Thank you all for supporting me in 'letting go'. I'll talk to C on tuesday and consider options for her to move out. I DO believe that at the very least, picking my family and myself up once AGAIN, and becoming strong, for their sake, will have an effect.
I feel so weak and hurt this morning. I REALLY need to cry for an hour to let it all out. But, I can't. Giving up hurts.
I haven't been talkative to W this morning so of course she notices and says 'Are you ok?'. I only replied "I'm really tired". Her first thought will be to think I am being 'moody'. Oh, and her 'divorce' book was on the floor by her bed so I guess she's been taking it with her and reading as I suspected.
Pamela, I hear what you are saying. The mattress, her life, her OM were all her choices. I need to quit acting like I love her. I think D15 helped when she said that 'Mom wants you to be her BEST FRIEND'. She was very specific about the 'BEST FRIEND' part. No, I can't do it. My best friend wouldn't treat me this way, expecting me to happily let them break my heart.
So that's her view though, she doesn't have to deal with actually 'losing' me by leaving me. What is that all about? Guilt for having to hurt me? Why DOES she do the 'friendly' things she does? She doesn't LOVE me. Does anyone else have a WAW who does this or is it just me? Is it because I am just too nice? I should be like other 'normal' divorcees and play hardball?
And since by her statements and actions it's clear she feels like she needs to 'explore her womanhood' meaning sex, then what is that to me? She's getting more opportunities to meet men and since she is 'free' she can come on to them if she wants to. I think she is already doing that with this one guy she mentioned who 'showed up' at her office looking for accupuncture referrals because he was 'drawn to this place'. Nice line, probably works on all the single females.
Well, I don't want to be around for that. It's the same thing she did when we broke up when she was 20 except she moved away from me, went back to live with her dad, so I didn't have to bear witness to her actions then. This is just 15 years later, we've been through good and bad,I didn't 'take care' of her for a while and she lost the dedication to our marriage, all in secret so I couldn't know how serious it was. She gave me "I'm unhappy" hints but nothing this serious. But she told her friends of course.
Regarding the guy she met at her office, Tom the instructor also said it's not unusual to 'trade massages'. It's a way to get a feel for someones techniques. Somehow I don't think this is the intent. And I need to not project my own feelings into this.
Tom said that it's pretty normal for people who do those kinds of work to go to Spas looking for referrals so there is nothing 'magic' about it like she may think it is. I spoke with her massage instructor last nite because we talk about web work I am doing with him. I mentioned that she was saying she expected her business to expand enough by summer so she could afford to move out. He laughed and said she is very naive if she thinks that getting a bunch of new clients recently means it'll keep growing that fast.
--- One thing that I need to not let turn into hate is the fact that in Feb 1995 her 'counselor in training' 'friend' was advising her that her 'journey with me was over and she could move on because she was released from me'.
Then during the summer I helped her make a DVD video of her 'hot stones massage' technique AS A FRIEND and she KNEW this was in W's head and did nothing. NOTHING. Not even perhaps mention AS A FRIEND that maybe I should be looking at my life and my relationship because she 'senses' issues and maybe give some abstract examples??? That wouldn't be a conflict of condidentiality. That's something a FRIEND woud do. But she was willing to use me. Some 'spiritual' person she is.
Maybe she figured it wasn't "any of her business" and by then W and I were sort of getting along but what the hell, she feels like she can advise her on life decisions like this but doesn't feel like perhaps there is some moral conflict of acting like a friend to me to get what she wants?
It's more than that though. There were apparently several people who 'knew' W had issues but nobody was a good enough 'friend' to try to help at all. And her two 'best friends' were toxic as hell yet treated me like their friend.
More than that, I have never been able to understand what she sees in those two women. They are pleasant enough but their lives are far from 'successful' when it comes to relationships.
I'm just ranting about this, but it's another lesson learned.
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So, how DOES she feel about me really? Any guesses? How do you go from 'best friend and lover but secretly unhappy' in September to 'Adultress and now divorcing ' because she "can't stay with me and go through her growth". What is really being said? And is D15 right about her observations? It's just over, that's the way it is.
A lot of tension in the house this morning. W is irritated by D10 and it seems like life in general. Today will be fun. Not.
