Quote: The sadness has been huge for me lately. I remain positive and upbeat around the H most of the time, but in my own world when he's not around, I cry 3 - 5 times each day. I am keeping busy with work, school, friends and activities, but it all feels so superficial sometimes. I want my H to come home, and it feels such a long way off. I still see it as possible though, that he will return - that gives me hope. It is truly a "one day at a time" endeavor.
It's so rough, isn't it? I believe that a lot of this emotion comes from working your a$$ off so hard to the point where you lose yourself to exhaustion. You are a performer, meaning you put on a mask of positivity and kettle your negativity, sadness, resentments until you are alone, when you can release and vent it all out. As my mom is apt to say, "Divorce is the best weight-loss program"...this is no different. I've cut weight too, although by most standards I'm a lean individual to begin with, but I was getting 'healthy' up to 190 or so, but through all this I've lost a great deal of that. It's cool because it makes you more physically attractive to the partner you are trying to rescue!! haha
All I wanted to say to this was keep your chin up--I know your pain and feel it. You are among friends here
Quote: But he seems unable to cut it off right now. When does he wake up and smell the coffee, that he is someone else's joy ride, that he is being used - and actually has a really wonderful choice that he seems to be ignoring - me?
I've been struggling with this even though my situation has her cutting off her relationship with TOM. It's hard for me to tell you this because it is almost depressing, but once you have accomplished your first goal of getting him to dump her on her butt, the next goal will be the battle of your own resentment and trust. I'm going through a WICKED depression right now--my mind is constantly dwelling on my resentments and it is making it a struggle to keep up the positive changes I have brought. It's just one more step in the process. But it's better now. I know all that is a depressing sentiment (that it isn't going to get better soon) but it's important for you to focus on your timeline and accept it as a long haul. I think we battle our expectations more than anything else. In my twisted logic (or not so twisted perhaps) I think that my actions of late, which are completely sincere, should turn this thing completely around. 180 for 180, right? Failed expectations makes this thing hurt so much. Expect it to take 2 years, and if it happens in a year, you are ecstatic. Expect it to take a year and it happens in 6 months, break out the champagne. See my drift?? SO TOUGH TO DO...I know!!!
Quote: But right now, there is no way I can proceed in another financial venture with him until he is more emotionally stable. He seems to want a 50% marriage with me right now - he wants to stay married and remain my "business partner" (ie. he says I can trust him in the financial arena, that he would never hurt me financially) and then he says he doesn't want to hurt me but someone else has his heart. Well it does hurt me. And trust for me in a marriage doesn't get compartmentalized. Right now, I can't trust him 100%. Not until the OW is out of the picture. So I really like what you said to your wife in this context.
It's highly inappropriate for me to offer financial advice, so please don't take it as such. But I offer another perspective. Think like a business person. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. This financial move could bring in a positive cash flow or a viable future investment for the both of you. The both of you already have assets that you share and upon a divorce would have to be divided equitably. I could be wrong, but adding to that list really doesn't impact anything, so long as you agree to pay into it equally. In other words, if it's in both your names and he works it such a way that you are the one fronting it from your own income, then that may be risky.
My wife and I have a similar sitch. We need to buy a house now because the home we rent is going up for sale. We've needed to for awhile, but this moved up our timeline. But the timing is uncomfortable because of our M problems. But she put it in wonderful perspective. She said basically that it ultimately doesn't matter...if we don't work it out, it doesn't work out and we just decide what to do with the house, just like everything else we own. We are no more financially at risk than we are now, unless I'm really naive. If I am, I wouldn't mind the correction--but sometimes you have to take some risks. The way I'm looking at this is a) we need a house. b) we want our marriage to work. and c) the process of buying a house may be stressful, but it can be very fun too and it may bring us together...it is a new chapter in our life, as opposed to living in the old chapter.
Don't write off the investment JUST because there are marital problems. It's not like having children! Your concern is both valid and should be considered, but the glass may be half full here and an opportunity for you to reach out to your hubby in a different way.
I dunno...am I going out on a limb on that one? I'm not a seasoned investor and I have no assets of my own yet...so take that for what it's worth!
Quote: I think he is in denial about his love for me, and feels so guilty that he's been with her that he can't see his way back right now
I think you are absolutely right. He's denying a lot. There is no future in his R with TOW (I like how that rhymes with TOE..teehee) so long as she is preserving her marriage in that secrecy and the fact that she is so far away. You are in the drivers seat..she has no control of his interactions with you while he is home. I struggle with this myself, but tell yourself that you have 11 months of the year to work and she only has 1...you have the upper hand. If it must be viewed as a competition, you are way ahead of the curve...but it sucks to have to 'win your sweetheart over' all over again. You've already done that and marriage should be the state where you should no longer ever have to worry about it...but alas, we aren't there anymore are we!
