I just got back from Counselor session. Nobody has worked harder than her to help W to see the possibilities of our marriage. To see the goodness that is there inside me and how W and I could be good together. She knows W better than anybody right now, if anyone CAN know W.
Last week we agreed that she was to talk to W about 'doing something' instead of staying ambivalent. It was Counselor who brought up what to do with the house and stuff like that with W last week, and told her to stop talking and start doing. Make a decision. She mentioned that when she talked about the house W face went white. Her fantasy is about to become reality.
After I told C about the 'talk' we had where W asked ME about what to do with the house, and other things about moving in the summer and how "she couldn't love me the way I should be loved", C says 'she is making her decision'. She doesn't have the feelings for me to be married and she's afraid of marriage.
Counselor spent the session discussing with me that I need to play 'hardball' now and take care of myself, no longer give her support. Start the process. Make it real.
She observed that I 'keep giving to her' because I'm afraid if I don't it will push her farther away. But that doesn't matter any more, and it's only hurting me and enabling W. She is getting energy from me whenever she 'needs' it and doesn't have to give me anything in return. That energy source won't be available out there in the 'real' world. And W's desire for me to be her 'Best Friend' is unrealistic. You don't just TAKE from your Best Friend.
She gave the 'standard' lecture about how we never stop loving someone, and years later it's still there. That we can have that love with another person. And, that I'm healed and strong now which will serve me well in my life.
And she said "Frank. You are the stronger one. You are not a quitter. You proved it. She is a quitter. You did ALL that any man could do. Be proud of yourself."
What W 'said' she wanted when she decided to get divorced (besides OM) was "Frank to Change", and she had given up hope that I ever would. But I did change, and we've lived together in the house long enough so that she can see it is for real. Even Counselor has told her "what you said you wanted is right there in front of you now". Yet she doesn't choose it. So there's a deeper reason that she is leaving. It's not me.
C believes W thinks that if she commits to the marriage again she will 'never get out, be trapped'. From what, I'm not sure.
She sees W living in the fear that if she gives herself emotionally to any man, she loses herself. Like she did with me in our marriage, like she did with OM, like she did when we had our week of intimacy a month ago. Unfortunatly then, I got hurt by getting close to her, which C said she was afraid might happen. She suggested that if somehow the opportunity comes up again, I should decline, for my own sake.
I guess I know in my heart that it's over. I know our marriage could never work the way she is now, or even the way she was. She's a troubled woman who doesn't know herself and maybe she never will. If anyone should know, it would be me. Sure, she loves me, in a way that we love others we touch in our lives. And that's a good thing.
One other good thing C observed is that when W started all this, she used me as her 'excuse'. Frank was negative, drinking, etc... Now she never says anything bad about me. So instead of my 'legacy' in the divorce being negative, it will be positive. That way my self esteem and my girls view of their dad won't be tainted by any of that. And, W has no excuse any more. She doesn't know what she wants. And she's going out the door to find out. I hope she does.
At first I thought "I lost". I worked hard but I still lost. But C pointed out to me that I got 'me' back, found out who I really am, what my core life purpose is. That's a pretty big win. And, I guess I could also say I no longer have the 'burden' of 'taking care' of W any more.
The girls wil be ok, and they will be better off with me anyway. These are their formative years, where they need a strong father figure so they will see what to look for in a man when they are dating. I can do that. And the past couple years W was not able to really assert herself to our teenage daughter. I am, and she needs that.
Oh, there's still some tiny 'smidgen' of a chance that W could still change her mind, but C thinks that right now it is very unlikely. And she's seen her enough to know.
So, no more holding on. And in fact, I have to play 'hardball' or she won't be safe moving out on her own because she will have no 'reality' to take with her to lessen the shock.
How ironic that my last act of love is to be hard on her so she's stronger when she leaves. That's what makes me laugh, that through all this I have done things no other man would or could do. I've always said to people "I'm just not like other people. I'll always be different". Who would have thought?
I'm not exactly sure which board I should be on now so I still have a place to 'rant' about crap in my life. I guess "Divorced but not Done" since we will still be friends. But not 'best friends'.
