Quote: I'm sorry it looks like you may have to wait 'til Tuesday to know what happened today. Perhaps you will get some further enlightenment over the weekend. HEY! Stranger things have happened .
Amy
Yeah, I am just in a pity party right now because I got myself all worked up because of the 'moving forward' comment the other day. Now I'm scared that she talked it over with Counselor and has made a decision to do it now, and it's bringing her some comfort that she can move forward.
Of course, ALL of that was in MY head. Her comment about 'moving forward' the other day was part of a general rant about how she doesn't feel good being home, she feels better out on her massage seminars. She's frustrated.
It's the not knowing that bugs me. I DO KNOW that Councilor wouldn't bring up Divorce at all if W didn't. I made this up in my mind.
Here is my rant: Why am I not getting something, anything, for all the good I have done? I have done so much and all I ask is for her eyes to open and see. I'm the one who was there for her after she realized how much she was used by OM, after her dad pretty much called her a loser, after she had no confidence in herself, and her ability to make her massage business really work.
I picked her up off the bathroom floor, pulled her out of her pain and sadness and made her feel loved and good. Even after all the hurt she has done to me. I was there for her when we had our week of intimacy, even though she cried sometimes during sex because she felt she had been used, even though she needed me to hold her so she could feel safe. Even though she told Counselor she ALWAYS feels safe when she's with me. And then she turned it off like a faucet.
I know BECCA, she didn't use me for sex, it was ME she wanted, not just SOMEONE to be close to.
I'm her biggest fan when she's feeling down about her business. She knows she can turn to me for anything if it get's bad enogh for her. I take the lead in our family life and support the kids when they need me to be strong for them.
Yet she wants to get away, to keep me at arms length. Yo be free. To give ME nothing in return. Ok, that's unconditional love, but when is it abuse of my goodness? Or am I just stupid? Or is she just selfish? Where is the woman I married? The good heart, the pure light in her soul.
When does she decide that I'm a pretty good choice for a husband and she can be happy with me. Or is it that she can't be happy with me? She just has to go now. I was fun and all that but I'm not the one for her any more. Is that it?
I am not getting my needs met. None, Zero, NaDa. Like Becca said to me, "it's hard when you're all alone, nobody to give you a hug, no shoulder to cry on". Well, I'm all alone.
I need to cry and shake and wail and let go of the stuff I have been absorbing for 4 weeks. I will find a way. I hate it when this happens to me. Then I can't be there for others.
I'm sorry. This cycle is so stupid. I wish I hadn't fallen into that depression over the years so I would be my stronger self right now. I really NEED ME right now. Where am I?
I need to be loved.
I'm glad I got this out. I'm going for a walk now.
. 