Here I am! See, I followed you didn't I!! That's pursuing behavior if I didn't know it. Must be a crush.
What a tough situation. I have always admired your strength and patience. You are tapping into reserves that most don't realize they have. Whatever your source of strength, absolutely do NOT go away from it. I sense that you may have a spiritual life. I personally think that's healthy--if prayer works for you (as it does for me) then don't stop!
It sounds to me that one of your toughest things right now is the 'in-your-face' reality that is the dual-relationship your H is having. I think you are doing a lot of good in continuing to be positive and pushing the positive buttons. He likes reassurance. So reassure. Great. Good.
You may have done this already, but if you haven't, then try this. Right now you are working hard at meeting all of his needs, even if that means space (that can be a need too). But the consequence of his other R is that your needs are being neglected. You are doing the right things, but it's time to step up a bit maybe. Write down three goals you have. Maybe one would be that he ends his R with this woman. Then another would be to start having a physical relationship with him again. This has to be what YOU want and need. Look at them, then break them down. What would be the first sign that this is happening? Maybe the first sign would be he tells you that he wants to end his R with this woman. Wanting to do something isn't the same as doing something, granted, but it's a step. Rewrite your goals to these smaller, achievable ones.
Now. Have you ever stated your needs? One of my most productive, yet uncomfortable discussions I had with my W was when I moved to the step of stating my needs to her. I had been divorce busting my arse off for weeks and things were getting much better, but I was not getting what I deserved in the R, and it was time to step up. You can't expect to get anything in life unless you ask for it. My W has a big issue with this. She feels (and still does for the most part) that in a healthy R, the partner should be able to sense what the other person's needs are and meet them. If it is something asked for, it loses its meaning. Criminy. Are we still in 7th grade? I want to pull my hair out because this frustrates me to no end, when she absolutely refuses to talk to me about what she wants or needs.
Knowing this, I still forged ahead. My needs were simple and to the point, and were just stepping stones to the three things important to me. One was a need to hear once in a while a feeling or need from her without being prompted. Another was to grab my hand to hold it, so I don't have to pursue. Not all the time, just every now and then so I can be assured in my own way. The first was a stepping stone for getting back our trust and communication. The second was a first step toward repairing our physical intimacy.
I approached her at a time when we were driving to a restaurant for a 'date'. A 10 minute drive, so it could be short, sweet, nonconfrontational and where she wasn't distracted. It was uncomfortable, and the discussion ended up turning to her discomfort at 'requested' needs being insincere. She said she didn't want to feel 'forced' to hold my hand, as it wouldn't mean anything to her or me. I just replied that when it's something you are choosing to do when you don't feel like it, it is a sacrifice to meet the needs of your partner and it helps to smooth over the rough patches of an otherwise healthy R...since we aren't exactly in a healthy one, I recognized that it would seem contrived, but it was still a need and I wanted to communicate it.
You know what? The power of that conversation has exponentially grown. She is committed to make the marriage work, and she was given some first tools as to how to do it. Our SL is not back to where we'd both want it, but we are still having sex with some regularity...a far cry from hand holding!! Trust and communication? Much better. There are still skeletons in her closet that have to do with TOM that she just won't go into without a gun to her head, so there is still much healing. Step by step.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
Right now, the idea of his two lives is really hurting you. One thing I have found extremely helpful, as there was indeed an emotional affair with TOM going on, was not telling her to end it or else. Since I'm not going to leave her anytime soon, I could not back that up and she would lose respect if she continued and I put up with it. Instead, I told her that "It hurts me to have this relationship with this guy still present in your life. It threatens me because I don't trust him, and it erodes my trust in you. I would like for it that he is no longer in your life, although I will not demand you to do that."
Boy did that clear the air. My W cares about me deeply. There is no question. She was vulnerable, and met a guy that met her emotional needs while I was 3000 miles away and could not understand what she was going through (her medical internship). She grew attached to him and detached from me. I understand how it happened, and have detached from the emotional reactions that that sort of thing entails. Telling her how I FELT about the whole scenario without the emotional investment in the discussion allowed me to let her react any way she felt she wanted to. She didn't get angry, but she could have. She got frustrated that I seem to dwell on this, but I have also told her that just like she's dwelling on the trust that I will make the changes in how I show my love to her permanent, I have every right to grieve and process this infidelity how I need to, and if that means every so often we need to talk about it, that's her problem, not mine, and if she's committed, she will let me do it.
PositivelyGorgeous, YOU, my friend, have done everything I can think of to project yourself as the fun, easygoing, heartthrob of a partner he once new and fell in love with. By continuing to emote that 'best side' of you doesn't mean you lose yourself either. He doesn't want a divorce, and I garantee that he doesn't want his life to be like this forever. Is it time to step up? You don't have to stand for the pain his trips give you. Just don't give ultimatums, and don't be critical. Just tell him how you feel...most men stereotypically abhor the idea of being callous to the feelings of someone they care about.
It's like when my W used to ask me to go for a walk after work. I was tired and cranky and I would often refuse. She would get upset and hurt and say, "Fine, then I'll go without you..." obviously pained and miffed. That put me in an untenable (sp?) situation and I ALWAYS switched gears and said, "I'm going"...that didn't improve the sitch, as I switched gears without a clutch and it was a grumpy walk...but that's not my point. I HATED the idea that I could be blamed for hurting her feelings because I felt responsible for them. I cared for them.
Don't be afraid to manipulate, so long as you are self-referencing, rather than critical or demanding. Be the guiding light to steer the ship of your marriage back to health. Step up. Own your feelings and communicate them. Your H is a big man, he can take it.
Well..I'd best get back to work, my dear. All the best as always
