Rinse and repeat. You "accidentally" sending her a picture of you that coincidentally showed you in great shape (I assume that was not the case until recently) that also was attached to an email about your dad being sick sound a WHOLE lot like a blatant attempt at manipulation to me. How did you accidentally send that email?
Anyway, like I said, hearing the whole story, I still hold to my original opinion that you need to start using the advice found in the books for YOU and not for her. You said she responded to you you pushing her to read the books, etc, by saying she didn't want to be friends, right? Well, in my opinion that was because you were doing everything BUT validating her, something that OM AND HER THERAPIST are doing daily. I know it sucks to seem to be agreeing with things you detest, but you are not agreeing when you validate, you are just letting them know their opinions, ESPECIALLY the ones you disagree with, are important to you, and valid. After she knows you respect her opinion, sure, let her know you disagree, but that's not important to her right now. SHE KNOWS you still love her. She knows you want to reconcile, and she surely knows you hate the idea of OM. You don't need to keep repeating these things in hopes that the 1001st time she'll finally HEAR you and come running back.
The fact is that she's gone now. Not forever, and not with eyes closed to you, but you keep acting, or at least it seems like it based on what you've posted, like you think something OTHER than her free volition will bring her back to you. Only her thinking it would be GOOD to be with you again will do that. Only her seeing you as the better option will bring her back. Do you honestly think you've been projecting that idea?
It's REALLY hard to do what you need to do, and even if you don't succeed in doing it 100%, any improvement you make to yourself will pay dividends. You mentioned needing to not be too emotionally attached. Well, maybe it's too soon for that. Emotions run high in your sitch, and you may just have to ride that wave for awhile until time or effort calms you down. So, maybe just work on doing one little thing for you each day, something that you've wanted to do but haven't for some reason when you were married. I know this whole sitch puts a "this sucks" filter on everything, but trust me, that fades after awhile. It really does and then you can start to do more things. I know there were weeks on end where I just sat around and wallowed. It's normal, not healthy, but normal.
SO, you have the OM, W's therapist, and recent history going against you. Now you have to make the couple things that ARE on your side work for you, namely, YOUR attitude/actions and her memories of your better days which are tied together. My simple yet impossible advice then is to become the man you really are by stripping away all the negative, self defeating stuff and trying to be more positive and self confident. Become the man she fell in love with, but don't do it with the expectations that she'll fall back in love with you. It's the hardest thing to realize for us all; that we CANNOT control nor predict what they will do, but through our own behavior, words and actions we CAN still influence how they perceive us and thus possibly win back their affection, but that winning CANNOT be the sole reason for your improvement.
Look, time helps, it really does so long as the time is spent doing things that will help, not hurt the sitch. We ALL make mistakes, the key is to not repeat them TOO much.
I think you will get on track and start to do what you need to do. I will keep reading and posting.