It sounds to me that the events of your week(s) have been very positive. Some of the positives are hard to see because you are putting expectations up and they are failing. Remember, don't set him up to fail. If you get dressed up to the 9s, and I AM sure you are Hooooooot, then do it for yourself and "ACT AS IF" you are in the driver's seat to the point of how coy you were when you were dating...I know you did it--all chicks do it You play hard to get...you put the brakes on. You go to a date with a plan ahead of time saying, "I'm going to knock his socks off, maybe kiss him on the cheek and make him beg for more..." Married couples are different because we expect that after a wonderful dinner and a lot of overtones, we often expect something to happen beyond the date...those expectations are what's killing us!!! It's really hard, I know...but lose the expectations and you'll likely find yourself a whole lot more comfortable around him. Easier said than done, I know....
I'm excited about this daughter-father visit. It sounds as if he was really excited too. I have a tendency of spoiling moments that are supposed to be good. My wife is in Costa Rica right now and our phone calls are the only thing we have in the day. I KNOW it should be the highlight of her day if I want to do this right...but twice already I've stumbled and gotten myself into topics that I should have strayed away from and we ended up fighting. NOT A GOOD THING considering she is now a phone call away from getting together with TOM, who she said she has cut off ties with.
It takes willpower. Know the moments that should be highlights of a day and strain with all your effort to avoid talk that will crash things around you. If that means you collapse with exhaustion when it's all over, then do that...I've done that myself. I've worked so damn hard DBing that by 8pm I was falling asleep on my feet...I'm a night owl hon! I don't get sleepy until 10 or 11!!!
OKAY...now on to the IMPORTANT part!!!!
Stand by--uploading: (sometimes I enjoy my nerd god title too much)
Quote: Should I write him a letter for the plane, telling him how I feel or what I see? Something even with a little lightness and humor in it? Should I ignore the fact that he's leaving? Wish him a nice trip? Tell him I will miss him, and can't wait for him to come home? Back off and disappear? Offer to be available by phone if he wants to talk? Is there some way to mess with his head (in a good way) so he will thnk of ME when he is with her? Holy moly, I will need everyone to think good thoughts for me so I don't have a melt down. The idea of him sleeping with someone else makes me want to die. I can hardly stand it. But I still love my husband and want him to come home.
HEAVENS TO BETSY NO!!!!
What does he expect from you? Answer this honestly. He probably expects you to be many things. Weepy? Clutchy? Pursuing? Pleading?? He expects you to be doing everything you can to either ruin his trip, spoil his thoughts while he's with her, or make him feel guilty.
SPOIL THOSE EXPECTATIONS.
You need to "act as if"...act as if he's leaving to visit his mother. Trust me, I tell you this but I'm having the worst week of my life right now dealing with this same issue. I know how hard it is.
My mom, when she was going through separation from my dad for his affair (and ultimate divorce), went on a vacation for a week visiting me while I lived in Costa Rica. She wrote him a letter for every day of the week she was gone and could not communicate with him. She told me later that this was one of the biggest mistakes she ever made. She knew that he would be shacking up with TOW, so she wanted to be in his head the whole time. BIG MISTAKE. The pressure it put on him turned him off completely.
The BEST thing you can do is ignore it altogether. Don't ask for an itinerary unless he offers it. Don't offer to take him to the airport unless he asks. This trip doesn't exist for you. You don't support this relationship, so you are not going to actively support the trip. Remain upbeat up to the time he leaves, and before he leaves, which him a safe journey and most of all, "HAVE A GREAT TIME"...practice it in the mirror...give him the best smile when you say it. Give him a warm hug and let him know that you will see him in a week.
If he calls home from wherever he is (what country, may I ask??) don't be there. ESPECIALLY don't say you'll wait by the phone...nothing will turn him off more! Don't be around. If there is any week to fill yourself up with more activities that you've always wanted to do, it's this week. Hell, go get drunk if that's your inclination (with friends of course!)...as we men say, 'we're baching it for the week...time to drink'...Cut loose, let the hair down...if he does catch you and you decide to pick up the phone, then you will have tons of things to tell him that you've been up to. DO NOT SAY that you've been doing 'nothing' or 'moping' or anything that gives that hint. Give him something to be missing out over.
THe only way you'll get in his head is the active effort to get out of his head. It is completely 180 degrees out of the expected. I assure you that it will drive him nuts.
Anyways..the less interaction you have about the trip, the better. You can talk about it all when you get back, I suppose, but if you address all those emotions now, it will definitely pressure him and he'll look at this woman as a relief more than anything...
