how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello OldTimer and my old friend Mr_MD,

Well it was certainly exciting today to come home and see so much attention and thoughtfulness related to my situation. The thing I am feeling the best about right now, is the dawning realization that I actually will find inside of myself what is best for me, out of the kind dialogue and caring concern of people like you. I think I am beginning to get the hang of what I need to be doing here. God bless you both.

So, where I am on all this is relatively simple. I have decided that all steps motivated by fear will not serve me, and that negative action will generate more of the same in return. Likewise unconditional love and positive regard will generate the same (and more of that!). It is the realm I must live in, it is the only solace I have. Otherwise, the world makes no sense to me at all. If it turns out I am terribly wrong, I would rather be wrong and die penniless than be wrong in witholding love (in every way, including trust re: material possessions) from my chosen partner. Now does that scare the living daylights out of me sometimes? you bet. But along with patience, I am developing courage - feel the fear, but do it anyway - because if it matches my values and my personal goals for reconcilliation with my husband, then it is all there is to do.

My dad left my mom after 35 years of marriage, for a 37 year old woman. He never even came back to get his clothes or his shoes, but the accounts got emptied and my mom lost their home in the divorce. She later ended up developing Alzheimer's disease, and living with my daughter and I (I was a single mom) until she passed away in 1994. Now, I suppose you might say I had a difficult time forgiving my dad. I never saw him again either, and I was 24 when he left, and had always adored him. I actually had never liked my mom that well either - too many power struggles between us. So shifting to being responsible for her well being, and having the patience to repeat myself over and over again to answer her sweet but forgetful mind, knowing it felt like the first time for her each time she asked, well what can I say? That was good preparation for the patience I will also need today. I never would have appreciated and loved my mom the way I did if my dad hadn't left. She was a total blessing in our lives during the time she lived with us, and it taught me some amazing lessons about faith, patience and humility. This week, my dad has been coming up a lot for me. Came up in counseling last week, so that was my homework, to mull on some of this a bit more. I have decided that my daughter, my mom, and I all got the better deal. I do not know what personal hell he may have gone through at the end of his days, or maybe he actually got a final stab at what he had considered to be lifelong elusive happiness. But I do know that he has taught me to value the people in my life all the more, because for one reason or another, they are not here forever.

Anyway, regarding the finances and trust and my husband and all that, all I can say is that I love my husband, and I want him to come home. I will not do anything right now to make that harder than it already will be, if he ever wakes up from the grand illusion fogland he is in. I have been reading "When your mate wants out" by Sally and Jim Conway, and I am sure they are on to something. Although it is a bible-based book and my spiritual leanings are much more ecclectic, the wisdom is powerful and it resonates with me. My husband is not a bad guy. Unfortunately, he is just caught up in a really heated affair that has him all in a twist. Makes me want to puke, and I hate it. But here's the deal. If I let my emotions run away with ME right now, then I'll be just as crazy as he is at the moment. So, I just won't go there. I don't even have keys and locks where I live :-) and truth is, if he came over in the middle of the night, I'd be thrilled :-) I wish.

I was the controlling one in our relationship. I didn't mean to be, but frankly I've always been so damned in charge and so competent at everything, how in the world was there ever room for him, for him to show up and take charge and be the man he really intends to be? This is my last shot at getting it right with him, and for me. I'm up to this. I am letting him decide, him call the shots, him make this right again. I will take care of myself. If he leaves, I keep the house and he keeps his business. His affair is getting funded right now through his business, and I could tap into that account on-line if I needed to, and honestly I am much savier computer-wise and financially. I have to watch myself to be the generous loving person I realy am, and not to allow the fear, greed, pride, or resentment to take over. I'm just not going to let the finances run me, naive as I may be (or not.) I'm going to catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar, I say. I must learn this lesson or I will for sure be doing it alone. Alone and in charge, I'm good at. It's true love and partnership I want to master. And yes, I am being tested big time.

However, so far, we have plans for him to install 7 windows, re-side the house, clean the garage with me, and house-sit for me while I take a vacation. He's actually contemplating taking a trip with me this summer, and we will be attending my daughter's graduation in May together, staying in the same hotel room. I was the one that asked him to move out when I found out about the affair, and as much as I want him to come home, I need to see the affair peeter out first. Meanwhile, he's living in a rented room with a thrice-divorced guy that drinks too much on the weekends. He comes over here to work in the office and get an occasional home-cooked meal, and see my sweet and sexy self. I don't know how long I can do this. I am hoping and praying that next week while he is with the OW, that he will see who she really is and think at least a little about who I really am. I believe to the bottom of my heart that my husband is my partner and my lifelong companion, and if he leaves me, I believe he will be in a lot more pain than me in the end. I really believe in him and believe in our marriage. Stay tuned next week :-) But I am just feeling the PMA tonight.

BTW, I had dinner with a friend tonight and this may have helped. She has been married 12 years, and she had an affair at the 5 year mark, like my H. She really helped me get into his head, and understand the crazy feelings she had of being "in love" with this other person. She had all her reasons, and it was all so false for her later. She reassured me, to please hang in there. I say this for all of us. It saddens her so much that she hurt her husband the way she did. They have actually found some humor around it now, believe it or not, but it still hurts too. Since her husband is now heading into MLC and she is a strong in-charge woman, I encouraged her to read Divorce Remedy now as preventative medicine for her guy who is beginning to withdraw from it all. But her feedback was so important to me. I am hanging in.

I have not experienced ANYONE yet who has told me that the partner who had the affair didn't want to return later. Every person I know who has knowledge of someone who has had an affair, has told me that s/he has chosen and wanted to return to the marriage. Often, the left behind partner has "moved on", and it was "too late". What a sad sad thing. Patience, I say. I can do this. I know when my husband comes home, our relationship will be better than ever. Watch me. I'm hangin' in.