how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello, everyone,

I have been posting to a different board, for a few weeks, but I think I really belong here, since the biggest issue in my face is that my husband is having an affair. I believe he is also in MLC, and he is also currently not living with me. But the affair feels like "the issue" where I need the most help, as it hooks me like nothing else...

Here's my story so far

I would love to hear from more of you who have done this work, particularly in dealing with a H's affair, regarding how to proceed.

Since my husband is having a long-distance affair, I get a lot more time with him right now that she does. I got the Divorce Remedy book right away after I found out about the affair (I only wish I had read it earlier!) The day I found out about my husband's affair, I told him to move out. After reading alot, I realize that may have been a hasty emotional response, but I also think it has been good for me. I have a helluva time getting centered if he is around too much right now. And since I don't want him to see me crying, and I cry more than once every day, I think having "space" has worked for me too.

My husband has gradually warmed up to me as the weeks have gone by. However, he periodically has to remind me that he is "in love" with someone else. He is physically affectionate with me sometimes and aloof other times.(hugs, holding hands, brief kisses sometimes on the lips, sometimes off to the side, etc.) We have not been sexual since the affair started last August, although I did not find out about the affair until January. The OW lives in his country of origin which is a continent away (12 hour flight, 9 hour time difference on the phone). She is also married and has 2 children, and she is still in secret with her spouse. I think the home language thing has been comforting to him. She also swooped into his life when he was really vulnerable due to a major issue with his 11 year old son who lives over there. I missed some important signals that we were in danger as a couple, and was not the best wife I could be at that time either. I would of course like the affair to end immediately, and for my husband to come home. However, he is going to visit her on April 4 for 1 week, and I do not know how to stand it. I have done a ton of work on myself recently, have lost a lot of weight (looking really good) and am keeping busy. I journal and I read all the time on MLC, and DivorceBusting, and improving your marriage, all of it. I am really proud of all I have accomplished, and EVERYONE around me thinks I am amazing. I stay calm and centered around my husband 99% of the time. He even thinks I am being amazing. But sometimes I feel like he wants me to have a fit and get upset (so he would have an excuse to leave? because he doesn't have one right now I am too wonderful) but also sometimes he doesn't trust that the changes are genuine which I guess makes sense since all of this is so new. My anger was a big factor in his emotional departure - he couldn't handle how he felt when I was angry. I think I was quite critical, too, and although I didn't mean to be, he is still telling stories of little things I said that were critical. I am so sad about that. And, I am committed to my new self. I like the results I am seeing in myself. But even if I end up being a better person in my future "with him or without him", I want my husband to come home and I want it to be with him. No foolin'.

So here's where I am confused. It seems like my husband thrives on reassurances from me right now. When I appreciate him consistently, it really makes a difference. And when my actions are helpful and I show interest in working with him or helping him in some way, he seems to really like that (I used to let him do most of the repairs on the house by himself, for example, and now I am helping). But then every once in a while, he has to remind me that I don't have his heart. Today, we were taking a beautiful walk on the beach, and I finally asked him what made him need to tell me again. Because, I told him, unless something has changed, I don't really need to hear it again. I did tear up when I said that, and he apologized and gave me a big hug and held me. I had told him earlier in the day that I was committed to our marriage, and he always seems to really respond to that when I say it, and thanks me with a lot of emotion and gives me a huge hug. He has not asked for a divorce, and doesn't want one. Also, earlier today, we were talking about remodeling the master bedroom (?) and how we'd like it to be. Being that he is currently not living with me, this is confusing. He confuses me all the time. However, if I even hint that he is confused, he seems surprised and says he is not. Might as well not go there. But obviously, he confuses me all the time.

So how do I stomach the fact that he is going to go visit this unfaithful non-sister OW and in all liklihood sleep with her? I HATE the thought of that, it makes me sick. And I cry about it a fair amount. And I pray. However, I have told him I want him to get clear on his choices, and that if he needs to explore this to know what he wants in life, then he should. I want him to choose ME though. I HATE IT!!! I pray every day that he will have a wake up with himself. This is a man who is operating completely out of character in this regard. He has always lived a life of integrity until now. To think he could be a factor causing more pain to that family too, is just devastating. Our family and our close friends are all still reeling too. And my husband is cut off from almost everyone right now (his choice - he's in major retreat).

How long should I be patient? I felt like, because he was so low about his work and what he has accomplished in his life (the MLC stuff I think), and because he is suffering in his mind from my criticisms in the past, that I should be loving, appreciative and helpful whenever possible. But sometimes I am afraid that I should be more removed - I am afraid that my behavior might feel like pursuing. I can't say that I am behaving like a "friendly neighbor", because we have even taken trips together and slept in the same bed, and cuddled etc. during the past month. Is that the wrong approach? I wanted him to have recent memories of how cute and fun I am, before he is hanging out for a romantic tryst with the OW. Am I going about this in the wrong way?

Also, how long should I be patient and do my best (at least on the surface) to ignore his activities with the OW? Because now that it's not a secret, I know when he's going, etc. It feels like it's in my face (although I know it could be worse - she could be here! He better NEVER bring her here...) The idea of an affair in his past is a lot easier for me to make peace with than the idea that he is pursuing someone NOW and will sleep with her in the FUTURE. Can anyone enlighten me?