how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Mr_MD,

You wrote me such a beautiful post to me, and I promise I will read it again in a little bit, after I have pulled myself together. But I am freaking out right now, because I snooped. My husband's computer and office are still here in our house and have been since he moved out, and he even told me a month ago that he had been e-mailing the OW during the "secret" months before he moved out, and he was really defensive at the thought that I might have looked at his stuff at that time (which I hadn't which then seemed to make him feel better). I was determined that I would not snoop too even after this revelation. Also, I don't speak much of the language (German, BTW, since you asked) So I have been careful not to go into his Outlook e-mail. But tonight my H came over, in and out within 1/2 hour while I was on a conference call for my school (doctoral) program, so we did not even get a chance to speak. I have been feeling lately like he is not dropping in to do office work, but to make her love music on CD's to take on his trip next week, and to e-mail her. It's just a gut feeling, but he came over yesterday while my daughter was here and although he said he was here to do work he spent most of the time here cheerily hunting around in itunes. I asked him the night he moved out not to leave anything about her here, or to have any contact with her from here. It was a boundary I felt I needed and he said OK, and supposedly took everything related to her out of the house that night. I am very intuitive and sensitive, and can feel the energy on things. I could even tell which items he missed taking the first round. (This was all before my DBing awareness, might have done it differently now although it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Right now I feel like setting the office on fire). Anyway, tonight I checked out his computer and looked into the "recent documents". Found a work estimate labeled IW & a 2004 date (her initials, I believe - all of the other estimates have full names and are more recent in the recent docs) and yes, after the cover page (a fake estimate) and three blank pages, there in all it's glory are all of the OW's little cryptic e-mail messages to him saved in a running word document since August 2005 when the affair started. Most recent ones are dated earlier this month. My stomach is turning, I am sick. I have read some of your posts, so I know you have snooped before. I could throw up. Now what do I do? I want to have them translated by a friend who speaks German so I can get into her head and his head. I have no idea what I am really dealing with. But I also don't want to know. The "Ich liebe dich" started way back in September, and that I understand. It is so sickening to be faced with the reality of the deceptions and the timing of them - holidays, my birthday, etc. Acting like he was my husband (distant though he was) all the while. Gave me a b-day card in November saying we were soul mates. But in January announcing that we weren't that he was in love with someone else. (And as the paper trail indicates, for months and months she's been ILYing him). I realize I have violated his privacy, and I am not big on keeping secrets myself. That is not what I usually do. I have always been an open and honest person. But I admit I am going crazy here wondering if he really is the wonderful man I married, or a bold-faced manipulative liar with no conscience. Oh man, thanks for letting me vent. This is the man I kissed and called sweet face just a few days ago. What an emotional rollercoaster. So, do I shred it all without finding out what they say? Will it help me in any way to know if he doesn't tell me himself? If I don't really understand what's in them right now and I don't have them translated and I stop now, will I still need to tell him what I found? Or maybe just that I found them and I didn't like it and that I didn't go any further, but it really hurt me? Maybe that could work.

You or anyone else out there: Please tell me everything you know about DBing as it relates to snooping. I will set these e-mails aside for now. I'll put them out of my space. I hate the fact that my husband has had an affair. And I hate even more that he is continuing it. He is leaving in 7 days to go to visit her. They are going to sneak around over there, and her husband and kids could one day feel like me and my kids. And I am supposed to tell him to have a good time and that's it and really mean it? That will take some practice in the mirror in advance. Oh, sh**. I need some advice, but will also think on this.

Thanks,