how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi my friend Mr_MD,

Thanks for writing to me. It took me a while to get back here to write to you - I have been BUSY! I guess that is a good thing. But meanwhile, your words have helped me on more than one occasion. When I get discouraged and feel so misunderstood or judged by my H, I come here and remember that there are people like me, and people who really "get" me, and it helps. You are the best!

The sadness has been huge for me lately. I remain positive and upbeat around the H most of the time, but in my own world when he's not around, I cry 3 - 5 times each day. I am keeping busy with work, school, friends and activities, but it all feels so superficial sometimes. I want my H to come home, and it feels such a long way off. I still see it as possible though, that he will return - that gives me hope. It is truly a "one day at a time" endeavor.

It is hard to refrain from telling him what I see about what he is doing. He is leaving to visit the OW next week. The OW is keeping their affair secret from her husband, she apparently says she doesn't want to hurt her children. So, he is going to sneak around with her, on her schedule of secrets and lies, while causing emotional pain to me, our daughters, let alone my H - as he is obviously in turmoil and agony. But he seems unable to cut it off right now. When does he wake up and smell the coffee, that he is someone else's joy ride, that he is being used - and actually has a really wonderful choice that he seems to be ignoring - me?

My H and I went to do our taxes on Friday, and he had a long discussion with the tax preparer/realtor/CPA about buying another investment property (a fixer) and doing another remodel/improvement since he is so handy. We are all in agreement that this is the best way for us to improve our financial situation. But right now, there is no way I can proceed in another financial venture with him until he is more emotionally stable. He seems to want a 50% marriage with me right now - he wants to stay married and remain my "business partner" (ie. he says I can trust him in the financial arena, that he would never hurt me financially) and then he says he doesn't want to hurt me but someone else has his heart. Well it does hurt me. And trust for me in a marriage doesn't get compartmentalized. Right now, I can't trust him 100%. Not until the OW is out of the picture. So I really like what you said to your wife in this context.

Right now, the idea of his two lives is really hurting you. One thing I have found extremely helpful, as there was indeed an emotional affair with TOM going on, was not telling her to end it or else. Since I'm not going to leave her anytime soon, I could not back that up and she would lose respect if she continued and I put up with it. Instead, I told her that "It hurts me to have this relationship with this guy still present in your life. It threatens me because I don't trust him, and it erodes my trust in you. I would like for it that he is no longer in your life, although I will not demand you to do that."

I have not found the right moment to say this to my H. I am aware the timing must be right. Things are moving slowlllyyy in terms of relationship conversations. A lot of the time, I have been trying to keep it light. It is funny how in the DB books, they are always saying for us DBers not to bring up the OW especially while the affair is still going on. Well, I never do! But he brings her up, everytime we are having a good time together. Seems like he wants to bring us "down" and dampen our time together, although he always starts it with he "doesn't want to hurt me" everytime he brings her up. I suppose I would be willing to have a meaningful conversation with him about his feelings in relation to the OW, but that's not what he does - it is always couched as if the comment is for me. I think he thinks I am in denial about his relationship with her. I do believe he does not want to continue to hurt me, which is his dilemma. However, I am not going to give him reasons to leave me. Perhaps he wants me to pretend that I do not love him. I don't say it right now, but I am a warm demonstrative person and I am sure when we are out, that people would never think we are in the situation that we are in - people would think we were very much in love - we hold hands, hug, gaze into each others' eyes, etc. I am very soft and gentle but also sometimes spicy and playful. I think he is in denial about his love for me, and feels so guilty that he's been with her that he can't see his way back right now. Since I a hopeful he will wake up, it is my job to keep the road open, right? So that's all I'm doing. Makes me feel strong and alive and like I'm up to something. Why would he want to put a damper on that?

So here's what's happened this week. He came over a fair amount this week, as there was work to do in the office. One morning he needed to come over early (before work), asked if he needed to call first and said no just come. I timed his entrance perfectly - I was showered, light makeup and perfume, hair etc. but only half dressed, so he got the fetching turn around in my V.S. demi-bra when he arrived. Got a hug right away :-) When he was leaving an hour later, I took his face in my hands very gently and said "sweet face" and kissed him. He stopped leaving, pulled me towards him and said "come here" and then gave me a huge and prolonged hug. Now that is good, right? Made my day. The next evening he came back unannounced, and I was on my way to take a long walk on the beach with a friend. When I returned, I showered and hung out in my bathrobe working on the taxes while he was doing the same. I ended up sitting in his lap at one point and he was very loving towards me, saying "it's that time of year again, and evrything will be OK, it's always OK" because he knows I get stressed out about the finances. And he hugged me for a long time. Then later, he said "you miss me, don't you?" so of course I hugged him and told him the truth, that I miss him all the time.

