I hate to meet you like this but you will find help here.
First off, my advice is to STOP talking to her so much about this. You're like a general planning a war and telling the enemy all your plans to try and see if he'll tell you what he will do about it. Stop doing that. Sure, she's not your enemy but you get my point. You keep TELLING her all this when the point is to SHOW her. What you are doing now sounds a whole lot like the begging and pleading you claim not to be doing anymore, just with words you learned from DR/DB. It's still the same thing. Also, it seems like you want the quick fix. You keep telling her all these things and I guess you expect her to just say "Oh, you're right and I have been SO wrong in all this. I'll be back tomorrow and we can go back to our lives again." What you are doing when you do that is invalidate her feelings and make her wrong. You don't want to make her wrong, or you right. You need to get over that. She IS NOT WRONG. She just has a different perspective, and a different feeling about your M right now. In a marraige there ofetn is not a right and wrong, just two different ways of looking at things. Come to understand that and try not to prove her opinion wrong so much as understand it.
Don't get me wrong, what you are doing COULD work. Different things work for different people but in my experience here, in my own sitch and in what I have read, what you are doing will backfire.
Try spending less time wondering about what she thinks about what you're doing and more time just doing it. IF your changes are indeed permanent, then she will need time to see that. No amount of you describing your changes will make them real to her any more than you saying I love you proves you really do.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, and please realize that many of us do this. It's how we start. I just want you to understand how it looks from the outside looking in.
I would stop talking to her about the books. You already gave them to her so you can't undo that, but continuing to go on about them is just another way you are trying to convince her you're right.
If I am off base with this, let me know. Also, it would help to have some more details about your sitch. Is this a PA or EA? How long is/was the affair? Is it over? What has she said to you? How did you find out? How was your R before all this? Did you suspect that this was possible? Really, anything that could give us insight into YOUR particular situation will help us give you more specific advice.
I really hope you make it through this. It is a terrible thing to experience, but IT CAN actually provide you a terrific opportunity for personal growth that ultimately could lead to your M being back and better than ever. It's all up to you at this point and you'll come to understand that.
If you have not already, I would suggest you continue to read (and DON'T tell her what you're reading, lol). "The Four Agreements" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" are a good place to start and not necessarily in that order. What you need to be reading about is how to validate opinions you DON'T agree with so that your W starts to feel safe expressing her feelings around you and not feeling you're just going to try to "be right" and not listen to her.
I'll be thinking of you and will keep up with your posts.
