I was reading some of my posts from around Feb7. By then W had ended her affair for a couple weeks already and was hurt because she knew she made a bad choice.
I didn't know that for sure at the time. In fact I thought it was getting more serious.
jan 31 I said on the board " Getting back to 'disconnecting', it is abundantly clear that me not detaching or disconnecting is holding ME back. My feelings of being tired of fighting are all because I have spent the past 3 months holding us all together, and W has been taking from me STILL. It's time to stop, and give to me now. C says that I MUST detach because I'm still giving W the energy and support she needs while she lives in La La land. And it's draining ME. It has to stop because I can't move forward till it does."
Then for about 4-5 days W had some financial realities thrown at her by me. She had some emotional moments and I gave her a hug once or twice. Also told he I didn't need her to survive. I was detaching very well. But at the time OM was also ending so the feelings she had were not about our relationship. During this week she was flirting with me from time to time. It seemed odd but I kept detached. She then had a real breakdown and I helped her through it. It took the last of my energy.
A few days later, we had sex. Then for about 5 days after that she blew me off. I went away for 3 days and when I got back, and for about almost 2 week period on and off we did it every other day at least, and we spent time every nite sitting together and cuddling.
AmyC said then the reason W would come back was:
"The tenderness you show her, the respect you give her, the faith you have in her, the patience you have had, the dignity, the cute ways you tease each other, the playfulness, the history....the healing...the hope...that's what got you where you were yesterday with your wife, Frank. And that's what is going to turn her heart back to you. And I think she is going to find out that she has loved you all along."
Becca said then:
"Frank, your marriage is on the road to recovery. I think you could feel comfortable moving over to Piecing now, I'm that sure of it. I felt that about you from the first time you posted. You were so sincere in your DBing and your love was so deep that I knew you'd do this. Your "calm and collectedness" continues to amaze me and it is a matter of time until your W recommits."
And it seemed true.
Then about Feb 28 she went away overnite. She kissed me when she left. And that was the end. Since then she has been emotionally vacant when she's around me. Over time she has been reading her 'California Divorce' book from time to time, and has told me she plans to move out by summer.
So, here I am now. I'm staying at my office as much as possible so I don't feel her or see her. I am making a plan for life without her since the short interlude we had wasn't enough to change this runaway trains course. I'm cleaning up MY bedroom, got some new sheets, comforter. Stuff I like that Becca helped me find. I haven't spent any evening time with W in two nites. It'll be the same tonite. She has asked me if "I'm ok" and I smile and say I am perfectly fine.
A few minutes ago D15 called me on my cell and was laughing and said I needed to come home because Mom was 'biting her'. They were being playful and I heard W laugh in the background. D15 wanted her to go to the store and Mom wanted D15 to go with her but D15 was whiney and didn't want to go.
So they were fighting like little girls.
It's good to hear them have positive interaction. And I DID tell D15 before I left she could call me anytime if she needed me, and if it was important enough to her I would come right home.
I told her to put W on the phone and told her to 'behave, or I'll come home and spank you!". She gave me an annoyed "oh you think so" and started to complain about D15 not doing what she tells her to do. It kind of went back and forth, I would talk to one or the other about why the other wasn't doing what they wanted. Finally I had to let them go because they were being too silly. It was nice to hear the playfulness. I miss that in our house.
Well, time to 'act as if' I'm moving on. Cut W off from my emotional self as much as possible. See what happens next. I'm thinking that I should stop dressing in jeans and polo shirts, wear slacks, look like a 'real man'. I started that 'look' when W first left but didn't stay with it.
I should get used to it so I can be attractive to women. No matter what happens that will be important.