Friday, after the tax prep, he invited me to a job site he is working on, to show me the install and his beautiful craftmanship. When he shares his work world with me, I know it is a good thing, and I was happy to go. Earlier in the week, he had suggested that we "celebrate" the sale of my daughter's house this week over a bottle of wine, so I asked if he wanted to have dinner that night to celebrate. I am not sure if that was a mistake or not. He said yes, and we made plans to go to a new restaurant half way between his rented room and our home, and agreed to meet there. I have Fridays off and had a great day, with a lot of self care (massage, therapy, a beach walk, got my hair colored) and I decided to wear a dress and stockings for dinner which I don't often do. Honestly, I looked great - never so good. Like I did when we got married. I have lost at least 20 lbs from all the walking and light eating and have been doing sit ups and the dress wasn't new but he's never seen it, and I looked the way I always wished I would in it. So I was HOT, but he was cool. I am not sure what happened, the combination of the upscale environment, perhaps he felt a bit underdressed (not arriving together, he was more casually dressed) or perhaps I was just too good for words. Or maybe he was tired, I dunno. We had a pleasant dinner, light conversation. He cut out and brought me a newspaper article about homeowners insurance (?) but had stories that he had shared with his customers about me and also the article (regardless of the content) I get that he's thinking about me, right? However, he did not have any wine and I had two glasses which apparently my new body can't quite manage even with a meal, so I was a bit light headed afterwards. Since I was going to need to drive, a long walk was in order. We held hands, etc. but it was on this walk that he told me (again!!) when we paused at a railing and I was looking into his eyes, that he said he "didn't want to hurt me" blah blah blah and when I look at him that way he wories blah blah ... Undaunted, I said, well that has nothing to do with me really and some how said, "well why don't you just kiss me?" which he then did, and we continued on our walk with him arm closely around me. So, I dunno. I mentioned later that I didn't like it when he "made me small", that I am not a victim, but am choosing to be here. That I am perfectly aware that he is going to have to make a decision about whether he is going to go back to his country of origin and leave me, or recommit to our marriage. And meanwhile he is in an inquiry about what he wants. I am not sure how that landed for him, but it felt good to me. However, the end of the evening was weird. He ended up offering to drive me home, and I told him if he wanted to stay over at our house, we could go back and get the car early in the am on his way back to his room, but he said "No, I need to stay in my room tonight" so I said I would be fine driving (I really did feel I was OK at that point). He asked me to call him when I got home to let him know I got home safe (and I guess I was feeling a little rejected/independent because I declined - you know, if I'm going home alone, he doesn't get to know...) But at the end, he said "thanks for the evening, it was memorable in more ways than one" and it sounded sarcastic so that has thrown me. And talk about a little "gamey" on my part, I was really disapointed that he didn't call me anyway to make sure I got home OK (when he was 100% my husband and we have driven separately in the past, he always followed me home, even when I tried to lose him!) so not seeing those headlights in the rear view mirror and no phone call for over 24 hours and oh it is hard to be patient, and hard not to wonder if I have blown it or failed. I suspect that he wanted to go back to his room that night to call the OW, as the time difference makes the late night call a necessity.

Or maybe I am freaking him out with my confidence. He doesn't know what he's doing, and I look like I know what I'm doing. Truth be told, I don't have a clue if this will work out alright or not and I'm shaking in my boots all the time when he's not around. But I am hopeful, and I'm willing and I'm committed. So that counts for something. I just hope it ends up being enough.

My daughter is visiting this weekend, and he insisted on coming over for breakfast today to be with us. Seriously, he said he had paperwork to do, and would that bother us if he came over? and I said, well we can just go out together while you are working, no big deal, and he paused and looked at me, and said he wanted to have breakfast with us on the patio (like last week) but I can chooose what to make. Funny! I was almost pissed after Friday night's ending and was going to tell him that I was backing off until he gets his head on straight about what he wants (her or me). But with space in between (thank God!) I can go another round! I will shower, look cute, make a killer breakfast, and let him enjoy it :-) and my daughter God bless her has decided that she loves him and can be patient (however she tells me only if he is really stupid and brings the OW here will he then be toast!). She is a wonderful asset to our lives. Interestingly when we first got married, she is a lot like me and she pushed his buttons and he didn't "get" her entirely, and since this crisis in particular he has been most concerned about the reality of losing the family if he leaves me and is especially concerned about her. So breakfast it will be, and we'll let the natural family dance work it's charm and magic.

So, one week before he's leaving. This is the first time he will be visiting her with my knowledge that he is going there. Should I write him a letter for the plane, telling him how I feel or what I see? Something even with a little lightness and humor in it? Should I ignore the fact that he's leaving? Wish him a nice trip? Tell him I will miss him, and can't wait for him to come home? Back off and disappear? Offer to be available by phone if he wants to talk? Is there some way to mess with his head (in a good way) so he will thnk of ME when he is with her? Holy moly, I will need everyone to think good thoughts for me so I don't have a melt down. The idea of him sleeping with someone else makes me want to die. I can hardly stand it. But I still love my husband and want him to come home.

Well he just called, and he's on his way for that breakfast, and he will pick up the groceries :-) He sounds cheery and excited. One more day of DBing, coming up!