Once again I must reassert that you are an extraordinary person in that through all this you really DO have it figured out. You actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND what you must do, but you struggle with, like everyone else here, battling your emotional responses. You are fighting the urge to be reactionary rather than visionary. You have a vision--a goal--for your marriage, and you know as good as anyone here how to get there...obviously, being a reactionary is detrimental in this case.
But oh if I could sometimes listen to myself!!! HOW HARD IT IS.
After two solid weeks of keylogging and p*ssing the heck out of my W because I learned her passwords every time she changed them, and then getting her emails...if there is anyone on this board who has the art of espionage down to a science (sadly, it's something that an electronics man knows by education, haha), it's me.
I'm conversational in Spanish, but that doesn't mean I catch everything said in an email between my W and TOM because of the amount of slang and common usages present. Babelfish, as mentioned already, became a friend....but it comes with a WARNING:
online translators have a keen sense of translating verbatim, word for word, without any context or understanding of the text. Cultural idiosyncracies fail to show through. For example, a word meaning one thing in English may have a close meaning in German, but is ultimately nuanced to mean something that could mean a lot less. Languages are a hobby of mine and even I can't catch these nuances, and it has led me down some VERY DARK TUNNELS full of nasty demons. Did the phrase, "I denied having sex with you" mean she just didn't tell me she had sex with him and she did, or did it mean she never did and was denying it ever happend??? See what that nuance can do to a person???
It was complete self destruct. I still have that email stored somewhere in hopes that one day I can go through it with her, but I still struggle as to if that will do any good, if not to just set the record straight.
PL, I am still struggling. I spent years in the 'internet underground' where I was highly involved with illegal software trading, hacking, phreaking, data mining...you name it. I am a 'pseudo'expert at finding info. If I can't find something about someone, I know spooky people who can. But even then, I haven't had to resort to anything at that level simply because I have most of the information I need.
But I still struggle because I 'have' the capability, and it's a temptation so powerful if anyone struggles with it I can surely understand. This week even, I am waiting on a phone call from a duty-free store in Dallas International to explain a $200 charge on my shared credit card. As I've said, my W has gone down to Costa Rica for the week, and that charge has me beside myself.
SELF DESTRUCT. I can preach it, but I can't practice nearly so easily. I hope you can have more strength than I for your sake!!!
Listen to RB and GH, they are dead on. At least you know the truth, despite the pain it is causing you. You aren't gaining anything by reading the email. We are both in envious positions, you and I. I am envious that you have it all in front of you spelled out--you know what you are dealing with. You are envious of me because my W has indicated that she's all about working out and is definitely falling back in love. But I can speak for myself that a great impediment I'm having is not knowing the whole story and it's a resentment that is growing rapidly and dangerously.
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Now I wanted to address Oldtimer's reply. OT, I greatly respect your posts from what I've read in the past so I'm hoping that my respect can show through in my disagreement, as I don't intend this to be in any way, shape, or form, offensive! But again, I am not sure I agree. This could be because I'm naive (I'm not afraid of that term, so if you feel I am, please share) but let me respond in hopes of generating more discussion:
Quote: 1) Copy the file and put it in a safe place in case you need it.
Good idea. No problems here.
Quote: ) Tell H he cannot keep using his computer in your home. He crossed a boundary and you need to protect yourself by respecting yourself.
Here's when I start to get uncomfortable. The sentiment I hear loud and clear. I have to go back to the question: "Will this bring me closer to my goal?" It seems that this kind of boundary setting is borderline an emotional response rather than a rational proactive one. Hear me out...
When I learned that TOM (the other man) was calling my W frequently, I wanted with all my might to set a clear established boundary, since it is nothing short of abuse to have him calling. It is highly inappropriate and we all know this. We are justified in setting that boundary no doubt, but does it help? I'm not convinced. What I did instead was to at first encourage it. It was a 180. My W did not know what to do with that info. I told my W in no unclear terms that I was more concerned that she was happy and that if he was a friend and wanted to call him, then go ahead. A week later, I took another step. I told her that it "hurt me a great deal to have him calling her at home." I reiterated that I can't control her relationship with him, but I demonstrated that her behavior was destructive as it was really hurting me.
The point I wish to make here is that it is without a doubt imperitive that you remove the reasons your partner has for being with this other person. Control is a major factor. While we are certainly justified in setting up these boundaries, telling my wife that she must not talk on the phone with him would just be perceived as a method of manipulation or control, which is EXACTLY what they would need to justify their behavior.
I believe in this case the more appropriate action in DBing would be to detach from that activity, and then share to her H that his actions hurt her, all the while being supportive of his need to sort all this out. It seems like asking the impossible, but this sort of thing is not a show-stopper such as physical abuse or drug-alcohol addiction where boundaries must be clearly stated and established. This is a relational issue where PL must swallow some of the ol' pride that she is certainly entitled to have and justified, and let this activity slide. This will allow her H to make the choice for himself, rather than having it made for him. That's the entire key to this mess. Most people who have affairs are looking to absolve themselves by having another person make their choices. They either want their spouse to ditch them or give them justification for why they cheated in the first place. Remove that and they are left holding the bag and wondering, why did I ever cheat??
Quote: 3) Remove yourself from any shared credit cards so that you are not responsible for the costs of his A. (Average cost, $25,000 I believe.) (Trust me, the old promises about supporting you through grad school, if made, in all likelihood will be broken.)
That seems extreme as well to me. It signals to him that she is cutting off. This seems like it would fit under the "last resort technique". Yet PL has indicated that although her H is confused, he does not wish for a divorce. I'm concerned that this sends the wrong message, as it would once again provide justification for him to say, "see, it's over, she's starting to pack up the relics of our marriage, starting with our financial ties...maybe divorce is the only resolution".
Finances are a tough topic that I don't feel comfortable advising on. It must be a personal decision as the risk is great. For me, at 26, I am young and successful enough to rebound if I make a bad decision. My mother, however, got nothing from her divorce (our family really had nothing) and at 55 with chronic health issues starting to materialize is in a world of hurt on the retirement future. These issues must all be considered so I don't want to hedge my bet in any way here...I just urge caution.
Quote: 4) Change your locks or ask for his keyes before he takes his trip. He is no longer acting like your H and should not have access to your home as if he is your H.
This to me sounds too much like an emotional response to anger. However justified this is, it doesn't put out the 'welcome mat' for the marriage. Right now he is confused, not stupid. He isn't either convinced he wants out, either. If he was signalling that he wanted out under no uncertain terms, then giving him exactly that would be warranted and I'd be more supportive of this decision. However, he's not. He's weighing both sides in an excruciating fashion. PositivelySexay is not being a doormat either for doing all this. She is being the one in control, in the drivers seat. It takes a lot of mental/moral/emotional courage to do what she's doing and she will be better for it. In the end she will get to say, "I did all that I could for this marriage and he is a sucker for not taking the unconditional love when it was there"...I EMPHASIZE that it is UNCONDITIONAL...meaning that at least for now, she just takes the licks on the chin. It sucks, but if she wants it to weather and things to come back, putting the deadbolt on the door is not going to help this!!
Quote: 5) If you can't stand not reading the emails, don't involve a friend. Use Babelfish. 6) Spend more time hanging out with your fellow grad students and enjoy school.
Both good advice. Don't bring in 3rd parties to do your snooping! And definitely enjoy your friendships.
PL, what is your degree program?? I'm excited to hear that you are working on a PhD...are you almost finished? What's your dissertation about??
Oldtimer, again, I respect you greatly and hope that I haven't set your teeth on edge all that much. I can agree to disagree and have nothing at all against you personally! I hope you feel the same!
