Ok. First of all no advice or comments are too harsh. I’ve heard a lot of heart wrenching things that now I have had to become not too emotionally attached. Thanks for the outsider looking in view. Truly thanks.
About the sitch. We’ve been married for a year and a half. Before the engagement I had moved away for a job promotion. We had been broken up before I was about to leave. Realizing that I would miss her being gone I had pursued her. Got back with her. Then I moved. We talked a lot on the phone. Even went to bed with her on the line as comfort. (Free mobile to mobile) Valentine’s day was coming around. I arranged for her to fly to see me and spend time. I decided I wanted to propose to her on Valentine’s day. So we got engaged. She went back home. I was sad being away from her and family. I lived in a small (pop. 17,000 max?) town. Not much to do but be home sick. We decided that I would quit my job and move back. And move in with her and her mom. Til we got things straight on getting a house of our own. I would do anything for her. Cook, clean, run errands. Etc. Even during the marriage. Well, she began to want her freedom. She would tell me about this guy at work who would be nice to her and tell her that she had ‘nice pockets.’ I.e. nice ass. I didn’t think anything of it. She started going out without me. She wouldn’t want me to go out with her. Plus clubs are not my thing anyway. In my hayday I would go out to ‘raves’ and got into that kind of music and anything other than what the radios play. Well, finally I would notice that she would be talking to this ‘girl’ a lot. She told me that it was this dude’s sister. That was the name in her cell phone. One time while making love I had a feeling that she was with somebody else. I heard that the man can tell when their lady has been touched or has had sex with another man by the way ‘it’ feels. And I ‘felt’ that there was a change down there while in the action. (Trying not to be too descriptive, but also this has relevance later on. * sorry * ) So I asked her if there is somebody else during intercourse. Immediately she turned over and tuned herself off. No noise from her the rest of the night. Like a coma. I thought I royally messed up. I apologized. And apologized. And apologized. But I was still kinda curious. I recruited a friend (ex girlfriend) to call this number and see what happens. This guy answered claiming that the number is his and only his. So I confronted her about it. Me crying and all. She assured me that it was nothing. Things were looking better. We were doing stuff together more. So I dropped the issue. I thought I was stupid to even think that way. Then one day we were at a restaurant and this little girl passed by. Said Hi to my lady. Asking if my lady recognized her. Then proceeded to say that she is the OM’s cousin. And isn’t she his girlfriend. I blew up. She seemed not too worried. Asked me why I’m not eating. I asked her what was that all about. I already knew this dude’s name so hearing about being a girlfriend was a shock. She claimed that they had dated. I asked her if it was before or after we got engaged. It was after. We just sat down to eat. The first time we prayed together for a meal. Ironically it was probably the last too. I stormed out. She followed and convinced me to get in the car with her to take me home. I grabbed my stuff and left all the while she was trying to hold me crying and such. I didn’t call her names. I sat her down and left. Later that day I went back. We reconciled. She then claimed that she was depressed and got medical help for that. She has been on them since. Yeah she sleeps a lot and goes into tantrums. But antidepressants? I had been smoking weed. We would fight about that. Well, I quit smoking.
Trust was a big issue for me for a while. Finally we got married. And finally I trusted her to go out with the same friends that helped her get with this guy. Things were great. She landed a high paying job, and so did I with the same company, different locations. Ethics was a big problem with me and I got fired. I ended up doing little jobs here and there. She didn’t seem to mind. We bought a house. And all the furnishings. All on credit. I couldn’t fit the bill but she said she could. she wanted the stuff. Then while working retail, the day after Thanksgiving we had planned to go out to a club. I got an early start drinking after work. She decided not to go and allowed me to have my fun. Well, I got really trashed and ended up kissing another girl. Right away I left the club. Don’t know how I made it home. Total blur. I felt really bad. Ugly. Disgusting. Friends told me not to tell my W about what had happened and just move on. Well, I told her two days later. She grew up in a broken home where here dad drank every day plus drugs. She had no problem with me having beer around until then. She stayed with me. I was happy. But I started having a beer here and there 2 or 3 months later. My neighbor would sit in his garage and have beers and we would just BS. This upset her. Little differences would arise and she started claiming that she wanted out. She couldn’t take this anymore. Then I would be walking on eggshells. This cycle went on for months. Finally in like October 05 we were doing good. No arguments nothing bad. I thought things were looking up. November we made love. I had the same feeling that she was with somebody else. Except this time I didn’t ask her during or even ask at all. I just thought it was a stupid thought and shouldn’t even suspect. But soom after she said she really wanted a divorce. One of her friends just divorced and was talking to my W about it. My W contacted the OM in October.. They communicated here and there secretly. All the while I was setting up marriage counseling where we would go. She wanted out. Counseling was a sham. It was that whole tell me about your parents and your relationship with them crap. We had one session together as a couple. The counselor suggested we split. At that time I thought the counselor was right.
My W would have middle of the night conversations with the OM. Well we finally split. She kicked me out of the house. On Christmas Eve she called me to tell me she has been dating. Christmas day she told me it was with the same dude as last time. But then she said he was there for her emotionally. Then I started the acting depressed, pursuing, begging, pleading. The whole nine. The OM started sleeping over. Now he’s probably there 24/7. I have a buddy that is really struggling. My W got to be friends with his W and offered them to stay with her at the house at no charge but to just keep the house clean. The W had been cleaning our house for a few weeks to help them out financially. They’re there as well with their kids. I try not to ask anything about what’s going on. But I do know by neighbors telling me is that the OM is there a lot. Recently I started being friendly. And we were texting a lot more. After skimming through the books she said she still wanted a divorce. I said ok. It’s obvious you read and if that’s what you want ok. She asked me why I’m being passive aggressive. I was confused and said that how can she be so sure that we’re not right while this other dude is there waiting on her hand and foot. She said that’s not the case and she has been seeing a therapist and that the therapist says that divorce is the right thing to do. So I said why doesn’t your therapist see me and then make that decision versus just relying on her side of the story. She wouldn’t have that. So here’s where I fell off my rocker again. I stated that it sounds like you’re looking for the therapist’s word to say that we’re not meant to be. Without really giving us a chance. So you’ll be able to sleep in peace knowing that some therapist agrees with you and not being very solution orientated. I don’t think you really got deep into those books. Your mind is very closed and you’re still hurt. Plus you’re confused and unhappy. I’m sad. Well, that totally backfired. Now she doesn’t want our friendship to continue. So I apologized and told her that yeah we can’t be friends right now. I hope she changes her mind about that and what I said was wrong and uncalled for. We’ve communicated since. I accidentally sent her a picture of me flexing ( I started working out again and am photographing my progress) with words that mentioned my dad getting surgery. The next day she asked me about my pops and was happy for me being healthy again. Asked me to keep her posted about my pops and wanted to call my parents that night. She didn’t call. Two days later I asked her about her calling my parents and she said she got busy but she still wanted to call in the future. That’s where I stand. I left some money issue things out and some other stuff out. But that’s the picture. Ok. Advice?