Had a long talk with W this morning on a walk, she and I haven't talked about anything in a while, especially since the 'intimacy' we had a month ago.
I told her that I loved her and I will always love her forever. No matter where she is, or what she does, it will always be there. I told her that it's a deep connection I feel for her, one that I can't ever break no matter how much I try. I haven't said anything like this for maybe 3 months.
Then we walked quietly.
She started to cry a little. She calmly said she wished she could be the person who could return that love but she isn't. That I deserve someone who can.
I asked her if she felt the deep connection with me that I feel with her, she paused to think. Then she said she did, that we had nurtured it for so many years. But it didn't hurt her to feel it like it hurts me.
She said she knows she has a lot of growing to do and that she has to do it without me. And nothing can change that because it's a spiritual journey for her. To make deep connections with others, to become whole.
She says she stopped the sex and closeness 4 weeks ago because she found that she stopped taking care of herself then. Stopped her diet and other things. So she decided to put all that energy inward. She didn't tell me then, she just stopped. I told her that it was a shock to me, to go from spending quality time to suddenly stopping without any explanation from her.
She said "I told you that you could 'initiate' things, and I would say 'no' if I didn't want to do anything". So you picked up on my energy and saw I needed space.
I mentioned that I read her actions as meaning 'stay away' and she said that I should expect her to change the way she is feeling - sometimes it'll be like now, sometimes it'll go the other way.
When asked about 'current' boundaries, she said hugs and foot rubs are nice. just no sex.
She says she thinks she will move out by summer, not because she has to, but because she thinks it hurts me too much to live with her.
I did tell her how she could move now if she wanted to but she said she didn't want to right now, would upset the kids lives. She implied she didn't HAVE to move in the summer but it might be better for 'us'.
Summer would be better, but she could also stay longer in the house and pay her own way if I was cool with it. She seems to only want to move out because of me. I was needy today anyway. I'm sure it made it easier for her to detach.
She believes she will be financially able by summer. she has a plan.
She said she needs to 'stop hanging on to me'. I asked her in what way. she said that she couldn't do anything she is doing if it wasn't for me. I explained that she could, she owns half our assets and can take what she wants and move now, do her business. all without me. She didn't think that was good financially.
I really do not see anything to 'wait for'. Every time we talk she is more and more confident that she is doing the right thing for herself.
And she probably is doing the right thing She needs to be 'whole'. She says she doesn't see herself having another 'life partner'. She doesn't need that again.
I told her that I know I won't ever feel the same for anyone else again either. She said that of course I will feel, it will just be different.
You know, I don't think I'm being 'tested' any more. She is just where she is. She has to grow, heal, become stronger, become her own person. I'm seeing her future, going from relationship to relationship. getting something from each one, and just being herself. Without me.
W just came in to tell me about picking up kids later. After she finished talking I said 'hey, what about my hug? She said 'oh, did I forget?' and came over to where I was sitting and gave me one. I think she feels guilty.
One thing I also asked her is that when she decides to 'let that sexual energy flow again' to give me first dibs. She said no. she wasn't promising anything. I asked her jokingly if she thought I was 'sexy'. She paused for a while. Then she said 'I have never thought of you as 'sexy', I've always been attracted to your eyes, your humor and your knowing.
She also said that right now the 'sexiest' man in the world wouldn't get her to sleep with him, she feels that strongly that she needs to keep it to herself right now.
So, here is a woman who really really doesn't want to feel anything for me that is more than simple 'caring'. Doesn't want to be married, or anything. But she lives with me, is willing to share SOME closeness SOMETIMES as long as it's not TOO close. She will move out and she will not stay in this relationship. She doesn't have to hit me on the head too many more times for me to 'get it'.
As I see it, the only choice is to 'act as if' we are getting divorced. Be nice, do my best to be a friend and stuff like that. But stop hoping. As long as I hold on to hope I behave badly. Just letting her go and looking forward to life without her seems like the best choice. She doesn't hate me, she even has some kind of feelings for me inside. They just aren't what is needed to be in a marriage to me.
some people just end up this way. someone has to be that person and since God has decided I can carry a heavy load and take a lot of crap, then this is my fate. Because I can do it. It is what it is.
