how could he not MISS ME?

So, if this is about grief, I am definitely grieving. If I could fix this right now (I am so good at fixing things too!) I would certainly have it fixed. Nothing matters more to me than my marriage right now. And I can't help but feel so badly for everything I said or did that hurt my H and made him feel like he had to go away instead of telling me what he needed. You see, we are perfect for each other - I have fear of abandonment issues, and he has fear of intimacy issues So here we are in the mud.

I am thinking my friend Mr_MD asked me to write out my relationship goals, which I have in my Solutions Journal. Action Steps, Behavioral changes, something to DO - that should help! I thought it would be good to put them here - then you can all align with me too, and I won't feel so alone. Right? Also perhaps you will have some feedback for me, which would be VERY good. Maybe my goals are too lofty? I want to believe I can have this, it's what I want. I have Relationship Goals, Specific Actions I am looking for that would indicate a change of heart, then the "Thinking small/baby steps" I am looking for during the next two weeks, and then of course the Actions for me that I will be taking that will hopefully cause these changes to occur . So here they are:

Relationship Goals:
I want my H to choose to be married to me, and to recommit to our marriage.

I want my H to return to living with me in our home.

I want my H to choose to end the affair and relationship with the O.W.

I want honesty, trust, commitment and open communication to be the cornerstones of our marriage.

I want us to enjoy time together, and to have fun.

I want balance in how we spend our time and energy.

I want us to laugh together, often.

I want great sex, sexual attraction and passion in our relationship.

Specific Actions that would indicate movement towards our marriage:

My H would show romantic interest in me (buy me flowers, write me a card, make me a music CD, plan a surprise for me, do something generous/impulsive)

My H will spend the night with me at our house in our bed.

My H would say that he wants our marriage to work.

My H will end the relationship with the O.W., and will share his feelings with me about that.

My H will be open to, and excited about, flirtations and sexual advances from me.

My H will show sexual attraction to me, and will act on it.

My H will create and share future plans for us as a couple, and for our family together.

My H & I will enjoy doing fun activities together (dining out, plays, movies, dancing, horseback riding, whale watching, etc. - the sky is the limit)

My H & I will discuss what happened, the areas where we were not "in integrity" and state our forgiveness to each other.

My H will tell me ILY.

My H will make plans with me to return home.

My H & I will create action steps to benefit our marriage, and discuss them regularly together.

"Thinking small" - the baby steps I am looking for in the next two weeks which will tell me if my behaviors are working:

My H will call me at least 3 times on the phone this week
My H will ask to spend time with me (non-work, non-business - fun time)
My H will rehang the photo of me in his workshop, and will tell me he did that.
My H will acknowledge that he is still attracted to me.
My H will continue to use endearments with me (sweetheart, honey, darling)
My H will express doubts about the relationship with the O.W.
My H will compliment my appearance.
My H will hug, kiss and cuddle with me when the opportunity arises.
My H will express curiousity about something new I am doing.
My H will say that he misses me.
My H will share his worries with me, and will feel more connected and closer to me afterwards.
My H will call me at least once while he is away in Germany.

Actions/Behaviors FOR ME:
Keep busy!
Be mysterious and surprising
Be patient
Exercise and self-care
Be happy, be positive
Respond but don't pursue
Enjoy the peace & quiet & space
Walk on the beach w/ my dog and friends
Organize all of my educational program paperwork
Do something new and different
Pay attention tomy appearance
Be fun, playful, sexy, spontaneous
Speak softly, be confident.
Keep phone calls you make to him to a minimum
Be unavailable at least 50 % of the time
Be happy, be light
Make plans with others to go out work nights and weekends
Focus on myself, my needs and my wants
Be less predictable
Be very cute and friendly
Have a great life, and share about it
Stay centered, and love myself
Laugh!!
Stay interested, but cool
Be loving, but not overly enthusiastic

And then, my final notes:

DO NOT PURSUE!
DO NOT INITIATE!
DO NOT BACKSLIDE! (no anger, no neediness)
DO NOT GIVE UP!

Anything worth having is something worth waiting for!

So my friends, let me know your thoughts. For now, back to bed, and journaling some more. Thanks for being here.